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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate that my mum writes a paragraph about me, gives personal details and sends to hundreds of people that she hasn't seen in years

92 replies

jdoe8 · 20/12/2016 13:27

She's told them all about a medical issue I had earlier in the year (that I haven't told many of my friends about) and she's said the company and job that I started this year and the name of the place I've moved to.

I'm really very private. AIBU to not like this at all? She never sends the text for me to approve.

I've only found out this year what she sent as I had a family member send me a card and comment on it.

I've repeatedly asked her to not be so personal but she never listens, one year she gave away a client name that I was on a secret project with and it could of lost me my job. She goes on about "it's a private letter to her friends" and imply s it's not my business. But I dont see it as a private letter as its something she prints the same to hundreds of people, many of whom the only contact each year is a card.

OP posts:

BlueKarou · 20/12/2016 14:01

YANBU. My Mum writes these. Last year she told all of her far distant relatives that I had IVF because it was 'easier' than just telling them I was pregnant as they'd all then ask her why I didn't have a boyfriend/husband. I was furious, but she'd already printed a billion of these letters and was halfway through enveloping and stamping, so couldn't be expected to change the letter just because of that one thing.

I've learnt to stop fighting it. My mother is not going to change her ways, and I likely won't see these people, and I can't imagine they're going to tell anyone else about the contents of this Xmas letter. I'm annoyed and a little hurt by the thoughtless spilling of my personal life, but it's got to the point where it's more hassle to fight her when I know the outcome will always be the same.

It's for that exact reason I didn't tell anyone the sex of said baby until Christmas Day last year - then she couldn't blab until I was ready to tell the whole damn world.

FinallyHere · 20/12/2016 14:01

How about using next year to see just what stories you can feed her and have them end up in the round robin?

OK, perhaps it would be more mature to not tell her any details that she would like to pass on.

SapphireStrange · 20/12/2016 14:02

tell her wildly fabricated stories that will make her look daft.

I like that idea.

LemonBreeland · 20/12/2016 14:02

YANBU, but you can stop this by telling her less.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2016 14:04

Sapphire but presumably your close family had not signed a confidentiality agreement and were so free to tell who they liked - and no legal redress could be taken against you or them if they did.

If OP' s employer is ok about her mum having this information then how can they discipline the OP if she spreads it?

MsMarple · 20/12/2016 14:05

My inlaws do this round-robin stuff, so now we write our own entry and email it to them in advance with the news we don't mind sharing, and leaving out all the medical appointments and private stuff. They know not to put anything extra in!

FiveShelties · 20/12/2016 14:05

YANBU - I would hate anyone writing stuff about me.

But, does anyone actually read these 'Aren't we wonderful' essays which are sent at this time of year? We used to get loads but only two so far this year and they have gone in the recycling bin.

Taylia · 20/12/2016 14:09

My mum told all her friends something about me that I'd specifically asked her to keep to herself.

So now she knows only the things I wouldn't mind every other person in her life knowing as well.

QueenLizIII · 20/12/2016 14:09

PS For anyone not able to get their heads round the idea of it being OK to mention confidential work things to close family, I recently left a job having agreed a settlement. I am/was allowed to talk about the details to 'immediate family', but not others. If that helps anyone grasp this concept better

But if those relatives then talk and others are told then you're fucked.

if you have a motor mouth of a mother which OP does, it isnt worth it.

it isnt a good idea to talk of settlement agreements on a public forum either. we dont know your name but MN do if youve used an email address with your real name on it.

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/12/2016 14:09

Be very selective with what you tell her in future...

Yes, fabricated stories sounds like a fabulous plan! :)

EverySongbirdSays · 20/12/2016 14:13

I am always envious of people who get these Janet and Roy things - not a one! The only one I've even SEEN belonged to a guy from uni who became a vicar and I found the section on his wifes activities CRINGE TO THE MAX, that was years ago and I've never seen one since.

But YANBU - I'd die if my mother was this type. It seems like very Hyancith Bucket behaviour.

My sisters (not me black sheep) have given my mum a fair bit to boast about and she doesn't see the need.

Empty vessels and noise perhaps?

PoochSmooch · 20/12/2016 14:16

I feel your pain, OP. As I chatted my way round my parent's friends at a recent family event, I became painfully aware that many, if not most of them, were aware of a recent, extremely fucking private spell of ill health I have suffered, and the surgeries I've had. My mother apparently regales all and sundry with details of my intimate health issues. I don't know any of these people, except in a vague, friends-of-parents, "Oh, you know, Penny and Victor, we lived next to them when you were 4, you know Penny and Victor!" way.

As a result, I will no longer be sharing any details of my personal life with her. She can't be trusted to keep things to herself. It's too bad, but I was so humiliated.

Jiggl · 20/12/2016 14:17

Ok... fabricated stories then...

You are seconded to MI5 for some super secret project.
You've become George Clooney's UK PA.
George Clooney is your company's newest client.
You've been appointed to the UN /Invited to be an ambassador to fill the gap since Geri Hallliwell stepped down.

Jiggl · 20/12/2016 14:18

We don't do round robins here in Ireland at all. That would be a weapon in the hands of the average Irish memmeh.

SapphireStrange · 20/12/2016 14:19

Barbarian, I'm not sure I'm following.

I was just making the point that with some 'confidential' work issues you're explicitly allowed to tell close family, in response to posters who said they didn't understand that it might be OK to tell family about them.

