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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave now and drive 4 hours to get to my child?

69 replies

SocksRock · 21/12/2016 00:39

She's 9 and staying with my Mum for a couple of days. We were all up there until Monday morning when DH and I and the other two children came home. The plan was she was going to drop DD about an hour south of where she lives with a friend of mine who is coming near us and would drop DD back home. When we arrived at Mums on Friday she had a cough. Was generally OK but I did say should I take DD back with us. DM insisted she was fine and wanted to have DD so I left her there. I've just had a text saying she's much worse and isn't able to leave the house. On the phone she sounds awful like she can hardly breathe. I want to leave now and drive to get DD and some medical help for DM, DH wants me to wait and leave around 5am so I've had some sleep and the roads will still be clear. I do have two sisters locally (usually) but one is in Dubai on holiday and the other is on a training course and staying away in a hotel (and isn't responding to WhatsApp anyway). I don't know where she is. I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

greenfolder · 21/12/2016 07:01

My grandmother was the same. Just had a cough. Until I took her to a and e on Boxing Day because I was so worried. She had double pneumonia and was kept in for 10 days. So go with your instincts. The need to breathe is a pretty basic necessity.

myfriendnoel · 21/12/2016 07:01

You are doing the right thing.both my parents are I bed wth flu, sound awful and have no one to look after them.They have said not to come. I'm going anyway.

Lorelei76 · 21/12/2016 07:02

Your poor mum. She might have a very bad chest infection and possibly her lungs are behaving like those of an asthmatic? I have asthma, you can get shockingly ill fast, she must see the doc if wheezing even if not asthmatic. So not OTT at all to insist she goes to doc. Hope your DD hasn't caught it.

Original poster

SocksRock · 21/12/2016 07:12

Just realised I've now reached the stage of life where my parents are worrying me more then I'm worrying them. DDad spent a month in hospital in October after a urine infection went bad. I wish they weren't so far away. DDad is closer than Mum but still several hours drive.

OP posts:

Footinmouthasusual · 21/12/2016 07:16

Feel your pain op.

There gets to a point in life where everyone needs looking after so you will have teenagers and elderly parents all needing help. Also throw grandchildren in the mix.

Hope your mum is ok?

blueskyinmarch · 21/12/2016 07:27

One of my close friends had a cold and cough which turned nasty and she ended up with pneumonia. She has been off work and unable to go out for 5 weeks now. Best drive down and see if your DM needs medical attention then bring your DD home. If your DM is on her own and needs help you might need to stay down with her or bring her to yours. Is that feasible?

Original poster

SocksRock · 21/12/2016 07:31

Yes I can bring here. Already broached with DH who grumbled but said he'd make up the spare bed (they aren't the best of friends but he wouldn't leave her alone if she was ill)

OP posts:

Liiinoo · 21/12/2016 07:32

On the face of it I am a little concerned that you might all be overreacting. Your mum is not so old that a bad cold might put her in hospital nor so old that she can't make rational decisions on her own. When I am your mum's age (sadly only a few years away) I think I would feel patronised if my DDs tried to drag me to the GP against my own better judgement.

However, of course I don't know your DM or her medical history or how your family dynamic works so if you really really think it is the right thing to do (and you all seem to think it is) I guess you have to do it. I hope it all ends well and doesn't spoil your Christmas.

Squiff85 · 21/12/2016 07:34

If it were me, I would go now. TBH actually my husband would. He would go straight there, check both/sleep then drive DD home.

user1477282676 · 21/12/2016 07:36

I think go. She might have pneumonia...I was like that when I had it.

I hope she's ok and on the mend soon.

Sirzy · 21/12/2016 07:37

liinoo I am half the age of Ops Mum, very fit and healthy but last year only just avoided being hospitalised with a "bad cold" that turned out to be pneumonia and plurisy. In fact the only reason I went for medical assistance was to shut my mum up from pestering me.

I don't think age is that relevant but the symptoms she are describing suggest getting checked over is probably wise

SabineUndine · 21/12/2016 07:44

liiino you don't know what you're talking about. I had a colleague in her 50s end up in hospital for a fortnight with pleurisy a couple of years ago. She'd never had lung problems before and it came on so fast her DH had to call an ambulance.

