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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DD and perfect BF?

45 replies

RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 18:33

Hi, I'm new to MN so sorry if I've done this all wrong

I'm a single mum, always have been and have always managed okay. I have 1 DD who's 17. She's had the same BF for the past 2 years and they seem to be pretty serious.

I have come from a poor background and don't have a great job. I can't afford holidays, a big house or anything like that. DD is currently doing A Levels at an alright state sixth form and seems to be doing okay.

BF on the other hand is the complete opposite. He goes to one of the best private schools in the country, has a big family, both mother and father are the absolute best in their fields on a global scale and they travel internationally to work, they have an absolutely massive house, loads of holidays, staff etc... You get the picture...

Both of his parents are wonderful and so kind and accommodating. The thing is that DD is spending virtually all her time with BF and his family and I feel like I hardly see her. It's like she's left me and been adopted by BF's family! She's also always included for family get togethers etc...

So, AIBU to be feeling a little frustrated at all of this, and when I try to talk to DD she just shuts me down and says that BF's dad is like the father she never had and his mum is like a second mother to her? AIBU to feel upset that I've practically been ditched by my own DD for her BF and family?

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just feeling a little down because as I write this, BF has taken DD to London to some crazily priced hotel to celebrate the Christmas holidays... Thanks for your patience if you got this far...

OP posts:

Mrsglitterfairy · 17/12/2016 20:32

Oh OP, I feel for you
My DSs are very young so haven't dealt with this as a mum but I remember being 17 and totally in love with my BF. He had these dead cool parents who took us to the pub and away with them and little sisters who adored me. I never wanted to be at home, spent all my time with them. It didn't mean I loved my mum any less or didn't want to spend time with her, I was just so dazzled by this amazing new family that I simply didn't think of anything else.
This relationship may fizzle out (like mine did) or may last forever. Either way, as your DD grows up and matures, she will naturally want to spend time with you again. As long as you don't force her away by trying to push things now.
And on a positive note, it's time to start thinking about you now. Go out with friends, go on dates, take up a new hobby etc. Allow yourself to be selfish a little

Original poster

RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 21:48

Ironically, after asking for advice about DD, she has just phoned me... Apparently at dinner, BF invited her on holiday. With his family. To their holiday home in LA this summer...

Now this is another thing to think about... She has never even been out of the UK, let alone to the US... I want her to go, because she will have incredible experiences and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. However, I'm aware that LA is a long way away and if anything happened, I could never forgive myself...

Also, I don't know the family or the BF that well... What do you wise MNers advise please?? Sorry, it seems like one thing after another...

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2016 21:52

She's 17, so you can't stand in her way, without irrepairably damaging your relationship with her. Just make sure she has travel insurance and don't worry, she'll have a great time and be in safe hands.

Salmotrutta · 17/12/2016 21:55

In your shoes I'd be asking to meet the BF and parents if they are inviting her on holidays abroad.

I know she's 17 (and up here in Scotland they are legally adults at 16) but I'd still want to meet the people taking her away on holiday.

DurdleDurdle · 17/12/2016 21:58

Holiday home in LA Sounds lIke a no brainer.

Of course you should let her go

.. however I would request a chat about finances and contingency plans if they were to break up. When we have taken our adult kids partners on holidays with us I've always made them 'all inclusive'. i.e. All they have to bring is some spending money for themselves we pay for everything else. We've also only done it on the understanding that if the DC were to break up before the holiday then that's a shame but it's our risk. I wouldn't go chasing them for the cost of the flight etc. IYSWIM

Ahickiefromkinickie · 17/12/2016 22:02

mother and father are the absolute best in their fields on a global scale and they travel internationally

Are they The Incredibles? Mr & Mrs Smith?

Original poster

RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 22:03

Oh thank you all, especially DurdleDurdle, I would never have thought of all that...

OP posts:

Original poster

RedSoxy · 17/12/2016 22:05

Compared to me they're the incredibles anyway... They're often away on business trips to Hong Kong or New York...

OP posts:

Peppapogstillonaloop · 17/12/2016 22:18

La will be amazing and she will be fine and have a blast! I would be encouraging but also say that you would like to meet the boyfriend properly if she is going away with him..perhaps a chance to therefore spend some time with them and get to know him?

Obsidian77 · 17/12/2016 22:37

I second what toptoe said, your DD may not be paying attention to it right now but in time she'll come to value the loving, stable upbringing you've given her far more than a fancy house and "successful" parents who are never even in the same time zone.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/12/2016 22:55

I travelled on my own to LA at 17. You really don't need to worry. They've been together two years, they're hardly going to turn horrible now.

