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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so upset?

36 replies

ladyratterley · 17/12/2016 16:38

This morning my partner made a joke about me joining the gym. He's brought this up several times in recent months, even offering to pay for me to join. The reason why he's been badgering me about this has been niggling at me. Today I told him I didn't understand what he meant by it.
He told me "You could look amazing if you went to the gym" he later qualified this and said I look nice now but could look better.

He very rarely says appreciative things about how I look or my body. He occasionally says I look "nice". When I recently said "is that all?" after making a big effort for a special occasion and he said "ok. Very nice"! This and what he's said this morning makes me think he finds me unattractive.

I'm a curvy size 10, sometimes pushing a 12. I was definitely a little slimmer when we first met a year and a half ago, but I can still fit in my clothes, (although some of the jeans are a little tight!) However I've put it down to aging as I'm 36. It's not like I do no excercise. I go for a 45 minute or hour long run once a week and also cycle 6 miles 3 or 4 times a week.
However I also enjoy good food. I feel life is for living and I want to enjoy food and not spend hours in the gym. I'm sure I could look better if I toned up, but it's not really a priority for me. I'm a curvy hourglass shape so I'm never going to look athletic.

I'm feel like I'm not perfect, but neither is he! I wouldn't dream of telling him he needs to sort his hairy back out! I'm disappointed he's being so shallow.
I feel he's basically said he's not happy/satisfied with who I am and how I look. I feel he's implying I'm fat and lazy.

AIBU to be so upset? Am I overreacting? Should I try to take this as him trying to be helpful?! He's mortified I'm so upset.
We're suppposed to be going out tonight and I can barely look at him. I feel like shit!

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 17/12/2016 16:47

You are not over reacting, he's a shallow dick.

user1471464943 · 17/12/2016 16:52

You're a size 10-12 and he's told you you need to go to the gym?!
He sounds shallow and insensitive.
This was never going to end well

VladmirsPoutine · 17/12/2016 16:52

I don't think you are over-reacting. You sound like you have a good shape and are confident in yourself. It took me years to accept that I'm never going to look like Heidi Klum, I'm just not built that way.

Tell him to get a grip or fuck off. His actions are making you unnecessarily self conscious and he of all people shouldn't be eating away at your confidence.

scottishdiem · 17/12/2016 16:54

Well at least he is mortified you are upset although telling someone they could look better is a shocker.

Has he changed in size/looks since you first met? If he has then he has a bloody cheek to be making comments based on your looks.

Is there any possible context for this? For example, do you make comments about wanting certain clothes but not being able to wear them (friend once went on about Karen Millen dresses not fitting and her BF said well lose weight then - not the best response).

Has be always been stingy with his appreciative comments? Have levels of intimacy changed?

Dont feel like shit though. You have to be happy about how you feel and not please other people first.

galaxygirl45 · 17/12/2016 16:56

Wow he sounds like a real prize. Start cutting down on his portions and tell him he's getting middle age spread.

queenc81 · 17/12/2016 16:57

LTB!!

In all seriousness what a dick!

TheWitTank · 17/12/2016 17:03

Start leaving pictures of Tom Hardy around and commenting on how much more you would fancy him if he looked like that.
Seriously, he sounds a total dick. LTB.

Original poster
ladyratterley · 17/12/2016 17:04

He's always been stingy with compliments but I've accepted that's just how he is. So it's pretty galling for him to not accept me as I am!

I've always been confident in how I look, whilst also knowing I don't look like Heidi Klum Grin (that amused me Vladimir!)
Unfortunately he's not changed since we got together, so I can't have him up on that!

It feels better to know I'm not being ridiculous. I'm sat in the loo now crying.
He's told me it came out wrong and he's so sorry I'm so upset and it's all his fault.

Doesn't really change the fact I now feel gross about myself. I'm going to try to avoid being naked around him for a bit! Which is shit as normally I'm not bothered about being naked around the house.

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 17/12/2016 17:07

He's an arsehole. That's your problem, right there.

FuckingHellz · 17/12/2016 17:08

Omg! I would arrange an appointment for him with a plastic surgeon to change the size of his dick. That's honestly how offensive what he's said to you is.

