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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DD and perfect BF?

45 replies

RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 18:33

Hi, I'm new to MN so sorry if I've done this all wrong Confused

I'm a single mum, always have been and have always managed okay. I have 1 DD who's 17. She's had the same BF for the past 2 years and they seem to be pretty serious.

I have come from a poor background and don't have a great job. I can't afford holidays, a big house or anything like that. DD is currently doing A Levels at an alright state sixth form and seems to be doing okay.

BF on the other hand is the complete opposite. He goes to one of the best private schools in the country, has a big family, both mother and father are the absolute best in their fields on a global scale and they travel internationally to work, they have an absolutely massive house, loads of holidays, staff etc... You get the picture...

Both of his parents are wonderful and so kind and accommodating. The thing is that DD is spending virtually all her time with BF and his family and I feel like I hardly see her. It's like she's left me and been adopted by BF's family! She's also always included for family get togethers etc...

So, AIBU to be feeling a little frustrated at all of this, and when I try to talk to DD she just shuts me down and says that BF's dad is like the father she never had and his mum is like a second mother to her? AIBU to feel upset that I've practically been ditched by my own DD for her BF and family?

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just feeling a little down because as I write this, BF has taken DD to London to some crazily priced hotel to celebrate the Christmas holidays... Thanks for your patience if you got this far...

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 17/12/2016 18:36

I think it is nice they have welcomed her into the family. There is nothing worse than feeling on the outside when at social events with "inlaws".

I can see how this may be hard for you but they are pretty young so may not even last.

Boundaries · 17/12/2016 18:37

Be happy that you are "losing" her to something safe and caring.

Be proud that you've brought her up to be confident enough to hold her own regardless.

Be thankful that she perhaps won't have some of the struggles you have had.

Be there to catch her if it all topples over.

Have a cry, some wine, some crisps and a box set Smile

eatsleepfeedrepeat · 17/12/2016 18:43

I can't imagine what it must be like to have 17 years just the two of you, and then see her disappear seemingly into another family. It sounds like you're facing an empty nest sooner than you would have liked or expected. No advice as mine are still small but am sending sympathy Flowers

baconandeggies · 17/12/2016 18:48

Agree with the above, but do make sure to make time to include them in your life too. Not in a competitive way (!) but to let them know that you care and like to spend time with them both.

Original poster
RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 18:57

Thank you everyone for all the support, it really does mean a lot. I just feel like a bit of an outsider because of BF's insanely talented in everything family!

Also, I'm afraid that the relationship will end, and if it does what DD will do. She thinks the world of BF and they spend so much time together I of course don't want to see her get hurt, but I guess that's what relationships are like... Thank you again x

OP posts:
Empress13 · 17/12/2016 19:15

Me thinks you are secretly hoping they finish and you can get your little girl back but TBH she's going to flee the nest one day and how nice they think so highly of her. Just take it as it comes, let her do her thing, I would be happy she is getting to gave fun and enjoy the finer things in life.

OP she will ALWAYS be your daughter !

Atenco · 17/12/2016 19:17

I and my dd were like you, always just the two of us. The first boyfriend she had was always around at our house, with the second she was always around there.

Now is the time to start to find yourself again, OP, and do all the things you couldn't do because you had to stay in for your dd.

Revealall · 17/12/2016 19:22

You must have brought up a lovely girl if she is so welcomed into another family. Even if it goes tits up ( and she is young so this is a distinct possibility) at least she has set a high benchmark for the next boyfriend.
Don't feel bad. You've raised your daughter and now it's time to do stuff in the next phase of your life. Let her make her own mistakes as it's her life and be there to bolster her as you have always done.
Maybe you will find a nice guy to take you to expensive hotels in 2017!

Scooby20 · 17/12/2016 19:23

The thing is op, this would have happened sooner or later. She is yiung and having fun and not really thinking about how the whole situation may make you feel.

Probably when she is older she will. But she is a teen having fun. That's surely what you want for her?

They may last. They may not. But be happy that they clearly think the world of her.

Jiggeriepokerie · 17/12/2016 19:28

I can completely understand how you must feel. My 17 year old daughter has at the moment and has had a couple of very wealthy boyfriends. At first, aged 14/15 or so, she was a bit star struck with it all but not so much now. Nine times out of ten she wants to slob out and be off her best behaviour with we paupers when she's not at school so just give it a bit of time. She'll even her time out with you soon enough I'm sure.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/12/2016 19:33

You must miss her a great deal, and it would be hard for anyone not to feel a little sidelined in the same situation. Flowers

I agree with the previous poster who said to focus on the positives - the boyfriend himself seems loving and caring, and that is worth its weight in gold. That his parents have been welcoming, likewise.

