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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with Family

78 replies

Altogethernow · 22/12/2016 14:28

Nc'd for this one and feel free to flame away if I deserve it.

My dh and I are relatively well off. This is due in part to us both having reasonably well paid jobs, but mostly due to dh inheriting a large amount from relatives. Because of this we have a very low mortgage and buy ourselves (probably too much) stuff that we enjoy but don't really need.

Recently I agreed that my dh could spend a not inconsiderable amount on a new car, and we would remortgage to cover this cost plus having a new garage built (since our old one was pretty much falling down). It was all sorted out, but we discovered we needing a bridging loan for a couple of weeks to cover the garage being built. We were fully prepared to do this through the bank, but I spoke about it to my mum and she said she had the funds and was willing to loan it to us.

Anyway, everything goes fine to begin with. Work starts on the building, the car is purchased and all the money comes through so I tell my mum to give me her bank details so I can pay her back. She doesn't do this even after a couple of requests, and the next time I speak to her she tells me she doesn't need it and to keep it for a bit incase we need it for anything else.

Then the builder tells us our house is subsiding and should really be fixed. Me and dh discuss how we can afford for this, including claiming on insurance, reselling the car etc. At this point I have another chat with mum asking if she is really sure she doesn't need the money back, and if we could pay it back in large monthly instalments instead. She says she is more than happy to do this.

So cue yesterday, I visit her and she totally flips at me. My mum is not very well off. She has a low paid job, but has very large savings. She goes mental saying that she didn't know dh was buying a car (which she did, we both told her and he showed her pictures of it) and that she never has nice stuff so how dare we ask her to help effectively buy this for him and she wants her money back right now. she kicked me out and I left in tears.

It all escalated from there, my dh had a go at her for shouting at me as he thought it was unfair. My brother then got involved and proceeded to tell me I had been hugely out of order for even asking my mum to help out.

So that's my question. Was I awful to ask my mum for the original loan? Was I even more unreasonable to accept her offer to keep the money, which she made before we even knew we would need it.

Thanks if you made it this far btw, and I know money is always a difficult issue. We have never asked for financial help before, and never plan on doing so again now.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 22/12/2016 15:17

You said in your OP you remortgaged for the car & garage!

You can't afford a new flash car if you have to remortgage for it Confused

Sell the bloody car, pay your mum back & reassess your finances, it doesnt sound like you're as well off as you think you are, or act like you are

eddielizzard · 22/12/2016 15:18

write a cheque and post it through her door!

i think you need to seriously consider your financial strategy.

DisneyMillie · 22/12/2016 15:18

You really need to tell your insurer about the subsidence even if you don't want to claim - if if gets worse / anything goes wrong with the fix you might be uninsured for not declaring known issues

Phoebex · 22/12/2016 15:20

Its a tad weird your low paid mum paying for her well off son in law to have a new car Confused

AngryRabbit · 22/12/2016 15:20

How old is your mother and is this out of character for her? Could it be the onset of dementia?

I ask because she now says she didn't know you were buying a car, when you very clearly told her about it. Reminds me a bit of MIL - she'd happily sponsored DC for an event at school and when I mentioned the money to her - £5! - she went completely crazy and accused us both of stealing all the money she had in the world.

She was so totally irrational (as opposed to her usual level of irrational Grin )that it was a clear sign something was very badly wrong, and it did turn out to be dementia.

Anyway, given what you've said about how she offered both times, and is now backtracking competely, no, YANBU. But give some thought as to why it might be that she's behaving like this. If it is dementia she probably just feels very, very unsafe, which often makes sufferers hostile.

SapphireStrange · 22/12/2016 15:22

She did a weird U-turn. I don't understand why. I think she's being U, TBH.

YorkiesGlasses · 22/12/2016 15:22

Write her a cheque and post it through her door.

Original poster
Altogethernow · 22/12/2016 15:24

To everyone saying I should pay her back, I swear I am trying. I was wary of just transferring back to the details the money came from, but only because I know my mum doesn't internet bank, and I wanted to make sure it went where she wanted it. She is now saying she does still want to loan it to us, that she doesn't need it. I want to give it back to her. I desperately regret ever accepting her offer. She is now taking offence that I want to pay her back, like my giving her the money back is akin to my saying I still upset about her shouting at me. She apologised, I apologised, dh apologised.

OP posts:
wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 22/12/2016 15:26

Ask her for her bank details for the 'first installment' and then just send her all the money.

Sounds to me as though you both just had different expectations and now that's causing problems.

I would ask DH to apologise to your Mum. His involvement in that way won't improve anything. And then I suppose you just have to give it some time for things to settle down.

