Feel like I'm 'responsible' for everything in our family life!

[DoddleDeer]

Having a day of feeling really rubbish. I forgot something important to my son because I didn't read a letter from the school properly. I corrected it, rushed into the school sorted it out but it is the second time this has happened. It led to an argument with DH that I feel I'm left to be responsible for sorting everything out. I work full time, am the main wage earner in our house. DH has his own business and the idea is he keeps it small to work around the children and our family life so he can be more flexible. As awful, awful as it is sounds in short we could survive without his income, we could not survive without mine. However I still feel responsible for everything in our family life. He doesn't like computers, doesn't have an email account etc so anything online I deal with, this includes all out bills, all communication from school and nursery about DCs, I sort all the childcare out, I sort out everything for the cleaner, I sort our insurances out, our oil/ gas/ etc, I sort out all the arrangements for our social life, I have pretty much sorted christmas on my own etc. You get the drift. This isn't to say he doesn't do stuff, he does loads in terms of collecting children, stuff round the house etc he is not lazy at all, he is a wonderful husband and wonderful father - but I very much feel left to 'manage' our lives. Work has been very full on recently, I have a lot of responsibility and it is all getting too much. I am constantly anxious about what I've missed and feel like I'm constantly dropping the ball on things (very much like today) - there were 4 things I needed to do for DS1 today and 2 for DS2 - I remembers 5 of the 6 in total but feel totally awful at forgetting the 6th. School must think I'm a horrendous mother! AIBU to think this responsibility for managing our family needs to shared more equally - Dh seems to really underestimate how tiring it is staying on top of everything all the time!

OMG, I'm flabbergasted. How old is your DH? 2016 and can't or should I say won't use a computer? Seriously?

You are doing way too much and he's doing way too little. I think you are over valuing his contribution to the household and way undervaluing your own.

I can't believe you're doing his admin. It does sound like he's only doing the bits he likes.

Something's got to give and don't let it be your mental health.

I do all the admin, invoices, emails to customers, manage the fb page etc.

OMG you are so enabling him!

Unless he is dyslexic and can't actually read and write there is NO REASON on earth except he is lazy for you to be doing that! Honestly.

Seriously, can he actually read and write??? That might be the root of 'not liking bills' 'not liking computers' and he just masks it in day to day life quite well.

Some people fall thru the cracks in school and leave not being able to read.

Hey I am in the same boat and all I wanted to say to you was that everything feels even more crazy at this time of year. You sound like you are doing the best job you can -it's a thankless task sometimes. 64 work emails sounds a lot - can you speak to someone in work to get help/support to spread the workload there? My son has been ill past 2 weeks with vomiting so I've not even got my pile of Amazon boxes yet so you are still ahead of me -Chin up you'll get there -hope you get a chance to rest and relax at Christmas xxxx

So you are working FT, running what is allegedly "his business" and doing all the family stuff?
Just stop it. Tell him he will have to hire someone to do the business stuff, and if he can't make that work financially maybe he should get a job or learn how to do it himself.

I agree with PP - he is taking the piss out of you. You are making yourself ill and it has to stop. Why are you saying he is such a great husband and father when he clearly isn't?

Oh I've been there OP, and it sucks.

FWIW, my exP is a computer whizz, works in an IT-related field, is completely connected and definitely got all the info from school, could log into bank accounts etc - yet strangely all that was still my job. I spent nearly 20 years trying to get him to take responsibility and do his share of "wifework" and I tried everything, nagging, explaining, rotas, and just not doing it. If i didn't do it, it simply wouldn't get done. And when you have kids that's not an option.

In the end (and because of various other indications of his total lack of respect) I LTB. Guess what, he can run a home just fine (unsurprisingly, as he has responsibility for all sorts at work). He just wouldn't do it when I was there to do it.

And as for school, IMO society is set up to make women feel disapproved of when the ball gets dropped. While no one disapproves of men who never touched the fecking ball in the first place.

But I can tell you it's nice being single. I still do everything for my DC and run my household myself, but there's a difference between doing everything when you signed up for that, and doing everything while someone else sits on their arse making you feel resentful and stressed.

Avoiding computers and admin and focusing on practical and creative skills and lacking in confidence does make it sound possible that there may be a mild learning disability there. Does he have trouble with organisation generally? Does he avoid reading anything complicated? How is his working memory?

But also doddledeer stop beating yourself up about forgetting about the school trip. schools probably deal with this all the time and don't give it a second thought, they just need to get the permission slip or whatever they needed from you - ur giving it far too much headspace.

