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AIBU?

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Original poster

To drink when I don't want to? 'no drivers allowed' "joke" from christmas eve host?

103 replies

Loopytiles · 23/12/2016 21:25

First world, festive problem!

We're invited to local friends' home tomorrow, from mid afternoon until "early evening" for drinks and bits of food. Several couples and our DC (mainly primary aged) attending.

Background is that I sometimes avoid seeing these friends, among other reasons because the things organised are often boozy and end really late, and a couple of them make comments when I or others don't drink. I often avoid alcohol and late nights because I have early starts for DC/work, and have mental health issues find that alcohol doesn't help. I also dislike drinking when DC are rampaging around houses, it makes me anxious. I'm low at the moment due to problems at work and home.

I haven't told the friends about my MH as we're not close. DH knows but is unsupportive and enjoys getting pissed and raucous with the friends.

So, we accepted the invitation, and as its got closer to the time the host has made a couple of comments about "people will want to get taxis, can't not drink at Christmas". Today they texted "jokingly" saying "no drivers allowed".

I feel that if I do as I wish and drive, this will be commented upon negativy, and make it less likely we'll be invited to things in the future, which would bother DH a lot. I would like to be friends with the hosts and others, but in a more low key way IYSWIM.

But then I think it's ridiculous that at my age and as a parent and health issues that mean drinking isn't good for me I'm bowing to social pressure and that I should woman up!

Argh.

OP posts:
NotAnotherUserName1234 · 23/12/2016 22:40

If they are truly good friends of yours then it won't matter if you don't drink.

But it sounds like you don't really like these people and your DH does.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/12/2016 22:42

He might be unreasonable, but it'd be hard to deal with that, especially so close to or on christmas day. I'd also worry about rudeness to the hosts.

It'll be alright, have a plan now and the stern but supportive MNetters words to bear in mind!

OP posts:
1horatio · 23/12/2016 22:42

But you can be merry without alcohol!

And nobody should be angry if you don't drink!

You could also change your name and call yourself temperance?

Don't mind me. I'm at my mother's over the holidays with DH and DD. And seeing as she's Italian... there was red wine and I 2 glasses and now I'm very merry. That's the consequence for hardly ever drinking, I guess.

Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/12/2016 22:43

Temperence brennan wouldn't take any shit, that's for sure!

Yes, I find that too horatio, alcohol hits me quickly too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopytiles · 23/12/2016 22:45

I do quite like the people, but don't feel comfortable with them. Feel I can't be myself or reveal much. DH likes them - and they him - more.

OP posts:
1horatio · 23/12/2016 22:48

loopy

:(((( a pint glass with ginger ale? And some slightly rude jokes?

Water in a martini glass? I've done that before, TBH. Pretended to drink when I wasn't. (I'm not very Brennan-esque either, sometimes)

There are in my case professional situations where drinking is kind of expected. Or family celebrations. And seeing as 2 glasses of red wine with a meal make me kind of loopy...

Mindtrope · 23/12/2016 22:51

Why should the OP have to pretend?

trentin · 23/12/2016 22:51

Surely once the hosts and everyone else has had a couple they will have no idea of what you have or haven't drunk. You could just accept a glass of wine, not drink much of it and by that time no one will be any the wiser. I have often avoided drinking much a parties by "losing" my drink/ tipping it into a plant/ down the loo.

Agree if you drive its harder to brush over it so either walk or arrange a taxi home on the basis that getting the DC to bed at a reasonable hour on Xmas eve is not unreasonable.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/12/2016 22:55

"You don't think telling you that you are not welcome if you dont drink is rude?"

Not necessarily. If it's an evening of drinking it makes sense. If you invited someone for dinner and they said there weren't eating that would be strange as well.
The people obviously want to drink and want to relax with like-minded people so I just wouldn't go in these circumstances.

Mindtrope · 23/12/2016 22:55

They don;t sound very good friends if they can;t accept the OP not drinking. THe OP doesn't sound much better if he won't support her.

I'd have no qualms about staying home.

Who would want to socialise with such rude people?

MeadowHay · 23/12/2016 22:56

Feel for you OP. Sometimes, I love having a drink. Or two. Or three. Etc. Sometimes I just don't feel like it, or my medication means it would be dangerous, or I have an early start or a busy day the next day and don't want the threat of a hangover etc. I have been pressured about drinking by people I don't know very well sometimes and it is a real pain in the arse. I tend to just fix them with a steely glare when they push. But none of my actual friends do/would do this though as it's very rude and immature!!

I hope you have a nice time tomorrow all the same.

1horatio · 23/12/2016 22:56

Mindd

She most certainly should not.

But if this is something she'd see as appealing then that's her choice, isn't it?

