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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is sometimes impossible to get over someone?

38 replies

Therealbridgetjones · 21/12/2016 20:07

Earlier this year, after a very difficult break up, I started dating a wonderful man. He is incredibly good looking (just my type), funny, interesting, well travelled, huge circle of friends and in a very good career.

We dated for around 6 months until our work took us both in separate directions and we called it a day. We still met up on a few occasions but he is now abroad.

We last saw each other in November. I have since moved to a new city.

I'm massively struggling to get over him. I know there is no chance of us getting back together either and he has moved on (not with someone else but mentally I think he has drawn a line under things).

I think about him practically every minute of the day and how he used to make me feel, what we used to do, replaying memories. I want to believe I will move on but I just turned 27 and it seems all the men my age or older want young girlfriends. My friends agree that I won't find another man like him and it all just feels so hopeless.

AIBU to think that I genuinely will never meet someone else that matches up to this guy, and that it sometimes genuinely is impossible to find anyone else?

OP posts:
BobbieDog · 21/12/2016 20:11

It's natural to have someone who is the one that got away.

Are you sure there is no possibility for a reconciliation?

echt · 21/12/2016 20:12

You're 27.

I met my future DH at 38, so you've lots of time.

Mumto2uk · 21/12/2016 20:15

You obviously are in love with him the way you talk about your feelings. If I felt that way about someone and I didn't know for sure he wouldn't ever want to rekindle, I'd fight for him and find out for 100% one way or the other. At least then you could fully try and move on. Sounds like you are in limbo. Hope everything works out for you x

Original poster
Therealbridgetjones · 21/12/2016 20:23

I don't know if he won't ever want to rekindle but I have laid my feelings out to him and he doesn't think it could work with the distance so I know I need to let it go. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I am more invested than him anyway. And the only way for me to let go is to cut contact (in my opinion). Only that doesn't stop me thinking about him and worrying that I'll never get over it (I do worry every day).

In all other aspects I'm a sensible, successful woman but on this I am just stuck.

OP posts:
YouMaySayImADreamer · 21/12/2016 20:23

I felt like this about someone once. People talked to me a lot about how you get over a broken heart but it was consuming me like you describe. I couldn't stop thinking about him and I honestly couldnt see how I would get over it.

I had no contact for a few months when I thought, im going to call him. One last attempt and then I would always know at least that I had tried and it was then out of my hands. I called, he said he felt the same and we have never looked back. We are now married with two DC. I will never know if I would be over him but I honestly dont think I would. It is worth a try.

CockacidalManiac · 21/12/2016 20:24

Situations like this are very difficult and painful. I've had a very similar experience, so I feel for you.

StarlingMurderation · 21/12/2016 20:25

Cut contact. Going cold turkey is incredible hard but in the long term, staying in touch with someone who doesn't want a relationship (for whatever reason) while you still do, is torture and doesn't allow to to move on with your life.

peppatax · 21/12/2016 20:25

Watching with interest - currently 'on a break' from my DP and consumed with sadness that he might not feel in the New Year that he wants to be with me still. Any coping strategies gratefully received! I've never had a 'break up' before when I've felt like I won't be able to get over it.

YouMaySayImADreamer · 21/12/2016 20:26

Sorry, cross post. But yes cut contact. Before I did this, he had said it wouldn't work, and we had agreed I was more invested etc. which was a killer to hear.

I cut contact not out of spite but because it was upsetting me and giving me false hope every time I had contact. It made the day to day much easier as I wasn't waiting for a message in hope everyday.

CalleighDoodle · 21/12/2016 20:27

Can you not move abroad? At 27 you are young and have the time to work abroad. If it still doesnt work, youve still had a big adventure.

Original poster
Therealbridgetjones · 21/12/2016 20:27

Not sure if we cross posted Dreamer but I have laid my feelings on the line a couple of times and he insists he doesn't want a relationship.

Ironically this happened to me a few years ago and I am now over this guy but it took so long and I just can't go through that again. Now that I'm older I also feel that time is running out for me.

I guess I just need hope!

OP posts:
StarlingMurderation · 21/12/2016 20:28

I had a very similar situation, and after a few months, I cut contact altogether. I thought to myself, see how you feel in a month and at the end of the month, although I still wanted to get back in touch, I knew I was starting to heal so I didn't contact him. Two months later I met DP, we're now engaged, own a house together and have a two year old DS. I doubt any of that would have happened if I'd carried on pining after the ex.

