AIBU to stop ds going to a sleepover because I know SS are involved with the family?

[DeadZed]

This is really a WWYD post. Because the parent is a good friend of mine with some mental health problems. SS have recently become involved because the dc reported some things that were said at home to their teachers.
My friend is lovely, trying really hard to raise dc on her own despite her serious mental health problems. She is receiving treatment btw. Our dc are 9 and have been wanting a sleepover for ages. I have reluctantly agreed but know I am considering calling it off because I just feel uneasy about it.
However if I call it off I will need to say why to my friend and I think it may spoil our friendship (selfish I know) but I don't want to hurt her either.

WWYD?

"If I didn't know this was going on would I still have agreed?"

I have been putting off the sleepover for months and months now. Long before SS involvement as I can see for myself that my friend is struggling. So, no, the SS involvement is not the only factor I am going on. However as other posters have said SS involvement is only warranted in more serious cases as far as I am aware.

spikey I think most people are capable of telling the difference between someone who needs support with a disabled child and welfare concerns.

As a few of us with actual experience of how SS works have said; SS is not a hand holding service for people who want help, it's a service that only deals with situations where there are serious concerns about children's welfare.

There is a bit of a Mumsnet myth that SS are a tea and sympathy service for adults and if you're feeling a bit down and can't keep up with the housework SS will send someone around to hold your hand and sympathise and do a few jobs for you. I constantly see posts on here from people with no experience of SS advising people call them for the most trivial reasons.

In reality they are a service for adults, not children which is dealing with the serious end of stuff and although they do try and keep children out of care (because it's expensive) they are there to monitor and potentially remove. And no matter how well intentioned they are it's not a pleasant experience being involved with them.

Outside of poor home life they might deal with things like teenage sexual exploitation or severe mental health problems - but still things that pose a risk.

Also, there is absolutely no reason to think that she is welcoming social services. After a school referral she will have no choice.

How do you know that Reboot? I'm massively dubious. Have you not followed the news about local council cuts? If your local SS can afford to do that they must be in such a unique situation it's almost unheard of. And somebody wouldn't be doing their job offering that extra capacity and funding to elderly social care which is in a right state.

In my area SS are open to anyone

Really? How does that work?
In this age of austerity I can't imagine there are any councils with such an abundance of funds that anyone can be allocated a social worker if they request one.
I've worked with vulnerable children and families in four different counties and, in every area I've worked in, my colleagues have had to fight tooth and nail to get SS to pick up families for ongoing support. I was talking to a SW just the other day who was saying he's managing children under Child in Need plans (which is a step down from Child Protection) who would have been taken into care at one time because the thresholds are now so high.

In my area SS are open to anyone not just those in immediate danger or those with serious concerns. They offer help to those struggling and need a little extra support.

I really think you might be mistaken there Reboot

Are you sure you're not thinking of Sure Start or something?

Could you frame it to your friend that you'd like to host and give her a much needed break. Sell it to her that you have a second adult to help and you know sleep overs are hard and not much sleep happens!

I would frame it that kids get overtired this time of year, and you want to do some fun things together but no sleepovers.

Can you not be (semi) honest & say you don't like sleepovers? I don't like them so my DC don't go - no reflection on their friends or their friends parents, but I'm not a fan & whilst they're young (all under 10), it's my decision.

I would frame it that kids get overtired this time of year, and you want to do some fun things together but no sleepovers

Or a mixture of the 2....? I am avoiding sleepovers for as long as humanly possible and dd's friends parents seem in no hurry either thankfully.

I've called it off for tonight and I've offered a lunchtime play date thing instead. I don't think she is too happy with it because her dc is upset but I feel better for not sending my dc. I don't know what to say to her if she asks again. I might just have to be honest and say I'm not comfortable with overnight stays at the moment.

I'm in a similar situation so I have no advice but just tagging along really. A family we are very friendly with have SS involvement. They have had lots of issues as a family (bereavement, excess alcohol) but honestly not quite enough to warrant this level of intervention. If SS were interested in families where someone drinks too much but is basically functioning ok they'd be in virtually every home in the land.

So I don't fundamentally know what the SS involvement is for. And I've sort of put a hold on sleepovers for that reason. My friend is fab and very supportive but I know there must be more than I know for this to have happened.

I don't know really what to do to resolve this so for now I'm just making excuses.

Are you sure it's SS and not community outreach services?

I have a MH condition related to PTSD and asked for community outreach as a preventative measure. When I feel a bad period coming on, I ask them to step up the support. I'm also in therapy. My parenting isn't affected, as the outreach staff, children's centre staff, various other professionals commented on- in fact it's the main thing that keeps me grounded and secure, I have to do the best for my daughter. Before her I was a wreck, now I look after my family.

I would feel really hurt that someone thought I couldn't parent effectively because I asked for help. Not that someone questioned- I don't mind that- but the assumption that because I have a MH condition, which is managed, I wasn't safe around children. It has happened before and it stings.

Rixera - I do get what you are saying and I don't want to hurt my friend but school have involved SS over concerns about things that my friend was saying to her children. She is a great mum to her kids and tries really hard. They are always clean, on time, take part in lots of activities. I was at the meeting with SS. I know my friend can be a great parent but I also know her mental health can drastically alter the way she parents and this does affect the dc.

I also think sleepovers are really over rated but they seem to be the thing here from starting school.

In that case, could you not discuss it with your friend? She knows you know, you were at the meeting.
Just dodging her might be more awkward, especially as her DC might feel slighted, left out, angry at mum for eg.

Honestly OP I think the idea of offering to host for now is the best idea as it seems that she is comfortable with you (enough to bring you to SS meetings) so should likely be able to accept help in that form. As someone who struggles with their child I know I appreciate it when another parent is able to take them for a while (just playdates at the moment because she's young but I also relish the sleepovers at FILs because I need that break - quite likely she needs one too but doesn't want to ask)