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AIBU?

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Original poster

To never visit my mum at hers again

66 replies

DogsKidsandchocolate · 23/12/2016 18:38

Today was our annual Christmas visit to my mum's house. We only see her a few times a year and we always travel there as she won't come to ours.
Usually it takes 2 hours to get there. However at this time of year it can take 3 hours or so.

I had already called and asked if she would visit here for a change as I'm currently 8 months pregnant and I'm struggling to sit for that length of time. But she wouldn't come here as she was busy, doesn't like coming etc.

So we set off at 7 this morning to try and beat the worst of the traffic. I text my mum when we were an hour away and again when we were 10 minutes away.
We arrived at 10:30 knock on the door and we can hear the dog barking but she doesn't answer. So I called her and she tells me she is walking the dog and delivering cards.
I said I knew she was lying because we could hear the dog.
She span me this story about how she had been walking the dog but a neighbour invited her in so she dropped the dog at home and was now at neighbours house. She claimed she would be ten minutes.

Half an hour later and there was no sign of her. So I called her again, she said she had been held up and would be 10 minutes for sure.

20 minutes later we spot her leaving the house 2 doors down. I was really annoyed because that means that she could see us in the car etc waiting for her. But I kept quiet for the DCs mostly.

So we are in the house and she seemed to think it was all ok because we would just stay at her house all afternoon instead of leaving at lunchtime like originally planned. I told her we were sticking to the original plan as the DCs need lunch and we need to drive back and we have other things to do today.

She then got in a complete huff and opened her Christmas present while we were still in the room. She then complained that she didn't like her present and she didn't want to give us our presents because we weren't staying.
She then went on a rant about how ungrateful we were.

I told her if she carried on we would leave now as we had only come to see her and she was spoiling the day. She told me that she was only upset because my dad was invited to spend Christmas day with us at the ILS house and she hasn't.

I pointed out that they invited my dad because he is very sick and last time she saw the ILS she was hateful towards them so they weren't going to invite her really.

She then said something offensive about ILS so I told her we were leaving and I was never visiting her house again.
She started crying and begging me to change my mind but I was pretty upset and so we left.

She keeps texting me telling me she is sorry but I can't keep her away from her grandchildren. She has also told my uncle and he has called me telling me how upset she is.

I don't want to make the effort to go there again. Admittedly I don't like going there anyway. The DCs aren't allowed to do anything there in case they mess with her stuff and she always finds something to lecture me about.

However she is the DCs grandmother and she does love seeing them.

OP posts:
Billben · 23/12/2016 19:39

I wouldn't visit her again. I would have got my guard up when she started with that lie about walking the dog. To make you wait in a car in winter after a long journey when you are heavily pregnant and you have children with you is spiteful and nasty. A horrid woman she is who I would want nothing much to do with. I mean who leaves their family waiting for hours just for a natter with a neighbour?

fabulousathome · 23/12/2016 19:39

Has she always been like this? If not, has she got the beginnings of dementia?

AhNowTed · 23/12/2016 19:40

It's an interesting question. I have had the same treatment from my sister. Arrange to be at hers at a certain time with my 2 small DC. They're all excited to meet her DC. No answer at the door. I call and she's either still at her tennis club or whatever. I have in the past waited over half an hour for her - with my 2 kids on her doorstep. Never never again.

OP you waited for nearly an hour. You should have gone home, and at the point when you saw her exiting a neighbour you should have definitely gone home.

I honestly think my sister gets a kick out of making me wait.

No longer... just leave

diddl · 23/12/2016 19:40

That is just nasty-your mother, that is.

First she lies & then when she possibly tells the truth she can't be bothered to get off her arse immediately to come to you.

You know of course that you should have left after the first half an hour.

Was this a test to see how much you would put up with??

I wouldn't be contacting or visiting again.

Perhaps at some point if she offers to come to you I might let her.

And not be in when she turns up

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/12/2016 19:40

Extend her an invitation to visit via your uncle.(After the New Year)Put her on temporary pause for now. Have a relaxed Christmas with those who appreciate your company.

EweAreHere · 23/12/2016 19:40

It sounds like she likes being a grandmother in name only, enough to claim to be a brilliant one to her friends, not not actually do anything to back up the talk.

She sounds incredibly self-centered and horrible.

I wouldn't visit again.

If you think she's truly sorry at some point, which I highly doubt she is at the moment, then tell her she can day trip to visit you. But you're not going back to hers ever. You would not be unreasonable to stand firm on this.

TheCatsMother99 · 23/12/2016 19:43

I wouldnt go again. If she really wants to see her grandchildren then she can make the effort and stop making pathetic excuses.

I cant believe she made you go all that way whilst 8 months pregnant, let alone to then make you all sit outside thus extending your travel time so to speak. Unbelievable.

happychristmasbum · 23/12/2016 19:44

YANBU

Can you imagine doing something like this to your own daughter? And you are 8 months pregnant!!

