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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset that my sister didn't ask me to be her baby's Godmother?

56 replies

KittensWithWeapons · 21/12/2016 23:00

I know I am. I'm being really silly, and petty, and unreasonable. But, I'm really saddened by this. I've been on hand whenever my sister wanted me to help. I've stayed over, minded him, let sister and her DH have lie ins. I've spent three hours on a bus almost every week since he's been born, to either babysit or just keep my sister company. I really thought they'd ask me to be his godmother. But nope. Other sister who just swans in, holds him and poses for photographs, then buggers off on a night out is the Godmother. I'm really hurt by this. Please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 22/12/2016 00:00

I really don't get all these back off posts. Were u involved in nephews life so that you'd be godmother or because he's your nephew?

Is godmother sister older than you? If so I'd think that's it in a let's not offend anyone way.

stonecircle · 22/12/2016 00:00

She may have a good reason - as others have said, perhaps to encourage your dsis to be more involved. But it's a bit insensitive of her to not anticipate that you might feel a bit hurt and tell you why she has done this.

Could you ask her? Maybe don't ask outright why you weren't chosen, but just ask what made her choose your other sister?

I'd be very hurt in your shoes. But I think an Aunty trumps a godmother any day of the week so I don't think your other sister has any status above yours.

Enkopkaffetak · 22/12/2016 06:43

YANBU op.. My sister decided to have our brother as godfather and her oldest friend. I was hurt by that particularly as I had been the one who was there for her in the first 3 months of my nieces life. We were the only 2 living in the UK. I would take the train to my sisters 1-2 times a week to see her and spend time with her. She then moved back to our home country and after that I didnt get a look in. I didnt even get a invite to her Christening

DN is 22 now but It is still something I feel sad about. I have never been asked to be anyones Godmother. DH is godfather to 3.

The idiotic thing about all this is that A brother is not religious (I am) and B brother cut all contact with sister and niece about a year later and they didnt speak for 17 years C 3 years on when sis was making her will she named me as the one for niece to live with..

Oh well

MrsBobDylan · 22/12/2016 06:57

I completely understand you feel hurt, but please, please don't let this change how you have been with your dsis. Choosing godparents is a fraught process, which entirely lends itself to pissing people off and still ending up without an involved godparent. Please don't let this spoil what you have - you sound like an epic sister and as long as you feel appreciated (as you should)for your efforts, try and let this go.

AtSea1979 · 22/12/2016 07:07

I chose my DC god parents for who was in the best position to look after them if god forbid I ever died, not necessarily who was most hands on.

Is it possible that you're doing all this stuff for them and actually they don't want you to? And want some alone time just them and baby?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2016 07:09

Why? You're already his aunt, why do you need a double moniker?
I'm not godmother to any of my 3 DNs, and nor is my sister godmother to my DC. Because we already have a relationship with them as aunts.

Sirzy · 22/12/2016 07:13

I chose my DC god parents for who was in the best position to look after them if god forbid I ever died, not necessarily who was most hands on

You do realise that being a godparent has no bearing upon legal guardianship if parents die don't you?

chatnanny · 22/12/2016 07:14

We made a decision not to have any family members as Godparents so that our DC gained an extra special person. When we were discussing it with no 1 DC neither of us knew who our Godparents were except my DM's friend who was my Godmother. All the others between us were aunts and uncles and the Godparent relationship had been eclipsed by the familial one. This has worked well and they all know who their Godparents are.
Still, she might have communicated with you, that's naughty.

chatnanny · 22/12/2016 07:15

Ah note to self RTFT! Is she doing sisters in age order?

SaltedCaramelEverything · 22/12/2016 07:16

After reading the title I came on to say YABU. I don't plan to have our brothers / sisters as god parents as they already have the uncle / aunt title so I'd like to make friends god parents. However... that's such a shame that your other sister has! Is there someone else in the family you can ask about why (eg parents?) before you decide whether to ask your sister about why?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/12/2016 07:17

I would be upset in that situation too. And if she did choose your sister just to make her feel better, that's a really strange decision.

