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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother-in-law issues

46 replies

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 17:19

I have never got on with my Mother-in-law. There is a long history. But i just don't enjoy her company or spending time with her. I go through periods of feeling very guilty about this as my husband is her only child.
We just don't click, i could pretend for the sake of my husband (even after all the things that i feel she has done to me) However, she keeps coming over...It has been three times this week so far, which is quite good for her as she would come every day or every other day. Even on the days that she doesn't come around i feel agitated that she will come around, my heart starts beating fast and i get panicky. So i suppose this is not an AIBU thread but more of a What should i do thread.

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ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 17:21

gosh cocco I dont know but its a horrid way to live - having to accommodate someone who makes you feel so anxious - extreme measure but self medicate? How does your DH feel about it - has he every said anything to her/

Krampus · 23/12/2016 17:22

Does she come around when your dp is there or to see you?

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 17:24

God, I could've written this.

Three times a week is too much for ANYONE to visit my house, no matter how much I love them.

Tell her to call in advance if she doesn't already, then have an excuse ready. Or, make arrangements for the next visit before she leaves, then you can say, "See you on Thursday (or whenever) MIL" as she leaves.

I'm lucky that I have my DH onside. It'll make it easier if you have his support.

If he still wants to see her as often as this, I'd go out while she's here. You need to be able to go about your business if she comes so often. You can't just sit there are entertain her

BlurryFace · 23/12/2016 17:25

Talk with your husband. I don't see why she is coming over so often, couldn't you pare it down to once a week say, with your DH going over to her's for any other visits?

It stands out to me that you say "all the things I feel she has done to me", have you been made to feel that whatever she has said or done is "all in your head"? Don't you trust your own feelings?

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 17:26

She does come around when my husband isn't here. She isn't nasty or anything. But because of all the stuff she has done in the past i find it hard to get past the hurt...There is a lot of hurt.

My husband knows what she has done to me, he finds it hard as i do as it is still his mum and nobody wants to tell there mum that their not really wanted in their house...It's hard for him as she was alone for along time so he felt responsible for her.

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Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 17:28

She said that a mother shouldn't have to call her own child before she comes around. If I'm being honest i wouldn't make my own mother call so it seemed unfair.

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VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 23/12/2016 17:28

Does she think that you like her?

I'm not being snarky... I dislike my MIL almost as much as she dislikes me and when we meet .... oooof ..⛄⛄⛄⛄❄⛄❄❄❄❄❄❄

Maybe you're too nice to her...?

NavyandWhite · 23/12/2016 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 17:35

She may be right that a mother shouldn't have to call her own child before she comes round (although I disagree) but you're not her own child. If he's not there, at work for example, I assume she knows it's just you at home? Then she should call. If she refuses, then have your coat ready near the door when you half-expect her, then put it on to answer the door saying you're on your way out. You have a life! It's so disrespectful to expect you to stay home whenever she feels like calling.

I've also broached the subject in another way in the past. I've said something along the lines of, " You must find it really difficult to get all your housework, etc done when you're here so often. I know I do. Please don't feel you need to come so much. Take some time to yourself."

Or, "MIL I know you love coming and we love having you, but I'm really struggling to get my shopping, do my cleaning, keep up with play dates, see my friends. I think we'll have to cut back on visits."

The final nuclear option is one no one wants

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 17:36

No she knows I'm not her biggest fan. However, because we have three kids she always wants to see them (weekly). This is my first time on mums net so if I'm not doing this right please let me know!

With what she's done in the past, how long is a piece of string? There has been hurtful things said e.g my husband will have an affair but don't worry he'll come back to you....Shouting and screaming when i was pregnant...her family telling me to fuck off and her not defending me...Saying things about my family...The list is endless..But is all of that a good enough reason to not give her a second chance?

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ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 17:44

By limiting visits a little, it doesn't mean that you're not giving her a second chance. Quite the opposite, given that you will still see her regularly, just not as much.

Just because you have children and she likes to see them (of course she does), it doesn't mean that she can dictate when to come to your house. Remember, your house, not hers. Plenty of GPS don't even see their GCs once per week. In my opinion, that is plenty.