I have found it helpful to pretend... it's not that I had to. But it had certain advances that made it more than worth it for me. And it's quite easy to do so... isn't it?

Champagne, cider, martinis and so many other drinks have non-alcoholic lookalikes. Especially if it's a bar/pub type of setting. (Obviously is harde to manage in a restaurant or any where else with table service but actually still very doable. Going to the toilet at the right time etc...)

trentin · 23/12/2016 22:57

I don't think you should have to pretend but in this instance it might just be easier to not make a big thing about it. I have noticed as my friends have got older there are quite a few non/ low level drinkers but as long as they don't make a big issue/ stand in judgement over those who do drink a lot then no one really cares.

If you want to try to build the friendship with these people maybe you could suggest doing something together that would not involve drinking - like going for a day out somewhere.

Chrissiecat · 23/12/2016 22:58

I don't drink for medical reasons, but I also say I don't like the taste and it makes me sick. I hate this kind of attitude.

I am concerned your DH isn't supportive of your MH and your feelings.

Please do what feels right for you, not for him or these other people.

Fernanie · 23/12/2016 23:02

I have an American friend who's chosen to be teetotal because she just doesn't see the point in alcohol. She found it quite difficult when she moved to the UK as people just couldn't get their heads round it; if pushed she now claims she's a recovering alcoholic! Couldn't be further from the truth but it stops people from pressuring her 😆
Agree that you shouldn't have to make excuses though - it's nobody else's business whether you're drinking or not!

ssd · 23/12/2016 23:06

it sounds like your dh is more into this group than you are, maybe because they drink and he likes that?

I'd be like you , but a lot more pissed off than you if dh was behaving like this

it sounds like he's the trouble, not the people asking you out

MudCity · 24/12/2016 07:50

You should not have to make excuses or justify yourself. If you go, hold your head high. Take some soft drinks for yourself and drink those. If anyone disapproves then tough shit. Just smile and laugh. I'm not sure they will though...I think they are just assuming everyone will want to drink and lots of people say things like "Get a taxi so you can have a drink" as a way of saying there will be plenty of alcohol / bring a bottle.

Do not let yourself get anxious about this....no-one will care what you are drinking after the first five minutes. And if they do, then I pity them.

Your DH....Sad

Do you actually like these friends OP? Do you think 2017 might be the year you find some nicer friends? I hope so.

bluetongue · 24/12/2016 08:02

Stay strong OP. I had a Christmas Eve lunch today and just drank soft drink. I've got nothing against other people drinking but last time I drank I got really sick (practically projectile vomiting) and I don't want to risk that again.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2016 08:04

They don't sound like friends

You can't talk to them about my issues

Why do you see them if they make fun of you/bring up you being sober

Christmas Eve should be spent with your children doing fun stuff. Not everyone getting rat arsed that was in my younger days

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/12/2016 08:06

Mh issues. Sorry 😳😳

HerBluebiro · 24/12/2016 08:17

mind she doesn't have to pretend.

She has to do something. Sometimes pretending or white lies are the less confrontational approach.

I like the 'alcohol doesn't agree with me approach' or the truth 'I'm happier with this thanks. So much to do with dc tomorrow/tonight' or even the 'no, thankyou' with no further expanding

But a 'I'm on antibiotics' (metronidazole for a bad tooth if you want one none can dispute. You vomit horrendously if you mix it with alcohol). Or a 'I'm winding down now' or a fake cocktail can do wonders. I'm always terribly thirsty so the fake drinks don't work for me as I neck them. Maybe drink a point or two of washer before hand do you can delicately sip your martini glass with twist of lemon in water all sophisticated through the evening.

HerBluebiro · 24/12/2016 08:18

And yeah there is a discussion to be had with your husband (when sober and festivities are over, perhaps) about him being angry because you don't do something he wants. Upset perhaps. Angry, nope

P1nkP0ppy · 24/12/2016 08:19

I don't drink either and I'd be worried that they might doctor my drinks if they have such ridiculous attitudes.
It sounds like my idea of hell op, I'd tell dh to go on his own.

Tonyshep · 24/12/2016 08:29

I gave up drink years ago (during Uni) and only drink occasionally.
When I do it will usually be fairly expensive whiskey ... and that would be a leisurely drink, sat with family or some close friends whilst having a chat, not at parties.

It took some took some time for people to get used to it, but it is just one of those things now.

I do feel sorry for my wife sometimes as it means she rarely drinks now too, but we don't really miss it that much.

Over indulging in chocolate is more fun anyway! ;)

NotYoda · 24/12/2016 08:30

IME the people who drink too much are the ones who comment on other people's drinking. Most of us know that drinking is only one factor in having a good time