To never visit my mum at hers again

[DogsKidsandchocolate]

Today was our annual Christmas visit to my mum's house. We only see her a few times a year and we always travel there as she won't come to ours.
Usually it takes 2 hours to get there. However at this time of year it can take 3 hours or so.

I had already called and asked if she would visit here for a change as I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm struggling to sit for that length of time. But she wouldn't come here as she was busy, doesn't like coming etc.

So we set off at 7 this morning to try and beat the worst of the traffic. I text my mum when we were an hour away and again when we were 10 minutes away.
We arrived at 10:30 knock on the door and we can hear the dog barking but she doesn't answer. So I called her and she tells me she is walking the dog and delivering cards.
I said I knew she was lying because we could hear the dog.
She span me this story about how she had been walking the dog but a neighbour invited her in so she dropped the dog at home and was now at neighbours house. She claimed she would be ten minutes.

Half an hour later and there was no sign of her. So I called her again, she said she had been held up and would be 10 minutes for sure.

20 minutes later we spot her leaving the house 2 doors down. I was really annoyed because that means that she could see us in the car etc waiting for her. But I kept quiet for the DCs mostly.

So we are in the house and she seemed to think it was all ok because we would just stay at her house all afternoon instead of leaving at lunchtime like originally planned. I told her we were sticking to the original plan as the DCs need lunch and we need to drive back and we have other things to do today.

She then got in a complete huff and opened her Christmas present while we were still in the room. She then complained that she didn't like her present and she didn't want to give us our presents because we weren't staying.
She then went on a rant about how ungrateful we were.

I told her if she carried on we would leave now as we had only come to see her and she was spoiling the day. She told me that she was only upset because my dad was invited to spend Christmas day with us at the ILS house and she hasn't.

I pointed out that they invited my dad because he is very sick and last time she saw the ILS she was hateful towards them so they weren't going to invite her really.

She then said something offensive about ILS so I told her we were leaving and I was never visiting her house again.
She started crying and begging me to change my mind but I was pretty upset and so we left.

She keeps texting me telling me she is sorry but I can't keep her away from her grandchildren. She has also told my uncle and he has called me telling me how upset she is.

I don't want to make the effort to go there again. Admittedly I don't like going there anyway. The DCs aren't allowed to do anything there in case they mess with her stuff and she always finds something to lecture me about.

However she is the DCs grandmother and she does love seeing them.

This from Liara is genius:

"I adopt a policy of reciprocality in terms of facilitating my children's relationships with both our families: I will make exactly as much effort as the other party is making.

It is surprisingly successful. They have developed some really good relationships with those relatives on both sides who give a fuck, and we waste no time on those that don't."

I suggest you adopt this as your mantra in the new year, DK&C!

Thank you for the replies.

My mum has always been a bit like this, especially when she feels like she has been treated unfairly .
She is due to come and meet the new baby when it's born. Mostly because I said we probably won't be travelling there in the February half term like we usually do and she didn't want to wait till Easter to meet the baby.

She has not been treated unfairly, she's just reaping the effects of her past behaviour. She behaved terribly this visit. I don't think I'd bother visiting again.

No way I'd be visiting her hide ever again. So she's the children's grandmother, so what. She was happy for her dd to travel 3 hours when heavily pregnant and then not even be in when she arrives.

She's upset that she's not invited to the inlaws but can't recognise that she has been rude to them in the past.

Sounds like she's a nasty person and people have allowed her to get away with it in the past.

Wow - it's the lying about being with the dog and then actually next door -
Really? She purposely made you wait for her - I'd have driven home straight away !!

Like fuck would I visit ever again

She really does sound bloody horrible- and stupid to top

Yabu to go and see her at 8 months pregnant with busy traffic, especially with her rubbish behaviour.

ThThink about the effect on the kids and yourself. You need to emotionally protect yourself.

She sounds like a cow, OP, sorry. I'm amazed at her making you wait. I'm actually amazed you stayed, because I would have given it 15 minutes and gone. What a horrible thing for her to do.

This woman is in need of some sort of help in my opinion. It might help to read up on her borderline personality disorder.

Woah there, internet psychiatrist

"I had already called and asked if she would visit here for a change as I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm struggling to sit for that length of time. But she wouldn't come here as she was busy, doesn't like coming etc."
And that is the point at which you should have backed out.

I presume she has trained you since childhood to do as she wants, but you need to break that conditioning. She left you sitting outside her house for nearly an hour FOR FUN. Just to show you that she could do that and you would suck it up. She's a complete bastard.

"She keeps texting me telling me she is sorry but I can't keep her away from her grandchildren. She has also told my uncle and he has called me telling me how upset she is."
She's not sorry. She might be a little worried that she's pushed her punchbag too far this time, but she's not sorry for how she behaved. And you're not keeping her away from her grandchildren, she is the one who WON'T visit. Although I personally think it would be healthier for your children if you did keep her away, as she is likely to headfuck them the way she has headfucked you.

As for your uncle, I would tell him to piss off. Is he aware of how she treated you.

"However she is the DCs grandmother and she does love seeing them."
You need to separate out the concept of grandmother from the actuality. Yes, she is a blood relation. No she is not really their grandmother in the wholesome relationship sense of the word. And does she love seeing them? Really? When she left them sitting in the car outside her house for nearly an hour while she sat in her neighbour's house? Or - does she say she loves seeing them because it's the easiest way to line up her next victims?

Your mother is a nightmare. You don't need her in your life, and your children certainly don't. Protect them from her, please.

I can't get passed the fact she left you all out in the car for an hour whilst sitting two doors away......I'd have phoned her after the original 10 minutes and given her another 10 minutes to come back, then driven home after a no show.

How appallingly rude. Either she waits in her house to receive you when you arrive, or you have your own key to let yourself in when you get there, if she is out. I'm not surprised you want to keep your distance from her.

As others have said, she really doesn't deserve your attention. It is very hard with families like this but you have to do what is right for you, as an individual, and your family.

She is a childish martyr.
Family schlamily.
She loves the grandchildren? Yeah yeah, talk is cheap.

Building on what Steamgirl said above, I manage my relationship with my mother in a similar way. I'd describe it as a Low Contact relationship rather than non-contact. It has been managed by me reaching my limit and challenging her behaviour. The critical point was around my wedding, rather than pregnancy/babies. I had reached the point of putting the phone down when she began ranting. The night before my wedding she went into martyr mode and hypothesising about how if I did X, she'd do Y at a hypothetical Christening. I called her bluff and said "OK, that's your choice" I began putting the responsibility for her choices, actions and their consequences back on her, not being guilted and submitting to her will.

It's a long distance relationship anyway with about one visit and a couple of phone calls a year, but it functions on a level that I can cope with. She has behaved much better in recent years, partly because there's not much chance to misbehave, and partly because there is a real chance that she could lose me and the DCs altogether. In her case there is some level of care there.

It can be possible and is worth trying if there is something salvageable. At worst it can be part of a phasing out on way to going NC.

In your case, establishing your own boundaries on visits, you will not visit, could work. She is welcome to arrange a visit to maintain a relationship with you and the GC. If she doesn't like it and complains that you're obstructing the relationship, make her responsible for her choices. She can see them, she is chosing not to make the effort, you can't visit her when she swans about with the neighbours instead of receiving you as planned.