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 23/12/2016 17:53

You're doing just fine on Mumsnet!

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 23/12/2016 17:54

I suppose the only thin to do is to view her as afree babysitter, i.e. "Oh, I'm so glad you've popped round, now I can take a shower," Then go and hide in your bedroom.

Sunnymeg · 23/12/2016 17:57

Next time she turns up, tell her you are on your way out, try to have your coat on, before you answer the door, and say perhaps it would be better for her to ring next time before coming round. Repeat as often as necessary until she gets the message.

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:20

To be honest i don't like her spending time with my kids..That's really bad isn't it? I prefer to be there when she interacts with them, god i sound so mean!

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ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:23

Cocco I totally understand not wanting to ask your DM to call but has your DM hurt your DH like his DM has hurt you>

Its usually not comparable. My DM has sweetest heart and wouldnt have intentionally hurt anyone and would be upset and apologetic had she thought she had. MIL on the other hand is as hard as nails, and doesnt care, all about her - so there is no way I would treat them both the same just because they are mum.

My dm would come round, sit - have tea - help herself whatever, if she saw something that needed doing she may think " oh poor elf is snowed under I will quickly do this" - MAYBE - chat, have a laugh...and be easy going.

Mil on the other hand would come round - refuse to help herself or drink anything - if she picked something up or helped it would be from position " elf is useless elf, cant look after her dc or my darling son" I had better step in here.

Your issue rightly or wrong is - its too much and you need to do something about i t- perhaps go out - so when she calls no one there - thn after a while of turning up to no one she may start to call and arrange?

Yes I would say all of that sounds pretty horrid TBH

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 23/12/2016 18:24

You don't sound mean. You obviously have concerns.

Why not take them out, or pretend to? I don't know anyone who stays home all day with their kids so she couldn't complain about you doing stuff you need to do and taking them places to entertain them

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:24

You dont sound mean you sound normal .

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:24

Also i may add i have a 12 week baby so popping out and acting like I'm always off out is not going to be easy. I'm pretty much house bound and i live in a really sleepy place....so where would i go. Oh i suppose it is what it is!

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Msqueen33 · 23/12/2016 18:24

I was very glad when my mil moved an hour or so away. Although she's never been rude she's been very passive aggressive e.g. Turning up when my DC2 was born and buying something for dc1 and my husband's favourite chocolates but nothing for me or dc2. She also only ever offers my dh food and drink and normally directs all questions even about the kids to him. We see once a month or so as my dh never fronted up to her or even had a quiet word about it (it's a huge bone of contention). I hate seeing her and feel massively anxious as she's made me feel massively unwelcome over the last eight years.

I'd say you're very busy and about to go out. Or ignore the door?

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:25

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ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:26

Pretend to be out then.

Or say something your allowed to be too tired to enterrain, your allowed to say that and be in the bounds of polite.

Sorry mil, I have an awful headache can you come round later or even better next week thanks. Your issue is - she has got used to it - so you need to gently break her out of this habit.

You can ignore the door you can ignore texts and phone.

happychristmasbum · 23/12/2016 18:26

YANBU

Why are you opening the door?

Don't try to change anything now as it's Christmas etc but in the new year you need to start setting some boundaries. How old are the DC? Can you say they are doing clubs/going to friends for tea so she needs to start planning visits and call beforehand to see if they are free to see her? Then make sure they are only free when DH is there to absorb her?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2016 18:27

Do you think there's any possible chance that she's attempting to 'make up' with you or create a better relationship? Not saying she is, just something to think about (and probably discard).

I would never just drop in on my adult children and I definitely wouldn't drop in on my DiL when my son was not there. My DiL is a treasure and I honestly don't think she'd mind, but they have their own lives and deserve to live them unencumbered with surprise visits from us.

If you started being 'on the run out' when she comes by and DH isn't home and being a bit more 'welcoming' when he is, maybe she'd get the hint and only drop by when he's home.

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:30

i tried the door thing, but she doesn't stop banging and knocking and ringing, then the kids run to the door like dogs! Yelping and screaming!! I really have tried everything...Except a divorce lol. She would probably love that!

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