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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be dying to know why ive been unfriended by old aquaintances on Facebook?

63 replies

BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 10:22

Background so i dont have to dripfeed:
4 of us in a friendship group. Me and person A best mates for 10 years (since 12 years old), but fell out about 10 years ago for something relatively serious. persons B also fell out with A about the same thing and person C fell out with A shortly after.

I only really knew B and C because of A but after I fell out with A i stayed friends with B and C for a while and then it sort of just faded out. No bad feeling, just our lives took different paths. B and C are good friends. But since I joined facebook about 8 years ago, B and C have been my facebook friends. There has been next to no actual contact, but we like each others photos of kids and weddings etc, that sort of thing.

I am aware, through facebook tagging etc that B and C have recently reconnected with A and they seem to be in regular contact, going for drinks, each others kids' birthday parties, meeting new babies etc.

Anyway, this morning whilst just browsing facebook i clicked on the 'likes' on a post of mine from last week and noticed that C had 'liked' it, but now there is an icon next to the 'like' asking me if i want to add as friend. She would not have been able to see my post if she was not my FB friend last week. I also noticed that B was not cited as a mutual friend. I know that B was my FB friends last week as i commented (nicely) on one of her photos that came up on my newsfeed. Therefore it seems that both of them have decided at the same time to unfriend me.

I doubt that it is at the request of A, as she would be the type of person who would prefer B and C to be able to see my profile so that she could have access to it too.

And i literally havent seen any of these people for over 10 years.

So the child in me is DYING to know why they have unfriended me. Any ideas?

OP posts:
ICanCountToOneHundred · 23/12/2016 11:35

Moving you can always close the thread?

Dulcimena · 23/12/2016 11:37

God this is exactly why I don't do Facebook. It would play on my mind too, OP, but I'm sure it's just a "hold on, when did we last actually see or speak to Basin?" housekeeping thing. Think no more of it, you don't have reason to talk any more and neither of you have made meaningful contact in over a decade. There is no relationship there, is there?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 23/12/2016 11:44

They've probably unfriended you because now they are friends with A again they all got together, had a good bitch about you, and have collectively decided not to be friends with you any more.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 11:44

Every thats a very good point and if true, id be really happy for A as it would mean that she had changed her ways.

Im not obsessing but im not going to labour the point because this is AIBU and a thread about Facebook so I know people prefer to think that im sitting here crying about being unfriended or about mumsnet not believing me etc.

I also tend to unfollow rather than unfriend to be fair. I dont do it often though mainly if someone posts a walking dead spoiler or similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 11:47

not really bib

Just passing time sitting in an empty office with no one to talk to and its not exactly interesting enough to warrant bringing it up to someone in real life is it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/12/2016 11:48

You're not that interested and it's not playing on your mind?

Yet here you are, discussing the ins and outs of it in fairly great detail on Mumsnet.

Of course it's playing on your mind, but it's honestly not worth your time.

It's the day before Christmas Eve. I'm sure you have tons of things to be getting on with and thinking about. Unless you're one of those smug fuckers who got everything done last August Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

Honestly, just let it go because you'll never truly know the answer unless they tell you themselves, and that's unlikely.

HeddaGabbler · 23/12/2016 11:50

Op you said yourself you are DYING to know. Your capitals. I would say that means it is playing on your mind. You keep telling yourself that you're not hung up on it though Hmm

sizeofalentil · 23/12/2016 11:53

Weird they did it at the same time. I'd assume they saw A and told her what you were up to (the thing they 'liked') and she made PA comments about you being friends and hinted to unfriend you.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/12/2016 11:54

Did B and C know that you had fallen out with A at the time? And why?

My guess would be that when they all reconnected recently, A told them her version of why you both fell out. And this led to them defriending you.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 11:56

im just going to re-post this....

Im not obsessing but im not going to labour the point because this is AIBU and a thread about Facebook so I know people prefer to think that im sitting here crying about being unfriended or about mumsnet not believing me etc

And that is fine if you dont believe me. Im just chatting to strangers on the internet.

Im also DYING to see my friends wedding dress but it doesnt keep me awake at night.

And no i didnt finish for xmas in August, but after the bruises and mental scarring from my Tesco visit last night i wish i had!

OP posts:
Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 11:59

Very yes they were involved in the thing we fell out about and both also fell out with her about it at the time.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/12/2016 12:09

Ah, ok. That does make it more puzzling.

Is it possible that she could have given them a different spin on what happened recently? (She'd have had years to dream one up!)

Or even told them that you'd said x, y or z about them during the time you were all friends?

You'll likely never know. That would be my guess though.

OneADayAndThenWhat · 23/12/2016 12:15

Maybe there's a completely boring reason such as they had been discussing Facebook and that it would be a good idea to cull all the people they weren't close too.

CatACombs · 23/12/2016 12:18

OP YANBU.
A obviously asked them to unfriend you, and as she is the one they are actively friends with, they agreed.
No loss from your life really, but any one of us would have noticed and wondered, same as you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 23/12/2016 12:23

Thanks for stating something that is both obvious and irrelevant ICanCountToAHundred and OP. Why would finding the op slightly ridiculous mean I would want to close the thread? Confused

I LIVE for ridiculous ops!

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 12:24

I doubt it very, on the basis of the dynamic when we were friends they wouldnt believe her and just ignore anything like 'she said x about you'.

No way in which she could spin what happened when we fell out though, it wasnt a gossipy argument type thing, it was much more serious than that.

