AIBU – some things can never be forgiven or fixed even 30 years later?

[SunshineGirl2016]

This question relates to a situation over 30 years ago when DHs dad left his mum…for mum’s best friend….who was also DHs godmother. DH was 12 at the time and this tore his family apart. He and his mum had to move to a tiny house and were severely strapped for cash. Since then, DHs dad has married mum’s best friend and they are still together 30 years later.

DH and I got married last year, had a baby this year and will be celebrating Christmas at our house with FIL and his wife (mum’s former best friend) and MIL. MIL is able to be civil to her ex husband and ex best friend on the surface at least. FIL and the wife seem to think all is forgiven and all is well not realising that MIL and DH really still hate the dad and his wife. DH has major issues with his dad but suffering from FOG – fear, obligation, guilt and does everything to please him – FIL is a bully, domineering but let’s not even go there. FIL and the wife have never had any children and see my DS as their possession. It’s such a messed up situation which is waiting to ignite. Anyway, my question is – can their affair from 30 years ago ever be forgiven? If anything happened to FIL who is 77, DH would have nothing to do with the wife who is 75. On the surface all appears calm with FIL and wife not realizing how hated they are….what does everyone think?

I think if your DH still hates his Df and his wife I'd not invite them for family occasions. Of course his Df and wife think all is well, they weren't the ones who had to suffer the fallout of their actions. In your DH shoes I'd arrange to meet them, tell them honestly the effects of their actions had on him and his DM and be prepared for them to go NC. Your DH will never be at peace with himself if he is isn't honest with himself and them at some point.

I wouldn't hate them as so many people are divorced and remarry. Him being an unpleasant bully is a reason not to want to see much of him but if my husband thought he'd be happier with someone else I'd rather he left. I'd hope years later I wasn't feeling bitter about it. It's sad MIL hasn't accepted some relationships don't last forever, plus if he is unpleasant doesn't she feel well rid?

I agree that expecting people who are divorced to play happy families on Christmas day is unrealistic though. My husband and I don't see our exes on Christmas day.

DH has for the past many years tried to be a "perfect" son to both FIL and MIL. DH is a people pleaser who wants to keep his dad happy - on some level he is afraid of him but also does despise him on a deeper level though he would never admit it. The reason for the Xmas invite is because DH wants to keep everyone happy - I know he is deluded but he can't see it himself.

Your last sentence speaks volumes: deluded, can't see it.
So, what are you doing about that? You seem to be allowing / compliant is allowing all this mess to continue.

Believe me, this whole issue has driven a huge wedge between me and DH. I cannot tolerate bs but DH is the opposite. He needs to be the one to stand up to his dad but he doesn't. When I do, then I'm the evil DIL. DH has been in this shit for the past 30 years and it's become the norm for him to have this utterly dysfunctional relationship with his parents.

Yes if your DH has to have Df, seperate the days when you have his mum and dad I can imagine this is incredibly painful for your DMIL.

In the new year I'd talk to your DH about having some counselling so he has a chance to recognise his feelings in this painful scenario. I take a bet that you could cut the atmosphere at your house over Xmas

You can sort this. Or at least make it a bit better.
Agree. Get him counselling.

Be clever. Play the game ever so slightly differently. Don't let yourself be painted as the evil one. I bet you are clever enough and canny enough, to make him think things are his own idea. Or when he suggests fil, mil, etc for Christmas Day, you must very very gently step in and say, no love. You are so nice, but you can't see that this (basically is a fxxking awful suggestion) ... what about a/b/c instead? Smile ....

It's only natural to seek your parent's approval. But if he still hasn't approval as an adult, he won't get it.
I second out of the fog:
outofthefog.website