Sister prioritising old neighbour over family at New Year

[RaisinGirls]

Quick AIBU, as DH thinks I am being unreasonable whereas I think I have a legitimate right to be pissed off.

Sister works shifts and despite originally having NYE night off has now been told she has to work. The original plan was we would all go to our parents on 30, stay for NYE and leave evening of 1 Jan. whereas now she is getting there on 29, we get there late afternoon 30 and she leaves morn of 31.

I asked if she could swap shifts to work xmas eve night and she said no as she had an old friend coming to stay. When I pulled her up on this she said oh no it's not fair on my kids, but surely if that was the reason then she would have said that, not that a friend was planning to stay.

Then her husband asks (calling my DH about five minutes after sister puts phone down on me) if we can pick him up on our way to our family as he is going to go out with friends on 29 so won't go up with my sister - this will add on about 1 - 1.5 hour onto the journey. At best the journey would have taken 3.5 hours (plus the detour time) if roads clear but last year it took us 5.5 hours. He could drive himself or get a train.

AIBU to be bloody pissed off that sister won't ask to swap shifts due to old friend visiting and brother in law expecting us to detour to pick him up? DH thinks I have no empathy and shouldn't have had a go at her

YABU about wanting her to swap shifts. I wouldn't want to work Christmas Eve if I could avoid it. She'd be letting her friend down last min too.

Yanbu about the lift- just say no, it's too far out of your way.

She is an adult and can do as she pleases so YABU I'm afraid

As for the lift - that's outrageous. Def NBU there.

YNBU about the lift but YABU about the friend's visit.

What do you want sis to tell the friend?

'Pulled her up on this' you're her sister not her mother! She's entitled to make her own decisions.

I'm with your DH, I think YABU.

YANBU about the lift.

YABVU about your sister and changing shifts.

Can the BIL get himself to your house so he can have a lift. I'm assuming he will then be traveling back with your sister so it does seem daft for them to have to drive all that way back in two cars.

The friend is a mutual friend of both her and her husband as old neighbour.

I dunno I just would have thought you'd try and honour a commitment to your family rather than a friend.

Genuinely interested in people's opinions as I really thought she should have tried to swap her shift - I suggested Xmas Eve as thought maybe someone would swap that for NYE as they are both big dates as opposed to swapping with a random one.

I still think the only reason she called to tell me was because she wanted the lift for her husband rather than wanting advice on what to do - which is what she said she wanted as she was gutted about NYE.

Agree with pps. Yanbu re the lift but I think yabu re the shift change.

BiL could get a train to us if he wanted but suspect it's easier for him for us to do detour as it's 'on the way' rather than him travelling in opposite direction.

He could also get a train direct to my parents city which wouldn't be that much longer than getting train to us.

So you think she should prioritise spending NYE with you over spending Christmas eve with her kids.

YABVU

YABU about your sister, she doesn't want to work xmas eve and already has someone coming to her house anyway.

YANBU about BIL's lift, if the cheeky bugger is making a problem for himself getting there then he can solve it himself by getting the train, it shouldn't cost you 1.5 hours. Say no.

Well of course it's easier for him but it's ridiculous. Completely.

In some instances I would certainly put a friend over family. It would depend on the friend and what was happening at that time. It would never occur to me to suggest to a family member that they should prioritise me. Sorry - still think YABU

Most people who agree to work Christmas Eve are the ones who want to go out at New Year so I think she'd struggle to swap anyway. I'm the opposite - don't care about New Year but don't want to work Christmas Eve. It's also very, very late to cancel a friend who is coming to stay. What do you want friend to do, stay at home on her own with a week notice?!

YANBU about the lift though. I'm doing a 4.5 hour journey on the 29th and in no way want to lengthen it.

She is not prioritising a friend over family. She had made plans for both, the plans with family are amended because she is now required to work when she would be seeing family. She will still be seeing family, just not for as long as originally planned.

And who's to say she could have swapped shifts anyway?

I agree with your husband, you are being unreasonable here.

I cannot imagine ever taking a 1.5hr detour to pick up someone who is fully capable of driving himself or taking the train.

YANBU. Sounds like sis was sneaky about it. Just say 'no, that doesn't work for us.'

I think it's because she said she didn't want to ask to work xmas eve because of her friend coming that I am pissed off. If she had said it was because of her kids I would have understood. Her night shift wouldn't start till about 7.30 so would be there for kids for most of evening and back before they woke on xmas day - but yes agree it's not great. Just felt on the call it was not because of that she hadn't asked but because of their friend staying.

Maybe IABU because I am annoyed as all our plans were originally sorted to accommodate her shifts and now I am annoyed that all the planning is for nothing down to her friend,

I suspect I am absolutely not being unreasonable about the picking up of the husband who won't change his plans and night out to accommodate my sisters shift changes but expects me to go out of my way to accommodate him

It's not 'down to her friend'. It's down to her employer requiring her to work.

Yes, you've said that's why you're annoyed and you are still being unreasonable. Changing her days slightly visiting family is far less rude than cancelling on the friend completely.

Ok, can see that people think IABU so will try harder to see it from her perspective.

Although it's a joint friend not a sole friend so it's not like the friend would suddenly feel alone and awkward.

Yabvu about her shifts.

Old/dear friends are equally as important imo to family (kids aside)

Maybe she wants to enjoy Christmas Day with her DH, kids and friend, rather than being wiped out and needing to sleep because of having just come off a night shift?

I would change plans for family before an old friend too, for a couple of reasons

1. family are closer and would hopefully be more understanding of last minute changes
2. seeing an old friend is probably less likely to happen regularly than seeing family. also, i'd always chose working NYE over CE, because NYE isn't so much about the kids and the run up, and becaue there will be other people at your NYE thing, where as one friend is just one. also, its different cancelling a friend staying over, than you staying over at someone elses, you're far less likely to be putting people out that way round. so YABU.

all that said, your BIL needs to get a train!

Working nights on Xmas eve will be really hard for her esp with kids, Xmas eve will be no fun for her during the day as the thought of work will be looming, and she will be absolutely knackered on Xmas day morning it will ruin the whole day for her, I think sometimes if you don't work nights it's hard to understand how you feel the next morning! But it's not nice!
But agree bil is bit cheeky, can he get bus/train to you and travel with you that way. ?

So you would like her to be knackered on Christmas Day after a night shift? And you don't give a damn about her friend's feelings? You think she should let her down just to please you? YABVVVVU. YANBU about the lift though, it's way out of your way and he can sort himself.