He's not accepting you as you are. If you want to go to the gym do it but going for someone else will never create happiness for you and life's too short.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 17/12/2016 17:12

Have my first ever LTB. He's shallow and it's not a thought that should have even crossed his mind, yet alone been vocalised. For context, I've lost a stone and a half this year and gone down a dress size. DH has been hugely supporting and encouraging whilst ALSO making it clear that he thought I looked amazing and sexy before my weightless too. That's how it should be. You can do better.

Mileymoocow · 17/12/2016 17:17

First ever LTB here, too. What an arse! But before you do, please do tell him to sort out his hairy back and emphasise how gross it is.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/12/2016 17:19

I wouldn't ltb off the back of these comments taken alone. If he regularly makes you feel worthless and second guess yourself then we're into different territory.
My ex had next to no tact what-so-ever. I didn't lose the bastard because he once told me that he preferred my hair long - no, I left after systematic emotional abuse.
Only you know what goes on and from what you've written we can't know exactly what's going on.
What I will say is that many times it starts like this; a comment here or there every once in a while and before you know it you feel ashamed about your very existence and don't know whether you're coming or going. Don't let it get that far.
You need to address this with him in a very matter-of-fact manner. I know he's made you feel like shit over this but keep a level head when talking to him. Tell him this is not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. Don't let him lead you down the garden path wrt 'you're just over-sensitive' - that's another red flag.

Sn0tnose · 17/12/2016 17:23

You're definitely nbu to be so upset, what an absolute arse.

If you can still fit into clothes you had when you first met, then you obviously haven't changed that much! I'd be telling him that if you're going to start pointing out each other's faults, then he should take a seat and make himself comfy, while you explain to him that he looks ok with his hairy back but he'd look a lot less like a silverback gorilla if he started a manscaping regime!

Loulou0 · 17/12/2016 17:26

He's an arsehole. What a cruel thing to say. Something similar happened to me yesterday. My husband commented that my tits didn't feel as firm as when we first met. 10 years ago. When I was 28, not 38. Before I'd breastfed two 10lb babies. My husband is an arsehole too.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/12/2016 17:27

Tell him you know a way you can lose 12 stone instantly...

Fucking arse Xmas Angry

There's nowt wrong with you! Cake Wine

Original poster
ladyratterley · 17/12/2016 17:29

Thanks ladies. He's honestly such a lovely partner normally. He's very supportive and we're an equal partnership. I'd have said he's very much a feminist and not shallow. He's never made me feel like this before. Perhaps that's why I'm SO upset.
I'm not ready to talk to him about this in a level headed way, but perhaps tomorrow I'll ask him what the actual fuck he was thinking!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyratterley · 17/12/2016 17:30

And yes Loulou, your husband is an aresehole too!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/12/2016 17:33

Some people are just tactless and don't understand that 'the truth' (as they see it) isn't always the way to make someone feel better. He probably just thinks he is trying to encourage you. You're right to have told him how upset you are by his comments. Hopefully he will take it on board right away.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 17/12/2016 17:36

FFS!

The number of size 10 and 12 women who think they're fat - or have been told they're fat by their other halves!

Kick him into touch. Only go to the gym if it's what YOU want to do - there is NO WAY you are overweight (unless you are only 2'6"")

Baylisiana · 17/12/2016 17:40

Let him 'accidentally' see you looking at extreme female bodybuilding pics online. Say you are really excited about the gym membership for becoming super strong, which you have always wanted to do but weren't sure how he'd feel. Tell him you are so glad he likes that look, some men are put off by it but it means a lot to you that he isn't.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/12/2016 17:45

Op you need to lose some weight.

About 12 manshaped stone.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 17/12/2016 17:45

"Well, my dear, I guess you won't be wanting sex with anyone who is just ok, so best you fuck off and find yourself a supermodel you utter prick. "
I used to be a 10/12, not been for years but after a lifetime together dh would never, ever suggest anything like that. But that's cos he isn't as shallow as a puddle.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 17/12/2016 17:48

I'd have said he's very much a feminist
No, women are feminists, men can support and believe in feminism. He is doing neither.

diddl · 17/12/2016 17:55

My husband isn't a great one for compliments.

That doesn't matter to me.

He has never ever said anything negative about my body or appearance though.

If you now feel that you must hide your body from him then I would seriously think about leaving.

Who wants to be with someone who makes them feel like that?

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