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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like I'm 'responsible' for everything in our family life!

79 replies

DoddleDeer · 16/12/2016 14:11

Having a day of feeling really rubbish. I forgot something important to my son because I didn't read a letter from the school properly. I corrected it, rushed into the school sorted it out but it is the second time this has happened. It led to an argument with DH that I feel I'm left to be responsible for sorting everything out. I work full time, am the main wage earner in our house. DH has his own business and the idea is he keeps it small to work around the children and our family life so he can be more flexible. As awful, awful as it is sounds in short we could survive without his income, we could not survive without mine. However I still feel responsible for everything in our family life. He doesn't like computers, doesn't have an email account etc so anything online I deal with, this includes all out bills, all communication from school and nursery about DCs, I sort all the childcare out, I sort out everything for the cleaner, I sort our insurances out, our oil/ gas/ etc, I sort out all the arrangements for our social life, I have pretty much sorted christmas on my own etc. You get the drift. This isn't to say he doesn't do stuff, he does loads in terms of collecting children, stuff round the house etc he is not lazy at all, he is a wonderful husband and wonderful father - but I very much feel left to 'manage' our lives. Work has been very full on recently, I have a lot of responsibility and it is all getting too much. I am constantly anxious about what I've missed and feel like I'm constantly dropping the ball on things (very much like today) - there were 4 things I needed to do for DS1 today and 2 for DS2 - I remembers 5 of the 6 in total but feel totally awful at forgetting the 6th. School must think I'm a horrendous mother! AIBU to think this responsibility for managing our family needs to shared more equally - Dh seems to really underestimate how tiring it is staying on top of everything all the time!

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2016 15:43

How can he possibly run a small business without using a computer or email? I can't see how it's possible. And does he do accounts with pen and paper?

Whatever happens, being offline is a luxury he can no longer afford. He needs to pitch in with that and other things.

Original poster

DoddleDeer · 16/12/2016 15:44

I have just sat back down after collecting Ds from school and burst into tears - I think this is getting to me more than I care to admit. I juggled today to take DS2 to his christmas party, whilst ds1 was off on a school trip (the part I messed up!) and just opened my computer to 64 emails that need responding to. At the school gate listening to all the mums going on about christmas and currently all I've got is a stack of amazon boxes and at least the gift we've been making our sons - a pp poster said its like a treadmill and that is so right - maybe the impact of christmas is just making all the more stressful!

OP posts:

Original poster

DoddleDeer · 16/12/2016 15:45

Buttery I do all the admin, invoices, emails to customers, manage the fb page etc.

OP posts:

Rixera · 16/12/2016 15:50

If you do all that legwork it's not really 'his' business, is it. You're doing all the boring bits, yet again.

Lorelei76 · 16/12/2016 15:52

OP what does he actually do out of the general chores and life admin?

Original poster

DoddleDeer · 16/12/2016 15:55

He does a lot of the school runs, more does pretty much all the diy in the house, lots of the house chores, cooking etc. He isn't lazy at all, he is always doing something. It's not his efforts I'm disputing more the distribution of responsibility if that makes sense. He is a very hands on practical type.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 16/12/2016 16:00

I was going to ask how he ran a business without a computer - but now I see YOU do all his computing for him!! Well, that's totally unfair.

He runs a business - he has to suck it up, join the modern world and learn to use a computer. How on earth has he managed to function without one until now? He sounds totally selfish.

There's no point taking the kids places and picking them up if you don't do some/all of the associated admin. You're the main breadwinner, working PT for your h's business, AND doing all the household admin/shit work. No wonder you're exhausted.

What does he actually DO round the house?

It might be illuminating if you both made lists of how long you spend at each of your jobs, how long on cooking/chores/admin, and saw how fair it is. or not

Hopefully, he will be shocked at how much more you are doing than him, and he will step up and start doing his share.

Middleoftheroad · 16/12/2016 16:00

I feel your pain. My DH can be helpful but it's the burden of carrying all resonsibility that grates me too. Today he did a rare school run so I could get to work early so I could leave work early to attend Nativity (he didnt go). I was later than liked due to having to organise ethg again

Going to buy Wifework.

toptoe · 16/12/2016 16:00

So you work ft and administrate his business? He should employ an admin person pt to do that or learn how to do it himself. Your plate is too full ...that's when things start to give. Make your life easier.

Lorelei76 · 16/12/2016 16:03

Looking at his list and your list, it will be totally unbalanced in terms of hours, major reallocation of tasks needed.

CocktailQueen · 16/12/2016 16:03

Ah, x-posted. So. I suggest you stop doing anythign related to his business and he learns how to do it. Then make a list of the admins stuff and see how it can be more fairly shared out.