Original poster
Therealbridgetjones · 21/12/2016 20:30

Calleigh, it's really complicated. He's just moved to one country but won't be there long before he moves to another. Me moving to be with him has never been discussed as it would just be impossible (military guy).

OP posts:
Original poster
Therealbridgetjones · 21/12/2016 20:31

It's now been a month since I saw him and two weeks since we spoke but I'm still consumed by it!

OP posts:
FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 21/12/2016 20:34

I broke up with my DP due to distance. We both ended up together again after nearly 3 years apart. Approaching 4 years together now and just bought our first house.
A break now doesn't mean forever, a bit of a break may be what you both need to reassess

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 21/12/2016 20:38

He seems to have made it clear he is not interested so I agree you need to cut contact and do anything to stop thinking about him, an epic round the world trip.

If he had not made his feelings clear I would be saying try and ask him, but there is nothing you can do. In fact cutting contact may make him think again about whether he wants to loose you.

trickycat · 21/12/2016 20:38

'My friends agree I won't find another man like him' This is ridiculous frankly. Who knows who is in your future?

You are 27. Anything could happen. Put yourself out there.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 21/12/2016 20:40

Sorry OP my previous answer is no help to you since he has made it clear he isn't looking for a relationship at the moment.
I agree with the cut contact suggestion.
Also have words with your friends for being so stupidly unhelpful by saying you won't find someone else as good!

Candlestickchick · 21/12/2016 20:41

Break ups are horrific and feeling like you'll never meet anyone who matches up is how I felt when I broke up with my ex. I was suicidal for several months and took many months of therapy before I felt even vaguely human. Could see no point at all in life or in me without him as I just didn't think anyone else could match up.

Fast forward18 months and I met my now fiancé. I am genuinely so much happier with him than with the ex.

Keep heart! I am sorry for what you are going through but stay strong because I felt the same way you did and I was wrong - there was someone out there for me who more than matched up to my ex, and there will be for you too Flowers

KatieScarlett · 21/12/2016 20:43

Your friends are stupid.
You are 27, in your prime.
Keep the NC up, he knows how you feel and isn't interested. It's time to move on.

Candlestickchick · 21/12/2016 20:43

To add - I'm not suggesting you'll need therapy or whatever like I did (complicating factor for me was ex was abusive), I only mentioned that to demonstrate that I genuinely thought there was nothing else for me.

SaucyJack · 21/12/2016 20:43

Mate... you're 27 and you had a six month fling with him.

He won't the final chapter in your autobiography. Trust me :-)

TheZeppo · 21/12/2016 20:44

I hear you. I still have to work with mine. I'm 34, I definitely feel like time is running out. My heart is still broken and he's moved on (though I know he still cares for me- he's a good person).

Xmas makes it all that little bit worse, but I've decided in the new year to move jobs and stop talking about him. I'll never move on otherwise.

I think there will be room for someone else. I see it like he is filling up my heart and head but there is a tiny amount of room at the side. Hopefully someone new will slit into that tiny gap and grow- pushing him out in the process.

Patriciathestripper1 · 21/12/2016 20:45

It dosnt have to be a negative thing thinking about him. It is similar to a bereavement in a way, when all you are left with is a longing for the other person and the memories you made with them. It is always somehow worse when you know they are still out there somewhere.
Don't try and forget him or not think about him. Allow yourself time to heal and be glad you had that time with him.
Take up a new hobby that puts you around others, so you are able to meet people.
I know it sounds corny but if you challenge yourself with something new and get out of your comfort zone e.g., learn to ride a horse, or something equally challenging, you will open up other avenues for yourself. Distractions are always good and something good could come out of it for you.

juneau · 21/12/2016 20:48

Having had a situation like this myself at the same age I would say you're doing the right thing by being realistic. I too was in a relationship that became long-distance (he moved back to his home country - which is on the other side of the world), and when it came to crunch time he said he couldn't see any future for us. It was agonising, because I was totally in love with him, and I was devastated. But I think the thing that saved me was accepting that it was over and not clinging on and chasing him and making an arse of myself. And looking back 15 years now I'm glad I walked away with my pride intact. Sometimes love isn't enough. Timing is everything and so is being in the same place and wanting the same things.

To give you a bit of hope I met my DH within 4 months of that devastating break-up. I wasn't at all ready to meet someone else, but he was patient and he was right in a way that my ex wasn't. And actually, looking back now, my ex and I weren't at all right for each other in so many ways - I was madly in love with him - so I was overlooking all the ways in which we weren't compatible. You're only 27. Don't give up hope.

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