I would totally ignore her. Life is too short to spend on this kind of crap. Keep minimal contact if you want to I probably wouldn't bother

Have a lovely Christmas Flowers

SooBee61 · 23/12/2016 19:46

This woman is in need of some sort of help in my opinion. It might help to read up on her borderline personality disorder. One title on Amazon is:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

(I have a similar sort of problem with my sister, an awkward and jealous personality who can stop speaking to someone for months if they displease her!)

Liara · 23/12/2016 19:46

Good god, I would have left after 15 minutes!

In fact I wouldn't, as I wouldn't have gone in the first place.

My ILs are like this, want to see the grandchildren ever so much but are totally unwilling to lift a finger towards it.

I adopt a policy of reciprocality in terms of facilitating my children's relationships with both our families: I will make exactly as much effort as the other party is making.

It is surprisingly successful. They have developed some really good relationships with those relatives on both sides who give a fuck, and we waste no time on those that don't.

CaraAspen · 23/12/2016 19:47

I wouldn't bother again. You were right to leave. What horrible behaviour.

youarenotkiddingme · 23/12/2016 19:51

If she wants to see her DGC she can - she knows where you live!

But no, I wouldn't be going to her again.

mylaptopismylapdog · 23/12/2016 19:57

Enjoy your family and have a good Christmas. Ignore your Mum, you and your children need her like the proverbial hole in the head.xx

QueenyLaverne · 23/12/2016 20:04

I'd have made the decision when she refused to travel to your house even though you are heavily pregnant!
I wouldn't have gone at all, what a selfish bitch.

Rainydayspending · 23/12/2016 20:05

You totally can stop her from seeing (and distressing) your children.
You need to be firm. They are your children and you shouldn't be having to tell their grandmother to not act so pathetically. Be disappointed in her behaviour. Make it very clear you will not tolerate a lack of civil behaviour and/ or honesty.

Spero · 23/12/2016 20:05

She sounds like my dad's mum. It wasn't dementia. She was just nasty. When I was born she wrote a horrible letter to my mum (I am disabled) and she also did the same about my cousin, calling her 'fat'. As she got older she would demand my uncle came and pick her up and then when he arrived she wouldn't be ready, would claim to have lost her purse etc, etc.

None of us were sorry when she died.

I am sorry - I think some people are just 'like that'. They are toxic and they won't change. For your own peace of mind I think you need to set very firm boundaries. If she wants to see her grandchildren she can make an effort. I wouldn't visit her again.

flippinada · 23/12/2016 20:09

What a horrible woman your Mother is - rude, selfish, and - the piece de resistance - a manipulative whiner. Just a hunch, but I'm guessing it was no picnic growing up with her either.

You say she loves seeing the DC - does that square with the way she treated them today, because what you describe isn't the behaviour of a loving Granny desperate to see her DGC.

flippinada · 23/12/2016 20:12

And no, YANBU. If she wants to see you she can make the effort and stop being such a nasty piece of work.

FrayedHem · 23/12/2016 20:15

It sounds like she was intent on causing a problem today with all the weirdness of being at her neighbour's house. If she's anything like my mother, she will have been festering on the in-laws inviting your dad and has decided she is going to find a way to punish you for it, despite the reasoning why she wasn't invited being absolutely sound and as a direct result of her own behaviour. You aren't keeping her from her grandchildren, it is her own choice not to travel and to behave so appallingly. As for loving seeing her grandchildren, today could have gone so much differently had she chose not to be so ridiculously difficult.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult trip and I hope you all have a lovely Christmas with your in-laws.

BoffinMum · 23/12/2016 20:20

What Liara said.

She sounds a very troubled woman who is about to get her karmic just desserts for putting such nastiness about.

ConvincingLiar · 23/12/2016 20:20

Don't put yourself through this shit, focus on your children.

ijustwannadance · 23/12/2016 20:22

Anyone else would've left the neighbours house after your 10 minute warning. 2 bloody doors away and she couldn't just leave and pop back later?!

I would've left well before she finally arrived home. Selfish cow.

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice · 23/12/2016 20:41

She sounds a lot like my mum. Last time we travelled down to visit I txt to say I was 10 mins away and she was at a bloody dog training class!! Was gone almost 2 hours. And she knew we were coming at an allotted time. And it's always us who has to make the effort to stay in touch with her. But I've learnt to just bite my tongue and accept it's just the way she is. I would rather my kids had a relationship with their grandparents because we made the effort than none at all. How your mum handled the day was truly awful. But don't make any rash decisions while you are angry. I had zero relationship with my grandparents on my mums side because my parents had a huge fallout with them and I really wish I'd had a chance to get to know them. I now write to my nan on a weekly basis and feel awful about the years I missed having her in my life. Sorry for the long reply! Congrats on the pregnancy and hope it all dies down. It sucks when those close to you let you down xx

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/12/2016 20:43

YANBU. I wouldn't be viwiting her again after this. What a cow, and if she loves her DGC, I'd hate to see how she treats someone she hates!

YorkiesGlasses · 23/12/2016 20:45

She keeps texting me telling me she is sorry but I can't keep her away from her grandchildren.

She's enjoying the drama. You can puncture that by telling her she can visit the grandchildren in the new year, as long as she gives plenty of notice. Then you'll see how badly she wants to stay in their lives...