OP I hope your mum is better soon.

coughsandsneezes · 21/12/2016 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/12/2016 07:49

I wasn't d his diagnosed with asthma until last year and as a pp said. You can get shockingly ill very very fast. The amount of times I've been hospitalised this year is testament to that. There's always been a couple of patients on the respiratory ward who have been poorly enough to need help with no prior asthma etc.

OP my Dad is exactly like your Mum. You have to force him to go to the GPs too. Hope your DM is feeling better soon OP

llangennith · 21/12/2016 08:00

I developed asthma when I was 61 so your mum may well have it. Glad you and your sister are making her go to the doctor. Take care

Original poster

SocksRock · 21/12/2016 08:05

My DDad had a urine infection in October. He ended up in critical care for 16 days and now has a colostomy bag. I may be overreacting but things can get serious quickly. She can be cross with me when she's better!

OP posts:

middlings · 21/12/2016 08:20

She can be cross with me when she's better!

Exactly.

Have a safe drive OP, it's windy out there today.

PollyPerky · 21/12/2016 08:20

I think you did overreact bit :)

I'm in my 60s though a few years younger than your mum. she's not an old woman!

I think your mum needs a bit of a ticking off when she's recovered. being responsible for a grandchild and not seeking medical help when you are ill is irresponsible. It was also selfish of her to want to keep your child there when she was ill. - passing on her illness etc???

I'm glad you didn't drive up overnight- that's madness- and asking for trouble. But your other option would have been to call 999 and ask paramedics to call on your mum on the basis of an older person alone with a child and unable to breathe, or her GP and ask for a home visit today. All much safer than you legging it in the middle of the night.

FurryLittleTwerp · 21/12/2016 08:26

Perhaps she played down the cough when you arrived so as not to make a fuss or miss out on having DD

My mum has form for this - insisting on visiting / being visited when she really isn't well enough, to avoid missing out on GC time the children then catch it as well

I'm glad you are sorting her out!

lovelearning · 21/12/2016 08:31

she can hardly breathe

Call 999.

BakeOffBiscuits · 21/12/2016 08:40

I'd be so angry if my mum did this. As others have said she needs a bit of a telling off when she's better. She's got your dd, she's a 4 hours drive away and she's telling you she can't go out, is breathless on the phone but refuses to ask for medical advice/help.
I hope your dd is ok because if she knew this was going on she might have been quite scared.

Original poster

SocksRock · 21/12/2016 08:45

She's got a GP appointment at 11.40. BIL is going over to make sure she can get there and to look after DD if necessary. I'm leaving work at 10, will be there by 2 and can then either bring just DD home or bring both of them home.

I don't think my Mum is an old woman. I think she's a stubborn lady who won't bother the GP even when she really needs to. For context, she only retired from a full time position as chief exec of a large social enterprise company in July and is now a full time PhD student. In no way is she not capable, but she's there with my DD on her own and all I have to go on is her texts and phone calls. If the GP says she's fine then at least that's sorted. If she's not fine, then she's in the right place. DD is not old enough to deal with this on her own so getting BIL involved was the only option I had, given that driving in the middle of the night would have been ridiculous which I can see now.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 21/12/2016 08:54

I would make sure she sees a Doctor today. I'm a lot younger than your mum but a few years ago I got a nasty cough, and it was leaving me very breathless, couldn't say a sentence without stopping, no energy / like it sounds your mum was in the phone. Was pneumonia and I was in hospital for a few days. Took several weeks and four rounds of antibiotics to get me well.

So please don't hesitate to get her to a Gp as the sooner she starts antibiotics (if it is a chest infection etc) the better.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/12/2016 09:17

OP I find I have to get quite bossy with my Dad when he is poorly. My Mum is always at the GPs for one thing or another when in reality she can hold off a day or so and give her body chance to fight it but they throw antibiotics at her like they're smarties.

I always know when my Dad is really poorly as he rings me before 9am which is unheard of for him! (he works nights). The last time he rang me at 8am in the morning he had a really bad chest infection and needed abs and steroids at an out of hours docs. He only rang 111 because I got a bit cross at him. but he doesn't look after himself so I know how you feel OP. No you're not overeacting. If the GP says she's fine later then she's proved her point. If not, and she had got an infection then you've proved yours. Either way it's sensible to get help now before it turns into an emergency over Christmas .

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/12/2016 09:21

OP I'm 30 now and I got a massive bollocking off my Practice Nurse this year when i soldiered on with 'just a cold' turned out to be worse and landed me in Resus . If I can take a bollocking your Mum can too when she's better obviously!

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