To think my MIL is a hideous old bat???

[FloralBarbourCoat]

Have NCd for this. I apologise in advance as it is going to be long winded.

Backstory:

Me and DH have known each other since we were primary school age- lived in the same village, went to school together and he then re located to the USA with his parents aged 13.

He and his parents moved back 5 years ago when they retired and we met up again. We married 2 years ago and have a 14 month old baby girl and im pregnant with number two (just found out and thinking about annoucing on Xmas day)

DFIL died 6 months ago from cancer. MIL took it quite badly and as DH is an only child we uprooted our lives and moved across the country to be with MIL.

The set up is this: MIL inherited a farm house from her parents (there was another family member living in it while they were abroad) and there is a granny flat which she is living in and we live in the main house with DD and pay her rent.

DH has never had a wonderful relationship with MIL- she is a heavy drinker and smoker and very critical of his life style choices. However, DH can also be a spineless twat- which I dont doubt is because his self esteem is so damaged by MIL. They have argued many times over the past years and couple of months- the most recent was a six week period when MIL refused to talk to DH or me at all and would only come into our home to see DD. She wouldnt say a word to us, she would just waltz in coo over DD and take her into the living room/wherever and even if we tried to talk to her we would be met with radio silence or she would make comments to DD like "granny still isnt talking to mummy and daddy today is she?"

The issues

1. We understand we are living in her home but she walks in without even knocking or ringing the bell. She has walked in us on some should we say incovenient times . She will storm up the stairs if we arent downstairs shouting and doesnt think twice about coming into the bedrooms without knocking- so yes she has caught us having sex and has walked in on me a few times getting changed.

1. She will not wash her hands before feeding/holding/playing with DD. She reeks of booze and cigarettes and tries to sneak a fag while our backs are turned while with DD.

1. At the moment DH works from home, I work from home 3 days a week and out 2/3 days a week depending on time of year (like at the moment its Xmas/NY so working 6 days a week until NYD). DHs job is quite intense and he does need to focus so cant always meet DDs needs so we made the decision to hire a nanny for 2 days a week. This caused the most recent argument with MIL who doesnt understand why we dont want our daughter being looked after by a narcissistic, chain smoking borderline alcoholic. We have tried to get her to go to counselling for her drinking and at least swap to an electronic cigarette but "its her choice" apparently.

1. She is very critical of the choices we make for DD. She doesnt like that I didnt want to breastfeed, think it is cruel that she is already in her own room (has been since 6 months- she has slept throug since then and we were finding we would wake her coming to bed so we moved her) and the list goes on- clothes she wears, the pram she has etc etc.

DH is still struggling quite badly since loosing DFIl- he went to counselling, took time of work and was on medication for a while but it has given his confidence a big knock. He isnt very confident dealing with DD because of the way MIL has to criticize- I can ignore it, but DH takes it to heart.

We have tried talking to her until we are blue in the face. Moving back home isnt really an option as I have just started my own business here.

I guess I just wanted a moan

I would change the locks and make sure she doesn't get a key. Technically you should ask permission and give a key to a landlord, however technically she should give you notice as a landlord if she requires access to your property and shouldn't just barge in, so fuck it, I don't think there is anything to lose there.

Worst case scenario; she asks you to move out. You move out and rent somewhere else and she still can't have a key.

Move back to where you came from.....don't wait for her to die thinking you will get the house...her type will leave it to the cats home or something similar..then you will cast out of your home and penniless..stand on your own two feet financially and perhaps she will start to respect you if you both stand up to her....but that's unlikely from what you've said

Move out!!!!

Sympathies, you need your own home, with the keys to the front door you make your own rules about when and often mil can visit.

You are very mean and wrong to call your dp/dh a spineless twat..... not nice at all.

I would move. By the sounds of things I wouldn't imagine there is a tenancy agreement in place? So legally you wouldn't have to give notice?

I wouldn't even bother arguing the toss TBH. You'd probably come across a blank expression and be treated to another delightful serving of the silent treatment?

Do what's best for you and your immediate family.

The environment sounds toxic!

You do realise this will give you a mental breakdown? And the older your dc get they are going to subject to terrible psychological turmoil due to this?

So is the strain and damage to all of your mental health including your dc's worth it?