It seems like she is making good choices, so you have done well to instil good self-esteem in her.

She is still very young, so be ready in the wings for when she needs you. WineChocolate

Original poster
RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 19:33

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have now come to realise that the sad truth is that I'm jealous of her... Blush I would love to have an amazing looking BF, who's a genius, hilarious loves me and is uber wealthy... Oh well... A girl can dream!!

OP posts:
Christmassnake · 17/12/2016 19:35

They are in love....it would of been the same if he was as poor as a church mouse.love dosnt see money...be happy....she will always be your daughter.now she has other people to love her too...it's not a competition you will always be her mum....

Christmassnake · 17/12/2016 19:36

Maybe a tad envious would be a better way to put it.....

JungleWait · 17/12/2016 19:37

I hope this doesn't come harshly but are you sure you aren't envious rather than jealous? Envy means you'd like that too, jealous means you don't want her to have it but you want it.

JungleWait · 17/12/2016 19:39

Btw you must have raised a very confident young girl if she's fitted right in with the BF'S super wealthy family. Be grateful it's someone lovely with a lovely family!

Original poster
RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 19:40

Yes, sorry... My fault. I'm not jealous of her at all. I'm happy for her! 'A tad envious' is definitely a better way to put it... Blush

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 17/12/2016 19:43

Do they ever spend any time at your house? I'd you invited them both for Sunday dinner for eg would they come?

Olympiathequeen · 17/12/2016 19:43

I think this would have been inevitable even if DD wasn't dazzled by the BF and his family's high life.

When your child moves into adulthood and becomes part of a couple you do lose them in a way, but eventually they will come back to you provided you have built a solid loving relationship.

In the meantime use your free time to built up your life and social circle.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 17/12/2016 19:47

Aw op it must be hard because she has obviously been your whole world for the past 17 years and now she is off living her own life. I think from your post it sounds a bit like you have put your own life on hold while you raised her so now is a great time to start thinking about you and what you want next. Even if she broke up with this guy she may find someone else, or may go to university etc. She is growing up and although she will always need you she also needs to go out and experience life. Do you have an interest in meeting someone new? Maybe join some dating websites or look into making some new hobbies or friendship groups. Try not to see it as losing your daughter but as an opportunity to focus on you.

Original poster
RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 19:49

Funny you should say that about inviting them... (Sorry I have no idea how to do a quote...) Because I have tried (via DD) but she just says that it would be embarrassing or that BF is busy etc... I don't really know the BF that well which is a shame, because from what DD has told me he's a genuinely great guy, but she doesn't seem to want me to have much contact with him... Any advice on how to combat this? Confused

OP posts:
toptoe · 17/12/2016 19:57

When she's a bit older she'll begin to realise the value of what you have and what you have done for her. She'll want to show off her mum and your home to her bf. It's just at the moment she is still maturing and maybe she's not thinking about what she has and looking at what he has. It's not to say that she isn't proud of you or her home, rather that she may feel inferior to what he has if that makes sense. The expensive holidays, the nice big house with all the mod cons, all that is lovely to begin with but plenty of rich people are depressed etc because it's not stuff that makes you happy, but the people and comforts of love. When she gets used to his wealth, she'll stop focussing on it so much.

TataEs · 17/12/2016 19:59

ah at 17 all kids want to be as far away from their family as possible. they fall in love and their world shrinks to that one person and it's very consuming

after running in to my ex from when i was 16 the other day (not as awkward as ud expect!) we grabbed coffee and we were saying how our relationship was so intense at the time and how really that was the demise of it, we couldn't maintain that level of intensity and so it felt like it was over, when really it was probably just normalising. we wouldn't have lasted anyway mind, but that's not the point.

you are her mum. the reason she's so confident to bugger off all the time is cos she knows you'll still be there. you'll always be there. so try and be grateful that he is smart and works hard, cos she will too, that his parents expect a lot of him, in that culture you strive to achieve on par with your peers, so she'll be aiming high, his family are welcoming, i went to private school and some parents were not as welcoming of their children's friends if their parents were not their sort as her bf family are, and ultimately it'll be super intense for a bit, then it will plateau and you'll see more of her again.

my relationship with my parents dipped from 16-24 as i was off being me... but at 31 we are back to being super close and i love spending time with them again.

DurdleDurdle · 17/12/2016 20:15

We have a large house with several reception rooms and I think my Uni age DCs and their partners tend to hang out at our house more than at their partners parents houses because there is a lot more space.

Original poster
RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 20:20

Toptoe and TataEs, thank you so much for both of your responses. You've made me feel a lot more comfortable about the whole thing and it's so useful to hear from people who've done it before. I have been so happy for her, but a little anxious too and you've definitely helped quell my fears.

OP posts:
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