Interesting seeing thoughts on family as godparents on here though. I purposely avoided choosing friends as godparents because so much changes in life and I couldn't be sure they'd stay in our lives long term - dh has 4 godparents, all friends, none of which has had any contact with the family for at least 20 years.

llangennith · 22/12/2016 07:32

YANBU. Why not both sisters as godmothers?

MandyFl0ss · 22/12/2016 07:34

You already do so much for them OP, perhaps your sister takes you for granted; I don't mean this in a bad way, I am sure she appreciates you and everything you do, but she knows you'll be there regardless. YANBU at all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2016 07:34

Ah. Should have read more carefully.
Yes, I can see why you're upset that you perceive your other sister to have been chosen over you - that does suck.
Are you generally the one who is overlooked? do you try too hard to please people because of this? does the mother of the baby try too hard to please your other sister?

Just trying to assess the psychology (armchair version) behind her slightly odd choice.

oleoleoleole · 22/12/2016 07:37

I'd ask her about choice of Godmothers and if she asks why I'd say something like as here are two of us sisters what made you choose just one.

SheldonCRules · 22/12/2016 07:41

I'd back off too, it sounds like they are taking you for granted and have asked the other sister in the hope she will start doing the same.

Very hurtful behaviour.

DoubleCarrick · 22/12/2016 07:46

I was coming on to say yabu but actually I don't think you are. You have every right to be upset although you probably shouldn't say anything. You'll have a lovely relationship with your nephew and it is probably their way of trying to also include your sister.

FWIW, my reasons for thinking you were being unreasonable is that we've asked a cousin and his partner to be legal guardians if we die rather than my sibling dh has no siblings. They may be offended but we've gone with the people who are like minded to us and will raise the baby in a way that fits with our ethos

hels71 · 22/12/2016 07:47

I am one of several siblings. My sister has all my other siblings as grandparents to her children....but not me. It does hurt. I sympathise.

TheInternetIsForPorn · 22/12/2016 07:52

I'd be hurt. You can have multiple godparents so why not choose both of you? Unless they intend you to be down as legal guardian in the event of an accident and you're in their will as such.

While I understand why it hurts I'd try and see it as the fact that you don't need a title. You are just in his life and a brilliant aunty. You're actually being there for him, properly. God mother in the long run will mean very little as a title of itself, being someone he goes to when he's sad, has relationship issues, needs advice etc will be invaluable to him.

Deliaskis · 22/12/2016 08:02

I would try and think about it less in terms of who deserves or has earned the position, and more about what your nephew needs in his life. You are already in his life in such a way that they are probably confident that you always will be. For all you know, they might wish you to be legal guardian in the event that something terrible happens. Your sister is not currently involved in his life, so perhaps this is their way to try and make sure she is. I always think it's a bit pointless to choose someone who is already heavily involved, the idea, IMO, is to add an additional person to your nephew's life.

CurbsideProphet · 22/12/2016 08:09

I'm an auntie and would be very hurt. It sounds like you're a lovely aunt, however, I would back right off. Why should you be staying over to let them have lie ins etc? It sounds like they take you for granted and don't appreciate what you do for them.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 22/12/2016 08:14

I don't understand people saying that they wouldn't have family as godparents. I deliberately only
Chose godparents as family because friends come and go but family will always be family and will always be a part of my children's lives. I wanted to be sure that my
Children's godparents would still be around when my Children are young adults.
Yanbu to be upset that she didn't choose you but don't let it get in the way of the bond that you have with your nephew. You sound like a great auntie.

LizzyButton · 22/12/2016 08:19

These roles mean very different things to different people. I'm mild to medium religious but have parents from two different strands of Christianity. DP's tribe are a third set. When deciding on godparents we eventually went for two lifelong friends who knew that part of the deal was to play a role if we snuffed it.

Sierra259 · 22/12/2016 12:27

Interesting point about non-siblings being godparents as siblings would likely be involved anyway. I chose my sisters as none of our mutual close friends are Catholic. We also had DH's DB for DC1. Friends for DC2.

I can completely understand why you're upset OP. I would have had both sisters or neither. You sound like a lovely auntie.

annlee3817 · 22/12/2016 12:54

Maybe they want to make your other sister Godmother so that she makes more of an effort, whereas they don't need to do that with you as you are already a great Aunt?

That's how I would look at it. Am not religious so it's not something I'm as bothered about.

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