Queen, I agree, and I have said, that in the OP's case she should think about not trusting her DM to keep quiet about things. In general, though, the point stands that often it's deemed acceptable to mention confidential matters to close family.

And re your thoughts on my settlement agreement, I'm fine with having mentioned it here.

Maddaddam · 20/12/2016 14:20

My parents do this. Or at least they used to, mostly what they said about us in the Christmas round robin was about our lack of religions faith (so all their friends could pray for us). Sort of annoying. We complained, so now we don't get to see the letters. I dread to think what they say these days.

It does feel very intrusive to be an item in someone else's newsletter, against your will. I don't tell my parents much at all but that doesn't stop them saying whatever they feel like.

BalloonSlayer · 20/12/2016 14:20

My sister sends a round robin every year as she lives abroad. I know most of the news but look forward to it anyway as she is a good writer and doesn't brag.

There have been some corkers over the years. When our Dad died I didn't like reading "I lost my Dad blah blah" and was a cross between and when she said "they didn't want me to go back for the funeral but I couldn't stay away." No one tried to stop her coming back - we just said everyone would understand if she didn't come back since she had only just got back home from visiting Dad when he died. We were trying to be NICE ! Not impressed at all at the way that made the rest of us look and I had to restrain myself from ringing her up and telling her so.

A year or so later she had been to stay with me due rather than our other sister because they had had a row and fallen out. There was a comment about a "lovely stay with no arguments" which although it was a compliment to me it must have been a sting to my other sister.

So in summary, I think sometimes the people who do these sort of letters forget who they are sending them too !

(A couple of years ago her dog had died and she started the letter with that, all about how the dog had collapsed, the diarrhoea it had had, and how utterly miserable they all were. Oh and happy Christmas everyone!)

gillybeanz · 20/12/2016 14:21

If you aren't likely to see the people nor is your dm it sounds quite harmless tbh.
The recipients might not be bothered tbh, it sounds like your dm is the only one.
As for work you need some training in data protection and confidentiality, maybe ask your supervisor or line manager if you are struggling to understand.

3luckystars · 20/12/2016 14:22

Make something big up for next year. Let her put it on the cards!

Come on let's think of something. You just bought a new Ferrari and it has prescription windows so you don't need to wear your glasses driving anymore.
You just won a pile of money for coming second in the international breakdancing championships.
George Michael has moved into the flat upstairs.

Just go for it.

Scribblegirl · 20/12/2016 14:25

Barbarian, it's about common sense. DP works for a well known entertainment company and has the heads up about some pretty interesting stuff before it breaks. No NDA signed, but the sort of thing that you might share in the family on the basis it goes no further.

If my mum shared that sort of thing with 200 friends and it somehow got back to his boss, he could be fired, but I'd be most angry with mum for not understanding the difference between something being a matter of national security and welcome to be shared with all and sundry.

Oh, and OP YANBU. We have distant family in the US, they're very weird religious and conservative. They have an adopted daughter who started playing up, standard teen stuff from what the letters indicated. The next year's letter said she'd been sent to a boot camp for children with 'problems' and that she hadn't been good enough to earn the right to come home for Christmas. It was bloody odd info to share and I can't imagine how horrid it would be for the girl if she knew this was all being shared with the extended family (though probably not as horrid as being sent to a boot camp by your parents when working through some pretty standard teenage/adopted child angst).

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2016 14:26

Tell your mum nothing, downplay any health things if you don't have her visiting. I'd go ballistic at this and learnt years ago to not my mum anything, because she will literally pick up the phone as soon as I put it down and will tell the whole village, no kidding, even if I swore her to secrecy.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 20/12/2016 14:27

Agree. Make up a 007 story

Alligatorpie · 20/12/2016 14:28

My dh's aunt does this, it is awful. One year she wrote about her dd' s boyfriend leaving her and she was heartbroken. But after the dd found out she was pregnant they got back together. 😲 Awful awful letter. I would have killed my mum!

thisusernameisnotavailable · 20/12/2016 14:29

I had the same with my mum years ago. She told all her friends and our relatives everything about my divorce, even the settlement we reached down to the last penny.

I only found this out by cleansing her computer at her request. I never challenged her about it but I no longer tell her everything.

She can't tell others things she doesn't know but then all these years on she has Alzheimer's now and looking back at other things she did maybe she had the beginnings of it then and lacked the ability to know where boundaries should stop.

I love my mum and miss the person she used to be

sarahnova69 · 20/12/2016 14:34

Last year she told all of her far distant relatives that I had IVF because it was 'easier' than just telling them I was pregnant as they'd all then ask her why I didn't have a boyfriend/husband.

It's definitely a rude and personal question, but to be fair it's going to be the one on the mind of everyone who gets the letter if they know you don't have a partner of some kind. (Perhaps she could have described it as a Christmas miracle and left them to infer that you too were visited by an angel? ) I can't really imagine any version of that letter which isn't going to include some kind of explanation of how you decided to become a mother independently (or whatever your particular circumstances were) if it mentions your pregnancy at all. But out of curiosity, would you have preferred she didn't mention your pregnancy, or mentioned it but not said anything further about how it came about? And, maybe I am U, but I think it's not surprising that people want to know the difference between "has a new partner and is pregnant", "had a one night stand and is pregnant", and "has decided to independently have IVF to become pregnant".

In general, OP, YANBU - these letters are dorky at best. But I think it's mostly a generational thing, and you know now what your mother's like so it's down to you to manage. I'd do like a PP suggested and agree with her to draft your own paragraph about yourself. Manage the message, get out ahead of the story, etc.

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