To think my MIL is a hideous old bat???

[FloralBarbourCoat]

Have NCd for this. I apologise in advance as it is going to be long winded.

Backstory:

Me and DH have known each other since we were primary school age- lived in the same village, went to school together and he then re located to the USA with his parents aged 13.

He and his parents moved back 5 years ago when they retired and we met up again. We married 2 years ago and have a 14 month old baby girl and im pregnant with number two (just found out and thinking about annoucing on Xmas day)

DFIL died 6 months ago from cancer. MIL took it quite badly and as DH is an only child we uprooted our lives and moved across the country to be with MIL.

The set up is this: MIL inherited a farm house from her parents (there was another family member living in it while they were abroad) and there is a granny flat which she is living in and we live in the main house with DD and pay her rent.

DH has never had a wonderful relationship with MIL- she is a heavy drinker and smoker and very critical of his life style choices. However, DH can also be a spineless twat- which I dont doubt is because his self esteem is so damaged by MIL. They have argued many times over the past years and couple of months- the most recent was a six week period when MIL refused to talk to DH or me at all and would only come into our home to see DD. She wouldnt say a word to us, she would just waltz in coo over DD and take her into the living room/wherever and even if we tried to talk to her we would be met with radio silence or she would make comments to DD like "granny still isnt talking to mummy and daddy today is she?"

The issues

1. We understand we are living in her home but she walks in without even knocking or ringing the bell. She has walked in us on some should we say incovenient times . She will storm up the stairs if we arent downstairs shouting and doesnt think twice about coming into the bedrooms without knocking- so yes she has caught us having sex and has walked in on me a few times getting changed.
   

1. She will not wash her hands before feeding/holding/playing with DD. She reeks of booze and cigarettes and tries to sneak a fag while our backs are turned while with DD.
   

1. At the moment DH works from home, I work from home 3 days a week and out 2/3 days a week depending on time of year (like at the moment its Xmas/NY so working 6 days a week until NYD). DHs job is quite intense and he does need to focus so cant always meet DDs needs so we made the decision to hire a nanny for 2 days a week. This caused the most recent argument with MIL who doesnt understand why we dont want our daughter being looked after by a narcissistic, chain smoking borderline alcoholic. We have tried to get her to go to counselling for her drinking and at least swap to an electronic cigarette but "its her choice" apparently.
   

1. She is very critical of the choices we make for DD. She doesnt like that I didnt want to breastfeed, think it is cruel that she is already in her own room (has been since 6 months- she has slept throug since then and we were finding we would wake her coming to bed so we moved her) and the list goes on- clothes she wears, the pram she has etc etc.
   

DH is still struggling quite badly since loosing DFIl- he went to counselling, took time of work and was on medication for a while but it has given his confidence a big knock. He isnt very confident dealing with DD because of the way MIL has to criticize- I can ignore it, but DH takes it to heart.

We have tried talking to her until we are blue in the face. Moving back home isnt really an option as I have just started my own business here.

I guess I just wanted a moan

[BarbarianMum]

If you live somewhere else you will have far more control. Although clearly you are going to have a serious, serious discussion with your dh about boundaries. Of course it would be good to build a relationship with her grandchildren - but on your terms.

Either he gets on side quickly or you had better move to be close to your parents, or 400 miles in the opposite direct.

[Daisyfrumps]

Hmm... Did DH's counselling include exploring his relationship with his mother? Healthy boundaries, co-dependency, understanding addict behaviour etc? If not he needs to make this a priority as you can't go on like this. It'll drive a wedge between you and he may have to choose.

[DistanceCall]

Move out. Move away, if possible. This woman is not good for your child, your husband, or you. Not remotely.

[Daisyfrumps]

Or if he can get along to an Al-anon meeting this would be a good start (for families of alcoholics)

[Astro55]

Change the locks -
Look to move out -
You can't live like this - it's not good to be concerned about people barging into your home and making demands or criticizing your every move -

[EweAreHere]

Wow.

Change your locks.

Tell her she can't enter the house unless she's invited.

And lay out the rules for being a guest in your home and handling your daughter.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Tell her it will not be tolerated, as she's setting a poor example for your DD. Tell her she will be asked to leave every time she pulls that stunt.

Every. Time.

You need to re-set the terms of your relationship with her, and DH is going to have to pull himself together to support you in this. Because you cannot live like this.

If he won't, then you really do need to consider moving away again to save your sanity and your marriage.

[Boolovessulley]

Lock your door and at the very least make her wait to come in.
My mother just walks straight in ( if I forget to lock the door) and it's rude.

Then move out.
Don't open the door to her.

She sounds vile.

[Finola1step]

In your shoes, I would be searching for properties to rent on Rightmove today. I can understand you might need to stay in the area because if your new business. But renting your own place means your MIL has no right to come in. No spare keys given. Doors locked etc. It will give you much needed space to work out the longer term plan.

If not, this could be your life for the next 30 years. Except it won't because I would have thought you marriage will break long before.