If he is doing his share in terms of cooking and chores and kid transport then you may have to pick up some of that if he does more admin - is that OK/possible?

Middleoftheroad · 16/12/2016 16:05

oh and I'm reminding him for third time to buy his dad Xmas gift. ive done cars and bought 9 other pressies 4 his family. but bet his dad won't get one

Stormtreader · 16/12/2016 16:07

Sounds like you need to drop the rope a bit here.

You cant be doing all the school admin AND a full time job AND his business admin as well. Just because hes saying "these are the bits I choose to do and nothing else" does not automatically mean that you have to do all the rest.

And if after doing what MUST be done, some of it is still left undone then you will have to consider what to do about that as a couple, and that might be anything from "he will have to do his admin" to "he will have to hire someone to do it, and up his business scope to afford that" to "he will have to consider winding up the business".

whoopsiedaisy123 · 16/12/2016 16:07

Doddle I could've written your post!

I have two children under two, work full time, am also the main earner, DH is self employed which isn't the picnic most people think it is, I do all the housework, organise/pay all the bills, organise all the childcare, take time off when they're ill, buy all the Christmas/birthday presents and cards for everyone including his family and our children...I do everything! He does the DIY at home and is a fantastic hands on dad when he is around and at the weekend.

We are both what I would class as modern people and yet somehow we have still fallen in to traditional roles! Well, aside from the fact that I earn more money and we can't live without my wages. I've no idea how it's happened. But like you sometimes I find myself saying "FFS" several times a day and every now and again I'll tell him how I feel and tell him he has to do more....and he'll make an effort....then the cycle begins again.

You sound like me which means you're doing a fabulous job, even if you are exhausted and shouldn't be doing it all! Christmas intensifies things because you probably also feel responsible for making sure everyone has a great Christmas along with organising everything that needs to be bought, wrapped, distributed... am I right?

HellonHeels · 16/12/2016 16:11

So you're working FT in a stressful job and working PT doing ALL the admin for your husband's business and picking up all the household and DC management. In effect you are working FT with a second job and managing the household.

Is the business making enough money to pay someone to do the admin?

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2016 16:11

Oh no, that's not on at all. Doing admin and computer tasks is just as 'practical' and 'hands on' as the stuff he does. It sounds as though he characterises all the stuff that you do (that he doesn't want to) as somehow less worthy or substantial. It's not.

In your shoes, I would tell him that as a family it does not work to have these arrangements and they need to change. He will need to learn how to do his own admin and computer stuff, and take it over. He should also take joint responsibility for school admin.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/12/2016 16:12

Unless you live in a fixer-upper, how much DIY is there to do? My DH does that as well, it mainly consist of changing the occasional lightbulb, and is not really balanced out with all the admin AND a full time job AND his business admin as well, as a pp wrote.

Your division of labour sounds very unfair.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/12/2016 16:14

DH has his own business and the idea is he keeps it small to work around the children and our family life - but he does not work around the children and family life, if you actually do most of the organising.

HellonHeels · 16/12/2016 16:16

What would happen to this business if you just stopped doing the admin?

roundaboutthetown · 16/12/2016 16:17

Why can't your dh do the reading of school letters and responding to school stuff? Surely he doesn't need to go anywhere near a computer to sort all of that out? Is this not partly you feeling a sense of guilt at handing over more child-related stuff to him, because you feel that makes you look like a "bad mother" at school? Or to do with a sense of loss on your part, because you don't want to hand the role over, you just want more time to keep it to yourself and be able to do it effectively? Or do you not trust him to be capable of doing it himself?

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/12/2016 16:17

I do all the admin, invoices, emails to customers, manage the fb page etc

Then stop. Right now.

scallopsrgreat · 16/12/2016 16:19

Oh god it gets worse. He is taking the piss. Royally.

Original poster

DoddleDeer · 16/12/2016 16:29

Katherina it was actually a fixer-upper when we first brought it a year ago, and to all his credit he worked bloody hard getting it sorted for us. I think a huge part of it is confidence for him - he is absolutely capable of all of this but very low in confidence on it (come on hugely since we had children and he started working for himself) - I then wanted to support him so picked up all the bits to help him and now life has gotten much more complicated for me (full time job, promoted etc) my role hasn't changed. I also think roundabout has a point up until 18mths ago I worked from home as a consultant on a pt basis and enjoyed doing all the mum things. I feel like I'm judged for not doing all these things, I don't know if this is true or not but it is how I feel.

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 16/12/2016 16:29

He won't use a computer but apparently runs a business? What a joke.

Randytortoise · 16/12/2016 16:31

I find it so difficult to let it go, but the more I do the more slack dh is picking up and it is making life so much easier despite him not doing it my way

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