I forget stuff all the time with 4 dc 's. I forgot to send old clothes in today for messy day. When I turned up at school wi the clothes there were 3 other mums in reception doing the same. No biggie.

YANBU but now you need to DO something about it. You are doing 1.5 jobs and the parental organising, he is doing 0.5 jobs. If you can manage without his income then tell him the business is down to him from 1st Jan, as you are resigning as admin assistant. Then split up the parenting admin more evenly. Maybe you do the on-line paying and he does remembering the random shit that needs to be taken/brought home from school everyday depending on what is going on. Be strict with yourself about stepping back though, and remember it doesn't have to be done your way.

another vote for Wifework, it explains all the unpaid mental labour women do.

OP I could have written this post. I need to buy the book wife work or perhaps I need to buy it for my husband!

The division of house work, childcare and running the household are conversations and arguments that constantly repeat themselves and unfortunately the resentment is building.

Even when he agrees that he will take responsibility for something, he adds just remind me about it - so basically it's still on my list to think about and remember.

I could go on, but this is your thread OP.

Until you described his dislike of computers I thought you had climbed into my life! My DH runs his own business as well and because I have always worked full time I have rarely got involved - i have done the odd admin task (once a year at the most). But otherwise I do virtually all the family admin - if I don't think to do it, it won't get done. The girls have needed a bath all week - I've been out so it hasn't happened. Christmas has been done by me and if I don't check school things they don't get done and the girls miss out. Tidying up only gets done by me. I am sick of it! He isn't lazy and works long hours but isn't proactive about the family stuff. It just doesn't occur to him to do it or think about it.

He is an actual adult right?
Same question to all these man child specimens.?

I say this to all of you. 2017 is the year these children grow up. How can you have any respect for these pathetic people?
Have your meetings. Tell them straight from now on oh are taking responsibility for x,y and z.
You want to rubs business we'll get on with it. There are free courses out there for IT use. There is no excuse.
You want mummy and daddy to have cards and gifts, knock yourself out. I'm not doing it anymore.
Meal planning and shopping will be split a week me a week you.
Don't like this you special little snow flake man child, well welcome to the adult world.
School stuff, who ever collects from school deals with the bag and invites. And if this means present needs to be purchased that's the way it is.

Wife work my arse. It's mugs work. Stop being doormats and get their arses kicked into gear. It's not about training (wtaf is that bollocks) it's called being an adult.

I bet he had a bath though?
It's not he doesn't think about it he's just selfish and lazy.

He needs a tick up the bottom but more importantly needs to be given 100% responsibility for particular tasks. For example at opne stage my husband did all the washing. I didn't think about it. I hardly knew how to work the machine. He has to remember to do it, how to do it, to dry it to put it away, everything. I didn't even give a second's thought to washing. Ditto dentist - he thought of it, got it in the diary, fixed it took the children for 17 years and I never once thought about dentists.

So what jobs can he do? Presumably he has hands which means he can type and can use a computer. I don't understand how he can't unless he's got disabilities.

Even with disabilities there's options to access computer equipment. I work with children and young adults who use their heads, chins and breathing to access computers.
Look at Stephen Hawkins. The techs been there for years and is getting g easier to use.

Yanbu it is the same for me.

Yes, this is my life.
I gave up working a year ago because of the above. At least now I have time to do the tasks, and I now actually enjoy it.
I feel for you op.
When I return to work, we are going to have to make changes again x

School stuff is completely OTT this time of year OP. That's really the problem. I've regularly been up at midnight trying to get all sorts of stuff done for school. My friends are the same.

If your husband is not an organiser by this time in his life then it does not make sense to push organising tasks over to him. Are there any other tasks that you can hand over to him?

Tiger "He needs a tick up the bottom"

How does he manage to run his small bussiness without an email these days do you mean he has a crafty hobby that he dabbles in and leaves you to do everything because that is what is happening

Reading on you do everything to do with your husbands admin as well as work sort out the childrens stuff

Agree with Mrs Jayy it's a crafty hobby not a business. Same as for me Doddle Deer. Just to say I lived this for years, exactly the same as you, and gradually resentment built up over time, despite me saying this numerous times to him over the years, and now we are separated a couple of months back. I cracked and you will too unless he changes. Not what I wanted, or envisaged. I'm sad, but resentment builds up, love is lost. I just don't understand how someone can in my mind just completely abdicate all responsibility to be an adult. Women do generally put up with a lot, it's 'normal' they joke about it with other women - why should they?

Is the wife work book the one by Susan maushart please?

How old are the kids? If older than 7 you should give them responsibility for sorting the stuff they need at school (day in advance).