[Daisyfrumps]

I would insist on DH having counselling to address the issues I posted above, or I would leave him. This must be causing your respect for him to be ebbing away every day.

[Baylisiana]

She is only 58, a very young grandmother by today's standards, I was imagining much older from your OP. She really has to try and rebuild her own life, it seems you were hasty in moving there. You are going to have to move out.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Buy DH a copy of this
www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

He probably doesn't have the tools to deal with his mother because he is so conditioned to respond in a particular way.

[Libbylove2015]

Horrendous, I really feel for you.

What the others said - but the door situation is crazy.

I would have those chain thingys fitted that you put across from the inside, and tell her that your daughter has been opening doors herself or got out somehow. Then if she tries to barge in, she won't get very far!

Hopefully the old goat will pop her clogs before too long!

[Bogeyface]

You dont have to change the locks, I daresay she will go batshit if you do that, but you can add bolts to keep on whenever you are in.

And keep the on until you move......you HAVE to move.

[DameXanaduBramble]

If things have been this way with her since you got together then why on earth did you move to be nearer?

[Inertia]

You need to move out.

Both you and your husband are being spineless here, and you're exposing your daughter to both the physical harm caused by MIL smoking around your daughter, the risk of physical danger caused by her drinking heavily around your daughter, and the emotional harm caused by her vindictive behaviour.

You don't have to let her in. You are tenants, and you should have the legal protection afforded to tenants. Probably simpler to move elsewhere than to fight that battle.

At the moment, your husband is giving in to his mother because it's much easier for him to put your child at risk than to face up to his mother. You are giving in to him, because you daren't risk upsetting the dynamic. If you both carry on like this, nothing will change. I'm sorry, it sounds harsh, but wringing you hands won't change anything. Ultimately, if your husband won't accept that he needs to set and stick to boundaries, then you need to think about whether staying there is the right thing for you and your children.

[Softkitty2]

Get your own place as you are paying rent anyway and let her contemplate that she's driven you all away and she can live on her own.

[ChasedByBees]

Oh that sounds terrible. As an absolute minimum change the locks but I imagine even that will cause a row.

You should not allow anyone in your house when they're not speaking to you. She's being outrageous.

She is also putting your DD's health at risk by smoking heavily around her, you need to set serious boundaries. Moving out would be best.

[showmetheminstrels]

Noooo. Run away. Fast.
If your DH can work from home then move back near your parents. Start your business again.

[DameXanaduBramble]

Do you feel stuck because you're paying a reduced rent? She can't be charging her family full whack.

[ChickenPoop]

Why on earth did you agree to the move?!

As has already been said you really don't have an option other than to move. You could change all the locks - I'm surprised you haven't already, but no doubt she'd be banging on your door at all hours. So yes, move.

Your husband is clearly enmeshed in a hideous guilt dynamic with his mother so you will probably have to initiate this. Personally I'd be going, with or without the husband.

Your daughter shouldn't be subjected to this dysfunction.

[ohfourfoxache]

Like so many others on here with IL problems, you also have a dh problem

[imjessie]

I would move . I'd hate to be in someone else's debt like that . Or change the locks and loch every door always !

[Jinxxx]

What sort of locks do you have? Ours you can lock from the inside and leave the key in the lock so nobody can open it from the outside - easier than putting a chain on, but that's an option too. Then if MIL comes knocking, you can either ignore it or say firmly that you're working/it's not a convenient time for visitors/just about to eat or whatever and suggest she rings or texts to check next time so save her legs. But I can't imagine why you would let her in to ignore you anyway. I'd have to ask are we speaking again then and if her answer was no, then mine would be then why are you here?

[GrumpyDullard]

I guess, as the LL, she needs to have her own key so you can't lock her out, but you must be able to put bolts on (as a PP suggested) to stop her getting in when you're in the house, without your permission. That would be a good start. Of course you have rights as tenants but that's no use to you as I assume your DH wouldn't be prepared to take legal action against his DM. You can't do anything if your DH is not on side, so you need to make sure he understands how thoroughly miserable this is making you. I certainly couldn't live like this, it sounds awful.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"we uprooted our lives and moved across the country to be with MIL."
And therein lies the problem.

You need to move. As soon as you can. And not to the local area, but either back to where you came from or somewhere new entirely. While you are living there, she will continue to dominate your husband and destroy what little confidence/self-esteem he has.

"DH can also be a spineless twat- which I dont doubt is because his self esteem is so damaged by MIL." You need to change your mind-set on that. He is not being spineless - he has been trained from childhood - groomed, actually - to put her wants before his needs. It is very very hard for him to counter those decades of grooming. That is why you need to move - he needs to be out of her sphere of influence. For as long as he is in daily contact with her, her will effectively regress to being the child dominated by a monster parent. He is not being spineless, he is DAMAGED. Please don't look down on him for his helplessness when faced with her demands, he genuinely cannot stand up to her. You need to be the strong one here, and insist on moving.

And put some fucking locks on the doors! Big steel fuck-off bolts that you use when you're in so that she cannot enter at will.

But mainly - just MOVE as far away from her as you can.