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 22/12/2016 15:27

X post - just seen that DH has apologised.

TheInternetIsForPorn · 22/12/2016 15:28

What car did he buy?

misses the point

Fairylea · 22/12/2016 15:31

I am surprised at people having a go at you for remortgaging to buy a car. If it's just a small amount compared to how much equity you have and it's paid off reasonably quickly why is that worse than getting any other sort of finance (which may be more costly)?

We have a lot of equity in our home and have remortgaged a few times for a smaller amount for a shorter term against the longer very low mortgage we have. We know that if it all goes belly up we can sell the house, pay off whatever we need to and still have enough to buy somewhere else.

I really think it depends on how much your mortgage is, how much equity you have and how much you borrow.

I think it's a very odd situation with your mum considering she knew why you borrowed the money and didn't want it back Confused All you can do is literally give her the money back now I guess.

Original poster
Altogethernow · 22/12/2016 15:31

Since the flames are well and truly fanned anyway.

He brought a 1996 Dodge Viper.

At least it won't depreciate

OP posts:
TheInternetIsForPorn · 22/12/2016 15:34

Not my personal taste of car but a nice one nonetheless. Good choice. I'm married to a car enthusiast too. He's counting the years until the kids aren't so small and he can buy another 'pride and joy' car.

Lorelei76 · 22/12/2016 15:36

OP, I think it's key here whether you remortgaged for a better deal generally

as I said, it might be a factor in whether or not your mum feels she misunderstood you

anyway, I think you've done all you can do and will just need to wait for it to blow over. But - sorry - I think maybe you need to think about your finances - you may not, but you've not answered a few key questions here which does make me wonder if you've got zero savings.

I overpay the mortgage too but you do need savings for emergencies etc.

user1480946351 · 22/12/2016 15:38

He brought a Dodge Viper where?

whattheseithakasmean · 22/12/2016 15:40

Were you bleating to your mum about how poor you were, so she offered the loan? It is just that my wealthiest friends are the ones that moan most about money and get massive bail outs from their family in response. My friends that I know must be genuinely hard up never mention money, as they are too proud to complain they don't have enough.

If your mum offered, you must have made yourself sound like a charity case. Learn your lesson, be financially self reliant and stop thinking you 'deserve' flash cars.

GrinchyKiwi · 22/12/2016 15:48

He brought a 1996 Dodge Viper.

One of my dream cars. And highly frivolous. Grin

Agree with PP that overpaying on your mortgage is probably better at the moment than saving since interest rates on savings accounts are so low.

Not sure what more you can do re your mother's loan. Maybe just sit down and talk to her face to face to get the account details to pay it back.

CotswoldStrife · 22/12/2016 15:49

Did your mother pay you in cash then? How do you not have her bank details from the original transfer or cheque?

I don't think you should have taken the money from your mother. Can your brother help with the bank details or ask her for you? You say that you have the money ready to give her, I would make that point to your brother because he may well assume that you don't have it - tbh, from what you've said on this thread you probably come across as not being very good with money!

There is a possibility that your brother has found out about this loan and pointed out to your mum what a bad idea it is

Italiangreyhound · 22/12/2016 15:54

I agree with dowhatnow "Just talk. apologize if there was a misunderstanding, and arrange to pay her back asap."

But for the record, I think remortgaging to buy a car was crazy. If you both have good jobs and have had inheritances etc why not save for stuff you want.

Your mum has a low paid job but you borrowed from her and then did not pay her back? Bad move.

But the fact she seems to have forgotten all this was agreed by her does suggest she is either very forgetful or getting ill. Is she elderly, could there be an illness you do not know about, or is she someone who usually changes her mind/forgets what has been agreed?

DixieWishbone · 22/12/2016 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 22/12/2016 16:06

It seems like you are making a big unnecessary drama. Pay it into the account it came from. If she wants to move it, she can. What's the problem?

somewheresomehow · 22/12/2016 16:10

Give your mum a cheque or put it back into the account it came from and sell the bloody car

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 22/12/2016 16:11

Ugh 'we work very hard to afford it'. 1. Most people work hard, please don't kid yourself that only people with a lot of money work hard. And 2. You CAN'T afford the car. You never could afford the car. Remortgaging your house to buy a CAR?! I really hope this is a wind up thread-if not you are incredibly stupid.

Tomhardysmistress · 22/12/2016 16:20

OP I would just pay her back however you can, and attempt to get things smoothed over with her as much as you can especially with it being so close to Xmas.

And I would hide the thread as you know you were being unreasonable but you don't deserve to be repeatedly flamed.

Just draw a line under it, lesson learned to never borrow money off friends or family again...and move on.