It sounds as if you are livng there for financial and business reasons and having a big farmhouse for your dc to grow up in sounds idyllic.

The only way forward without moving out is to get a tenancy agreement drawn up, which is unlikely, or changing the locks, which is also unlikely.

It is a no win situation but if it were me I'd rather live in a peaceful haven for my dc and you are not providing that when you could be.

It sounds as if you need to be the backbone if your dh has lost his for all your sakes.

For as long as he is in daily contact with her, her will effectively regress to being the child dominated by a monster parent. He is not being spineless, he is DAMAGED

YY

I know where you are coming from - how do you deal with the situation without it blowing up into World War 3! I'd maybe suggest you try 'training' her a bit.

Get a door chain and keep it on. If she asks why, as someone upthread said, claim that your DD has been opening the door. If she moans any more, say something like: 'oh you don't want to come in and catch us in bed again, do you mum, ha ha! We need a bit of privacy if you want more grandchildren! ha ha!'

Once the chain is on, if she pulls the no-talking shite again, keep the chain on, answer the door and if she refuses to speak to you, close the door saying: 'DD doesn't understand why Nanny isn't speaking to Mummy and Daddy and it's confusing her so can we sit down privately and talk about this? Otherwise, it's not a good idea for you to come in.'

And then every time she goes to pick up your child, swoop in, take the child and say; "Lets ask Nanny to wash her hands first shall we! We don't want to smell of smoke, do we?' - repeat until the message is received.

I understand that you've started a business and put down some 'roots'. But I think you need to really understand that she will not stop. Your only real choice is to move. Preferably to another continent, but at least to another house/flat.

If you put up door bolts, she'll bang and ring and phone until you answer. If you ask her to stop intruding she'll give you 10 rations of shit. Again nothing is going to stop her. She will also be entirely within her rights to demand you take the bolts off.

Understand too that what she has done to your DH, she will attempt to do to his children. Do you want to live 24/7 trying to avoid having your children manipulated and damaged by a narcissistic bitch?

What she is doing is undermining your marriage and she knows it. Each time your DH is put in the middle he secretly blames you, even if just a tiny bit. After all, if you'd just 'go along to get along' like he's learnt to do, things would be fine.

Your business can be re-started elsewhere or you can find other work. If your MiL disturbs your DH's peace too much it's likely to affect his ability to work from home which could affect his job.

Move.

Unless your MIL has changed dramatically since her bereavement - and basically now has a completely different personality and habits - I am completely baffled as to why you have made such a drastic change in your life. lf you knew she drank to excess and smoked heavily, (which you hate and makes you unwilling to let her spend much time with your daughter), then why on earth move into the same house? This is not even to mention the emotional abuse. Even with a separate granny flat, there could have been no prospect of avoiding seeing a lot of her.

Considering the difficulties in your relationship, there was surely no need to uproot yourself - and your business - in order to provide your physical presence. It is so easy to support someone these days with texts, phone, Skype etc (as well as visits) without having to live in the same house or even area. What proximity has done is made your relationship with her immeasurably worse and made it impossible for you to "support" her in her bereavement at all - which was the whole point of the move!

The only thing to do is try to reverse this mistake as soon as possible and move out. I can't see this situation working out amicably even if you are in a different house in the same area. Some relationships only work by maintaining a healthy distance - this is one of them.

I agree with PP, this stuff about starting a business is a pretty poor excuse for you to ruin the next 30 odd years - what are you thinking?

Just move!!!

What is stopping you from finding somewhere else to live, even if it's local.

She's never going to change. So if you are there you are either going to have to put up with it or have massive rows.

I'd move and show her the wrong house when you do, maybe by having a viewing on a property and showing her it, so when you move into a different house she can't find you.

Your daughter deserves better, inhaling smoke off yor MIL and being subjected to her batshit passive aggressive emotional blackmail will cause her long term trauma like it has your husband.

If he doesn't have a spine, you need to grow two to save the pair of you from 30 years of misery.

I've only read OP's posts so I'm probably repeating what has already been said, but get all the keys off her. If you are paying rent then you are tenants and she has no right to enter your home without notice.

Also, move out. As far away as gout business will allow.

What everyone else has said.

MOVE!

Also move out. As far away as gout business will allow.