But as I havent actually seen any of them in years its possible that they are all very different people to what i remember so who knows.

No cat, no loss, just wondering as is human nature.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 23/12/2016 12:26

I have a one strike rule and unfriend if people share anything from someone like Britain First or if they vaguebook looking for attention.
Maybe you just annoyed them somehow.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 12:30

like a pact oneday? Do you think they bound it with blood?

OP posts:
MarjorieSimpson · 23/12/2016 12:30

Well as it is clear that A still has some major issues with you.
And that B and C are building bridges with her again.

I suspect that it's a way to take some distances from you because it would upset A.
Plus, as you have very little contact with B and C, it's not as if it will make a big difference in their lives iyswim.
It could also be that they both saw A last week and she had a rant about you (why would she bring you into the conversation, who knows??) so it highlighted to them that being friends on FB wasn't a great idea (or A had a go at them for being friends with you)

Thinkingblonde · 23/12/2016 12:53

Something similar happened to me. One of my nieces unfriended me and my two daughters. We didn't know about it until another niece posted a photo of niece no 1's dad at his birthday celebration. My dd rang me and asked if I knew about this celebration as the whole family appeared to be there except us. I didn't have a clue so contacted niece no 2 who told me that a family group open invitation post had been put on Facebook with time and date of the celebration. Everyone got it it seems apart from us three. Daughter no 1 wasn't impressed and contacted her cousin who denied it all. There have been no arguments or fall outs among us all prior to this. We all get along famously. Niece no 2 was upset as she thought she'd done something wrong by posting a pic of the day, my girls were upset, I was bemused and confused by it all. We put it down to a glitch but I'm still unsure it was a glitch.

RichardBucket · 23/12/2016 12:53

When I was a teenager I added everyone I vaguely knew the name of because the number of friends you had was important.

When I grew up I removed everybody I didn't interact with. I don't care about the number, and I don't want to see pointless updates from people I don't care about.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 12:56

Yeah maybe Marjorie, but i suppose the curiosity in that scenario is why was I a topic of conversation?

In regards to A, you know how some people say that losing a best friend is like losing a partner? Well i can relate to that. When we stopped being friends I chose to essentially walk away from a large part of my life because I had to respect the 'her' people and 'my' people dynamic and thats just the way it had to be. It would be very easy for A to have completely forgotten about me as we never have or never will cross paths. But as were were best friends, like for me, im sure i left an imprint on her life. I suppose I am curious to know how that has played out to the point where it is possibly still impacting on her regularly now. Even though some serious stuff happened and I am not interested in being friends with her again, I have forgiven her and I do wish her well. I hope that she isnt negatively impacted by whatever influence i still have on her life, if i do have one. Im not saying that I do, but IF i do then i guess that does make me sad for her.

B and C are unimportant apart from the fact that they have unfreinded me.

Grin
OP posts:
WildUnknown · 23/12/2016 13:34

I do know what you mean Basin don't feel bad.

I recently realised that someone I didn't think had ever been on Facebook is and just had me blocked from the get go. We were friends throughout our childhood and it faded during uni.

It doesn't BOTHER me, I'm not crying over it, but there was a sting, definitely. And a bit of reflection, on what was before and what could have been, before getting on with life.

Original poster
BasinHaircut · 23/12/2016 14:02

Thanks wild.

I definately dont feel bad, or guilty or anything like that. I have no desire to contact her or feel that I should let her know she is forgiven or anything like that, she made her bed etc....

But even though on reflection, and through the eyes of a much older person, she was a truly shite friend most of the time anyway, we did grow up together and share lots of experiences and good times. Its still a shame that things worked out quite the way that they did and I have lots of fond memries IYSWIM.

But hey ho. Ive moved on and im certain that my life has turned out much better without her influence. I guess it will just always be at the back of my mind.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 23/12/2016 15:17

OP you've no idea what's going on in their lives, you've no idea if you may actually have a link to someone who has caused them a tremendous amount of pain, and they may not want a link between them, and that person whatsoever.

When I cut ties with my family, everyone who was linked to them on facebook was also deleted. I didn't want anything in my life being shared with them, I didn't want anything happenning in my their lives shared with me.

It meant that I "lost" aunts, uncles, people who I'd grown up close to, think of family friends who are almost like aunts and cousins. Even people who I went to school with who had been friends with my mum and sisters on facebook,

Only one person who I made an exception for. A friend I've had since the age of 12. Not for a second did I believe that she would share information. I did out of necessity take her to one side at my wedding and say, this will sound odd, but I know you are friends with ....... who is my DDs absent fathers cousin. If you do take pictures today. I'd appreciate you not sharing them on facebook for this reason. We laughed and she said she would never do that. I felt mortified at how silly I had been to think she would do that.

A few months ago she shares a screenshot of one of my sisters posts on facebook where she was making out she had been kept from having a relationship with DD. Not the case at all.
I told her I didn't want to know. Explained why.

A few weeks later, she sends me a gooey message about my sister who's pregnant, asking if I know, oh how exciting!!! Should get in touch!! ... well not really. She knows why I'm NC with my family, and the child that my sister is carrying is likely to be taken into care at birth. None of the family are stable enough to take on the child. I'm not stepping in to end up clearing the mess and ending up right in the middle of a situation like that. I couldn't do it to my child.

I've recently moved to one of the towns I grew up in. I am now so careful about what I post on facebook as I am worried that she will share my location and I'll end up with the dysfunctionals at my door.

Maybe it's not a problem with you, but who you know,