AIBU to stop ds going to a sleepover because I know SS are involved with the family?

[DeadZed]

This is really a WWYD post. Because the parent is a good friend of mine with some mental health problems. SS have recently become involved because the dc reported some things that were said at home to their teachers.
My friend is lovely, trying really hard to raise dc on her own despite her serious mental health problems. She is receiving treatment btw. Our dc are 9 and have been wanting a sleepover for ages. I have reluctantly agreed but know I am considering calling it off because I just feel uneasy about it.
However if I call it off I will need to say why to my friend and I think it may spoil our friendship (selfish I know) but I don't want to hurt her either.

WWYD?

We had SS involvement because I'm shit at housework.

You really didn't.

"We had SS involvement because I'm shit at housework."

No you didn't.

OP, I would offer to host this one at a suitable time and just see what happens in the future.

Who knows, what with Christmas and all the stress of shopping etc, your friend might be quite relieved.

As a manic depressive and somewhat isolated on account of it, I would observe that if you withdraw your children., you will contribute to her isolation and her mental health problems.

Whilst it is not your responsibility to be another persons carer it is easy to do untold harm.

I think I'll offer to have the sleepover here. I need to be clear in my mind for future though as I know she will want to return the favour.

We had SS involvement because I'm shit at housework. That has no bearing on how I look after my or other people's DC

SS don't come round if someone doesn't Hoover often enough; they come round if the house is in a state that potentially puts the health/welfare of children at risk.

So yes, I think it does potentially have an impact on the way children are looked after. There was a girl in my group of friends whose house was in such a state that none of us were allowed to eat or sleep there. Her parents were nice people and kind and loving towards their kids, but also completely in denial about the impact the state of their home was having on their children's health (physical and mental).

and thanks to yorksha

"We had SS involvement because I'm shit at housework."

If it were that bad that SS were involved then your house must have been a health hazard. Not providing a safe environment for your children to grow up is not looking after them properly, frankly.

yorkshapudding Really interesting reading your post, thanks for commenting.

Op i would make my excuses and host it in the future instead.

Just to be clear, I am not withdrawing my children or any contact we have with the family. I do still feel that hosting an extra child overnight is a big responsibility for anyone.
We are planning on spending lots of time together over the Christmas break. I am not trying to hurt my friend but I also need to keep my child safe.

I mean no harm to anyone when I say this but anyone who either attempts or threatens suicide in the presence of children is very much a threat to them. Maybe not physically but very much emotionally and mentally. I am the living product of a parent like that and a sleepover in a home with a mentally ill parent would be a big no no for me. It is never anyone else's responsibility to compromise their own or their child's safety (in whichever sense that is) to salve the desire of someone with mental health problems. Ofcourse you can support your friend and help her but your priority must always be the safety of your child. Yanbu to say no if you do not feel comfortable allowing a sleepover. Maybe offering to host would give your friend a welcome break and still allow the kids to have fun where you can be sure they're safe.

I think you are wise to have the sleepover at yours, your friend is not coping she is trying to project normality by having a sleepover just say you will have Dds friend to stay and once she is able or words similar she can have your dd. Dont add your child to the chaos

Based on what you have said here, I wouldn't let her. Agree that you should host.

Yes I would host. Usually in my area when family support is being offered, SS involvement is closed. I would be wary that the case has only opened in the last month.

To save her feeling you could make an excuse like...someone has given us [X] thing that would be great for a sleepover why dont we have it here...and invite her over for a cuppa and some nibbles or whatever too.

Can you not be (semi) honest & say you don't like sleepovers? I don't like them so my DC don't go - no reflection on their friends or their friends parents, but I'm not a fan & whilst they're young (all under 10), it's my decision.

if you withdraw your children., you will contribute to her isolation and her mental health problems

This is an important point. Children whose home circumstances are difficult or chaotic, for whatever reason, need socialisation and a support network even more than your average child. However, it doesn't sound like OP is talking about "withdrawing" her children, just setting some boundaries in terms of what she does and does not feel comfortable with.

OP, I think that offering to host to give your friend a break is a really sensible and supportive idea.

People can have ongoing involvement from ss purely because they have a severely disabled child and the child is deemed a child in need because of this.
In your case op, only you can make the call on what you are comfortable with.

But that isn't the case here Spikey. It's welfare concerns.

i agree with what you've done, host it, and don't add to the chaos. Tell your friend that she can host when she's in a better place. I've got family in these sorts of situations and I agree that she's trying to project normality but she's not there. I don't see the need for sleepovers, surely everyone just gets tired and grumpy the next day!

I would say the fact she has welcomed SS involvement is all credit to her and her need to care properly for her children, If you didn't know this was going on, would you let your child go to sleepover? If the answer is yes then just let her/him stay. I would like to think I brought my children up to understand that all families are different and that not everyone will have a safe and happy homelife but that doesn't make then non-friend material. Your child will be fine I would say.

That's true Bill but there are posts perpetuating the myth that only those with a 'poor' home life will have long term ss involvement when there are other reasons. Some people are put off asking for assistance because of the worry of others judging.

if you withdraw your children., you will contribute to her isolation and her mental health problems

Children aren't "things" to be bargained over and "given" or "withdrawn" from adults for any reason. You put their welfare first, period (it's called good parenting). The OP can choose to support her friend. The OP can choose to support her friend's DD. The OP's DD can choose to support the friend's DD.

The OP cannot choose to offer up her own daughter to make the friend feel better.

And if anything negative happened, I'm sure social services would be asking why the OP had put her DD in a situation against her better judgment.

I don't think you should have agreed to it, OP. I also think she will be fine with someone else's children. I would offer at most, to help her by staying till they are asleep.

I think SS involvement must be different from area to area.

In my area SS are open to anyone not just those in immediate danger or those with serious concerns. They offer help to those struggling and need a little extra support.