I have an image of the OP resolutely staggering off on crutches, cursing her port intake.

Dear God what an appalling situation to be in. I feel so sorry for you all and so angry that this monstrous woman is making all your lives a misery and will continue to do so for as long as you stay there, because SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Things will only get worse.

The only way this horrendous situation is going to improve is by putting some distance between you and your vile obnoxious MIL("hideous old bat" is putting it mildly).
I agree with everyone else you need to move out and the further you are away from this harridan the better.Perhaps nearer to your own parents?

Once you have control of your own home you can restrict MIL's access to you and make it very clear she can only visit if she abides by your conditions and shows respect - so no smoking , no criticising, or any other unwanted disagreeable behaviour. Change your phone number and have a separate cheap PAYG phone just for her which is only switched on at certain times.

DH needs some serious counselling/therapy to deal with the issues surrounding his odious batshit mother so he can learn to stand up to her and recognise her behaviour for what it is - abuse. This evil witch has done him untold damage from when he was a little boy and she is still damaging him. He is not "a spineless twat".She has emotionally abused him from childhood and made him like that. She is now doing the same to you and will do the same to your children, if you let her.

For everyone's sakes, you need to be strong here - and before you end up either having a nervous breakdown, or your marriage falls apart, or both.

You really can't carry on living like this. MOVE and get away from this toxic woman now. You can't risk her doing to your children what she has done to your poor DH. Apart from anything else, she is an appalling role model for your children to see on a daily basis.

You can do it Floral. And everyone here will be behind you.

For you.

I am well over sixty and do not need any type of assisted living from my dd. And no grandmother needs to see their grandchildren every day. Your husband should not be the one calling the shots, you should both be able to decide what you are comfortable with and no matter how much he thinks something is ok, if it makes you very uncomfortable, he should put a stop to it.

MOVE

TOMORROW go and buy a bolts or chain, fit to the inside of all your external door(s) and use them at all times. Then next time mil appears explain there are going to be some changes with immediate effect:

No entering the house uninvited
No contact with dd unless she is sober and not reeking of fags
If she can't be civil to you or DH she doesn't get to come into your home and see dd.

and then start looking for somewhere else to live a good car drive away and repeat above rule ad nauseam until she either gives up and leaves you alone or complies.

I got as far as the bit where she comes into your house and ignores you and picks up the baby.

Just move out OP!

It's fine to come on here for a moan. We pretty much all sympathise that she sounds a total PITA.

If you want things to improve at all you have to put in some boundaries and mean it.

Chains on the doors. Sorry, MIL, it makes me nervous having someone walking in unannounced and it's embarrassing for all of us at times.

As above if she's doing the PA stuff with dd about not speaking just ask her to leave because it's not good for dd but is and when she does want to chat over any problems you'd be glad to do so.

If she turns up drunk ask her to leave. Period.

If she smokes near dd ask her to leave. Period.

If she smells of smoke and wants to handle dd pass her some hand gel if washing is out of the question and tell her you've had medical advice from the doctor. Them make her a nice cup of tea.

I can't think you are ever going to be friends but civil might be possible for at least some of the time. Dh does sound damaged, he needs to be onside for all of this and it won't be easy but be consistent and kind and things should improve. It doesn't matter if she bad mouths you to her friends,mim in no doubt whatsoever that they know what she is like.

As others have asked,mis this entirely new since her bereavement or has she always been tricky? I suspect the latter.

For heaven's sake move! As it is, you are living in her house and she will not let you forget it, she'll use it against you when she needs to. At least if you move out, you'll have a front door she can't just open.

You need to put a lot of space between you.

If you don't change your situation then the situation you are in will never change.

So ultimately it's up to you.

You can change the situation by:

• putting locks on the doors and putting boundaries in place with regards to the time MIL spends with you. You need to be really consistent about this

-or moving out- which would be my preferable option.

You are entitled to privacy. If there are connecting doors, bolt them. Bolt/chain the entrances. She does not have the legal right to enter the property you are renting without minimum 24 hours notice. Hard though it is, you and your DH need to sit her down and go through rules, nothing drastic, just privacy for you, no smoking in YOUR home etc. Don't give her lots of rules, just give two or three that you adhere to as though your life depended on it. If she does not play ball, by all means, move out and ensure she has no bloody key!