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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross about the situation my husband tried to put me in and to have said no

57 replies

PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2016 18:45

I will try and keep this short, I don't think I ABU but husband doea.

I work as a nanny looking after two children and have my two children with me at the same time, today their mum asked me to have them at my house and she would collect between 5.30-45, my husband knows all of these details.

At 5.35ish I get a text from husband saying MIL is visiting 90 year old relative at care home and want to know can I FaceTime them so they can speak to my children. I said no, I'm working and the mum is literally going to collect any minute (even if she was due to collect I would have said no but it was just the worst timing ever).

The lady I nanny for is lovely and wouldn't have minded if my children were on the phone and husband knows this, however I just don't think it's professional as my children would have needed help from me. I them revived streams of texts from husband saying it'll only be two minutes, old relative will be upset etc etc etc.
He has history for not standing up to/wanting to upset MIL and relations are very strained between us all.
I am so cross that he thought it would be OK (and told MIL it would be fine and to expect a call) because he can't say no to her.

He on the other hand think it was two minutes out of my day and would have been a nice thing to do for someone who doesn't have the chance to see the children very often. Was I being a cow to say no?

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 16/12/2016 19:22

Yanbu, and asking them to wait til your charges were collected was sensible, what was the reason why the relatives couldn't wait, if it was so important to them to speak to your dc?

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 19:25

You did the right thing.

People saying op could've given a couple of minutes to her own kids - eh? This was right in the pick up slot. An arrangement at 5pm, say, might have been better, as the boss's kids could've had a snack or ten minute cartoon then

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 19:25

Obviously arrangement at 6pm even better!

GooseFriend · 16/12/2016 19:30

Yanbu. Your employer doesn't see you all day which means that, rightly or wrongly, what's going on at pick up is important as it's the time she sees the context her kids are in all day.

You sound really good at your job and very professional. Yanbu

Serialweightwatcher · 16/12/2016 19:31

I don't think you were unreasonable - why couldn't MIL hang around with the other relative a bit longer until you were able to get your children to face time? If it was that important, why couldn't she put herself out a bit?

Original poster
PinotAndPlaydough · 16/12/2016 19:33

MIL wanted to get home as she cares for FIL who is terminally ill. I get why she wanted me to phone right then, I don't get why I I married a man child who can't tell her no 🙄

I do think he probably doesn't value my work, it's inly part time and it comes after being a SAHM for 5 years, I think he still thinks I'm a SAHM but with two extra children. I see it differently, looking after other people's children is very different to looking after just your own.

I may have been a bit bullish (I know I can be sometimes) but it pissed me off that he already agreed to me calling without checking and know I was working and about to handover.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 19:35

Sta

AnyFucker · 16/12/2016 19:36

Standing your ground is not "bullish"

Funny how when men stick up for themselves they are "assertive" but when women do it they are viewed negatively

LittleL232 · 16/12/2016 19:38

YANBU there is no way that phone call would have taken anything like 2 minutes, more like 10 at the least.

EvenTheWind · 16/12/2016 19:39

He needs to get a grip, frankly. Imagine if you tried to tell him off for not picking the phone up when he was speaking to his boss. Not that you'd be so odd as to schedule a call at that exact moment which you knew about any way!

Sparkletastic · 16/12/2016 19:39

I would have done exactly as you did.

Trunkisareshite · 16/12/2016 19:45

I agree AnyFucker the same as men are never called 'bossy' etc. Let's keep fighting the fight!

OP, you were right to remain professional, so yanbu.

Ladyformation · 16/12/2016 19:45

You were absolutely right and I bet your clients value your professionalism. The worry is that your DH doesn't.

BakeOffBiscuits · 16/12/2016 19:53

So H and MIL expected you to be available at exactly 5.35 to do a Skype call, whilst looking after 4 children, with absolutely NO prior warning?

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers. What a pair of twits.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 16/12/2016 20:01

Your dh sounds like hard work!

DixieWishbone · 16/12/2016 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confuugled1 · 16/12/2016 20:07

Think I woukd have conveniently not seen the texts until after your charges had been picked up.

And if you have a phone that shows msgs have been delivered then I'd say that as you saw it was him and that as collection time was imminent you knew it wouldn't matter, sorry, you knew it was important to sort that before you talked.

I bet he would never dream of face timing his mil and your elderly relative when he was about to go into a meeting with his boss but as he knows that nobody would ever ask him to do this he can pretend he would when actually it would be such a ridiculous idea he wouldn't dteam of it.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/12/2016 20:10

Sorry OP hadn't realised about your MIL's situation - your DH probably doesn't understand how you feel about the other children in your care but he should because they're your responsibility and not yours, therefore if anything had happened in the time you were helping yours to face time it would be you having to explain to an angry employer and you would have felt bad yourself that you'd taken your eye off the ball - he needs to realise and he needs to stand up to his mother!

MrsBlennerhassett · 16/12/2016 20:11

YANBU hes acting like your job isnt a real job and you dont have to take it seriously. Its not professional to facetime someone at work!

EweAreHere · 16/12/2016 20:21

When your DH gets home, I'd calmly tell him that if it was the important, he would have been home at 5:35 handling the skype call with the children himself, as you were working and it was a particularly tricky time as the handover to the mum was imminent.

Elendon · 16/12/2016 20:25

What you did was reasonable and sensible.

happychristmaspoobum · 16/12/2016 21:04

yanbu - I agree with the PP who asked if your DH skypes elderly relatives when he is at work?

Thought not.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2016 21:26

YANBU

isitginoclock · 16/12/2016 22:08

YANBU. Would he take the time out of his working day to help the children Skype?

ThisThingCalledLife · 16/12/2016 22:15

He on the other hand think it was two minutes out of my day and would have been a nice thing to do for someone

Well....it would have only been 2 minutes out of mil life to give you notice about the visit so you could arrange to accommodate the request Hmm
THAT would have been a 'nice' thing to do for someone you asking a favour from!