I would tell DD that it's her decision, but also her responsibility. She needs to talk to his parents about what she needs to contribute financially (probably nothing, maybe the flight?) and she needs to discuss what would happen in the likely event that they break up before then.

One thread on here, when the kids broke up, they expected the DD's Mum to pay for the flight & other stuff and the kids were only 15 and they'd invited her as their guest.

Sorry you're feeling sad, but as everyone has said, she's a teenager, it happens 💐 It's hard when you're 'less well off' & you can't offer the same things. But you're her Mum & her safety net, it'll all be ok. Try to enjoy your 'freedom' from having to worry about babysitters etc

MillionToOneChances · 17/12/2016 23:08

So hard, but you just have to be supportive and loving and know that you'll always be her mum. Closeness ebbs and flows a bit.

You have to let her go to LA, but I think it's perfectly fair to say up front that you can't afford to contribute anything to the (considerable) costs.

kali110 · 17/12/2016 23:42

Just be there for her if it goes wrong op. Tell her you love her and you'll always be there.
It sounds like you've done a great job raising her

misshelena · 18/12/2016 05:44

"Because I have tried (to invite bf over) but she just says that it would be embarrassing or that BF is busy etc"

OP - I am sorry to have a different opinion as everyone here. But this above would not be acceptable for me. Your dd is ashamed of you! I know that you are not as accomplished as bf's parents, but you are her mother. You raised her -- as a single mom, no less. She should be proud of you and proud to be your dd, instead of trying to hide you like you are a drag on her social standing.

My own dd16 has been dating her high school dreamboat for about a year. Bf is extremely athletic, very good looking, super smart, and from a very wealthy family. We are middle class. Yes, they spend most of their time at his mansion and his family adores her. BUT, dd puts us first. She arranges their meetups around our family schedule, not the other way around. For example, she plans to celebrate Xmas with bf a couple days before Xmas because we have family plans for Xmas eve and day. Bf's family takes them to fancy events, but she also invites bf to simple park or beach outings with us. In fact, she makes it so clear that we are important to her that bf would often get scolded by his parents for doing things that they think may upset us (mostly for returning dd home later than promised). And needless to say, bf is always eager to please and impress us.

I don't know what I'd do if I were you... I just know that I would not be ok with dd's attitude. And I'd also worry about what would happen when they break up. Your dd likely already sees herself as member of his world, a very different one than the one she was raised in. So when it's over, she'd be losing more than a bf, she'd be losing an entire identity.
I am sorry OP, I know I am probably not making you feel any better...

DurdleDurdle · 18/12/2016 11:01

I missed the embarrassing bit and I I would agree that is not ok. Is that what she actually said?

Original poster

RedSoxy · 18/12/2016 13:09

Yes DurdleDurdle, she actually said the word 'embarrassing'... That's part of what I'm wondering AIBU about...

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 18/12/2016 13:59

She seems like she's looking down you. Probably thinks as she's been with this guy for a while that they'll last through uni which is unlikely if they go to different ones. My cousin was like this & it took her being unceremoniously dumped by her rich boyfriend (and his family) and replaced by a rich girl more their style, to realise how silly she was.

DurdleDurdle · 18/12/2016 14:08

Ok then, if she said you were 'embarrassing' then I don't blame you for being upset. Hopefully, it was just something stupid she said without thinking rather than it being something she genuinely believes. Finding your parents/parent 'embarrassing' is totally normal so it depends how she meant it. I would have a frank talk with her about it if you can. I think she should know how upsetting you find it.
BTW just because she said that it doesn't mean that her BF or his family would look down on you at all.

Ethylred · 18/12/2016 14:11

OP, your post isn't about DD and her BF, it's about you.

Your job is to be the adult and let her have a fabulous time without you, and to be there if it goes wrong.

toutsuites · 18/12/2016 14:50

When I was younger I became part of another family at this age. I suppose she is experiencing this at quite an unfortunate moment for you. It's the end of the teenage angst and adolescent troubles which she associates with you, she's in love and she sees nothing but the unbridled freedom and opportunity that this other family offer. This must be very hard for you, but I think you have to embrace it like any other stage of her development. I can assure you that if the relationship breaks up, or she needs something, she will know she can always rely on you. And certainly when she has children of her own (whenever that will be) she will have a realisation of what you did for her.

Long time to wait, I know, but life is long!

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