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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU – some things can never be forgiven or fixed even 30 years later?

35 replies

SunshineGirl2016 · 23/12/2016 12:23

This question relates to a situation over 30 years ago when DHs dad left his mum…for mum’s best friend….who was also DHs godmother. DH was 12 at the time and this tore his family apart. He and his mum had to move to a tiny house and were severely strapped for cash. Since then, DHs dad has married mum’s best friend and they are still together 30 years later.

DH and I got married last year, had a baby this year and will be celebrating Christmas at our house with FIL and his wife (mum’s former best friend) and MIL. MIL is able to be civil to her ex husband and ex best friend on the surface at least. FIL and the wife seem to think all is forgiven and all is well not realising that MIL and DH really still hate the dad and his wife. DH has major issues with his dad but suffering from FOG – fear, obligation, guilt and does everything to please him – FIL is a bully, domineering but let’s not even go there. FIL and the wife have never had any children and see my DS as their possession. It’s such a messed up situation which is waiting to ignite. Anyway, my question is – can their affair from 30 years ago ever be forgiven? If anything happened to FIL who is 77, DH would have nothing to do with the wife who is 75. On the surface all appears calm with FIL and wife not realizing how hated they are….what does everyone think?

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/12/2016 12:29

I think life has to go on regardless and it's always better to do so with dignity. Hatred and resentment only cause more pain and unhappiness, so I'd let go.

However, if my DH and my best friend had an affair, got married and spent their lives together I'd hate them for an eternity, and possibly a little longer. So whilst it's ok saying "life goes on", the reality is that some hurts stay with you forever. Your best option is to keep your head down, smile and focus solely on supporting your DH til he's through needing to please FIL. You aren't obliged to please FIL, though, so don't dance to his tune.

Indrid · 23/12/2016 12:33

Direct your dh to out of the fog website

Gymnopedies · 23/12/2016 12:33

Why did you invite FIL and his wife?
Please protect your DS from them, FOG is not something pleasant.

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2016 12:33

Given the circumstances you described no. After that amount of time I could probably fashion a brave face for a few hours for the sake of my DS and GS but that's it.
I don't hold grudges but I'd probably make an exception here.

Missy17 · 23/12/2016 12:36

I think it's your job to protect your DS and DH from the emotional 'abuse' (for want of a better word)
Direct your child to MIL and don't allow FIL SMIL to take him from her. This is what I have to do with my family unfortunately

Timeforteaplease · 23/12/2016 12:41

Why do you invite somebody your DH hates to your home? At Xmas?!
Some things don't heal. And that is OK.
But it's time of a bit of honesty and stop this charade.

ChasedByBees · 23/12/2016 12:44

Why on earth are they invited if they're hated?

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/12/2016 12:48

Why have you invited FIL and his wife ?, he sounds vile.

Wayfarersonbaby · 23/12/2016 12:51

Don't invite them! And spend less time with them, maybe even none for a while. It sounds like you all need some distance from them in order for the simmering feelings not to be constantly on the verge of ignition. It can't be good for you all to be feeling like this. You need a break from it first of all to gain some perspective and clarity; then you can think clearly about what you want to do.

Topseyt · 23/12/2016 12:53

I don't get why they have been invited.

It sounds like the situation will be hard work all around, and hardly an ideal way to spend Christmas Day.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/12/2016 12:55

Why are you having Christmas with them if this is what they're like?

But to address your question, yes there are some wounds that never heal. And that's okay. All this 'you have to move on' style thinking just puts more pressure on the person who is hurting, telling them they're not hurting correctly.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2016 13:01

I think your husband should see if he can get counselling to free himself from his father mentally.

I don't blame them for hating the FIL & SMIL.

I'd not invite them into my life, they sound like they're only bringing unhappiness and not contributing anything positive to your lives.

Tenshidarkangel · 23/12/2016 13:03

I think its a case of forgiven but not forgotten sort of thing.
Ex did something recently that brought up a painful memory. I've moved on but the wound is still there and remembering it makes me angry and upset. It's probably similar for your MIL.

itsmine · 23/12/2016 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderWombat · 23/12/2016 13:10

I think children are entitled to have some sort of relationship with their grandparents - unless those grandparents present a danger to them.

Billben · 23/12/2016 13:17

I wouldn't have invited them to be honest. It will be like rubbing salt into wounds for your poor MIL and your DH. As for your FIL being a bully and them treating your child as their possession, well that needs to stop too. I just don't understand why people think they have to keep up pretence and tolerate other people just because they are family.

ExConstance · 23/12/2016 13:20

Sounds a bit childish to me to hold a grudge for 30 years. Last weekend in The Guardian there was an article about a woman who did not want to cook for her family this Christmas. The usual guests included her ex husband and his children from his first marriage ( their being his second) Her current husband's ex wife and her new husband and children, I thought it was such a credit to her that they all got on - but far too many to cook for. Life is just so much better if you move on and forgive if not forget. FiL and his current wife have been together for so long they presumably have a very loving relationship.

bluebeck · 23/12/2016 13:21

I don't understand. Why have you invited FIL when everyone hates him and he is a bully?

Wildwillow · 23/12/2016 13:24

Really, I choose now not to spend time with people I dislike, family, friends, work colleagues etc. Not in your own home and not at Christmas.

I have learnt that one doesnt need to make a big song and dance about it, just start doing what suits you. It is wrong for anyone to subject anyone else to emotional blackmail. Having experienced quite a lot of this one way or another - I obviously have trouble seeing it coming.... (doh..) I just ask myself if I would behave this way... if the answer is no, then I feel justified in not inviting or accepting invites that make me feel uncomfortable. And guess what..?? the world does not come to an end or the earth fall off its axis.... And if your DH feels he needs counselling to finally address unresolved hurt then maybe consider that as well. Peace and blessings.

PocoAndWine · 23/12/2016 13:26

It took me a long time to realise that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not the person who is seeking it/hurt you. Carrying that hatred around for a lifetime is tiring and it's much easier to forgive. This does not mean you are letting the other person away with it or letting them back in. It just means your butting your boundaries in place and not letting it impact you negatively. In my case I forgave the person AND cut them out of my life. They were toxic and no good for me but I choose not to let them bring me down.

Either way the FIL and wife will pay for what they've done. They won't get away with it. People who hurt other people pay for it even when they don't think they've done anything wrong. So consciously or subconsciously, they will have that burden on them!

emilybrontescorset · 23/12/2016 13:28

I'm puzzled as well as to why you have invited fil and his wife.

What matters most is how your dh feels.

MrsRhubarb · 23/12/2016 13:33

I think if after all this time then it isn't resolved then it's time to just cut the cord. We had an almost identical situation in our family, however me and my DDad managed to rebuild our relationship and I now have the most wonderful relationship with my DStepM, she will be my family even if anything ever happens to DDad.

That said I can't imagine a more awkward situtation than having them all in the same room as DM on Christmas Day, even though they all get on reasonably well these days. It sounds like a horrid situtation for you, and not one to be repeated! It's a bit late to get out of it this year unless you all come down with convenient case of S&D.

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2016 13:38

Who on earth invited them to come? Your poor mil, did no-one think how bloody horrible it would be for her, let alone your poorDH? Is this some misguided way of trying to keep a gf relationship going with a nasty bully? I'm bemused.

Costacoffeeplease · 23/12/2016 14:02

Another one wondering why they were even invited?

KnittedBlanketHoles · 23/12/2016 14:20

I would hate them forever, as any member of the injured party, I just would.

Even if I could be civil for others she, I'd still hate them.

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