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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother-in-law issues

46 replies

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 17:19

I have never got on with my Mother-in-law. There is a long history. But i just don't enjoy her company or spending time with her. I go through periods of feeling very guilty about this as my husband is her only child.
We just don't click, i could pretend for the sake of my husband (even after all the things that i feel she has done to me) However, she keeps coming over...It has been three times this week so far, which is quite good for her as she would come every day or every other day. Even on the days that she doesn't come around i feel agitated that she will come around, my heart starts beating fast and i get panicky. So i suppose this is not an AIBU thread but more of a What should i do thread.

OP posts:

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:32

did you pre warn the dc that the door may knock but you dont want them to ansa it? Say you will give them sweets if they dont and keep quiet!

failing that you need to say " sorry I am not well you cannot come in today"

happychristmasbum · 23/12/2016 18:34

Ok then you need to be out more and tell her she has to ask in advance as you dont want her to have a wasted journey coming round when you may definitely will be on your way out to xyz.

If DH won't back you then you have a DH problem rather than a MIL problem.

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:35

i did tell the children once but apparently my daughter told her we were hiding from her and that caused a massive argument...To be honest it just causes so much stress. I m tired as it is with the kids.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/12/2016 18:38

Having a second chance does not mean she gets to do whatever she wants irrespective of what you want.

Are you scared of her? Is it forbidden for her to ever be upset?

You asked wwyd. I would tell her straight that I want her to stop with the unannounced visits because it interferes with my ability to plan our time. I would tell her that the most convenient option is for her to visit once a week when DH is around. If she got the hump I would still stick to that statement. I might give it some "I'm sorry you feel like that but the decision is made, this is what's happening." If she turned up unannounced I would turn her away (probably by pretending we were going out any minute now). If she was upset I'd be sad but I would not change my mind.

I would insist that she respects my wishes.

This is even more important if she has been a cow bag to you in the past. She should be falling over herself to keep you happy with you giving her a second chance to be friends. If she's not interested in compromise with you well then that's her second chance blown.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 23/12/2016 18:40

This would drive me utterly bananas OP. You need to have a word and just make it one regular visit once a week always by prior arrangement. If she complaints, knock off the politeness.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:42

well I guess you need to weigh up what causes you more stress then, dealing with her - or trying too or simply putting up with her and letting her win?

You are in control of your own life - its up to you what your limits and boundaries are. Who cares about a massive argument, the end of that argument should have been " well dont call round un announced and we wont have to hide from you"

It seems to me such people are very thick skinned and dont think. Hence you have to be strong back.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 18:43

She should be falling over herself to keep you happy with you giving her a second chance to be friends.

^^ this but it never works this way because they have never been properly called out on their behaviour and usually feel they are in the right

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 18:45

i am scared of her your right. She hurt me a lot when i had a miscarriage, basically said i was always going to loose the baby. I can't get over it, your right i'm scared but today when she came round was the first time i stood up to her. She wanted us to come around for a Christmas meal and i told her that since our last bust up i wanted to take things slowly and not rush things. She was clearly upset. I felt guilty after she left and came on mums net. My husband has come back from work and said i did the right thing telling her and at least she knows where i stand. I lack confidence, since becoming a full-time mum I've become very unsure of myself.

OP posts:

bimbobaggins · 23/12/2016 18:56

I never used to get on with my mil. She looked down on me and was always rude with comments etc. When my ex used to work away she would turn up unannounced, despite me asking/ tellingly her to let me knock first. Drove me up the wall and one day she even turned up with a visitor. One of the best things to come out of splitting with me ex is never having to see his mother again. He never took my side in things

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 19:00

sorry what did you say to her

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 23/12/2016 19:01

just read last post - well thats good! well done, keep going with it,

ALongTimeComing · 23/12/2016 19:15

Lock the door
Disconnect the bell

Say no.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2016 19:39

Your DH needs to take the lead in speaking to his mother. I understand and applaud standing up for oneself, but in this case I think he needs to put his foot down and let her know that he will not tolerate her intimidating or saying nasty things to his wife. He needs to tell her to call first and that she will be expected to visit only when he is home.

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 19:44

i know it upsets/causes my husband stress. I know it's not all about him and his needs. He trys to be supportive, but i just can't bring myself to like her. In some ways i feel like i've failed, by not having a good relationship with her. When she says things that i think are silly or stupid i just go into shock then when she's gone i go through all the things i should have done or said. lol

OP posts:

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 19:50

My husband never tells me i have to see her, she always comes around here. If i want to go away when she's here, he won't say anything. He has been supportive. It's more that she comes around here since we're trying to 'rebuild' our relationship! But i don't want to rebuild, i want to run!! But she will say things to my husband which i know will hurt him if i do confront her and i don't want to give him this constant stress (because that's what it's become) I know she will always be a part of my life and i hate it! Like there is no control!!!

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2016 19:57

Everything that Elf said. She doesn't have boundaries and you are going to have to be the person to set them - that means saying we'd like to see you once s week and DH will bring them round at... (BTW is a lot more than either my Pil or my Dad sees my kids and it's more than enough for most grandparents).
Stand up for yourself - be firm, no tears or shouting (she may but that's up to her).

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2016 19:58

Ps I appreciate it's easier typed than done -but you only get one life.

Gymnopedies · 23/12/2016 20:06

If she says stuff that stresses your husband that's her own responsibility, not yours.
Stand your ground. Tell her when/how much you want her to visit. For example at the week end when your husband is home, you can have a set day so it's easier for everyone.

Good reading here:
outofthefog.website

Grittyshunts · 23/12/2016 20:12

I agree with everything runrabbit and elf have said. You sound like a nice person OP, you want to forgive and get on but sometimes that's easier said than done. Just by talking to her/letting her in is you giving her a second chance, that does not mean she can take the piss by pushing herself on you. Like rabbit said set the boundaries.

Original poster

coccolocco · 23/12/2016 20:12

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the advice.

OP posts:

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 24/12/2016 06:25

I think you would benefit from the Freedom Program OP.

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