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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about dying

32 replies

pinkstinks · 16/12/2016 07:59

Is this a really weird thing, someTimes I will be just having a normal day, cooking or watching a film and get an unbearable twist in my stomach when I remember that I will die one day.

Maybe it's imcredibly selfish and naval gazey, I don't think it in a "oh wow how would any one cope" kind of way. Just in a kind of one day I won't be here and I won't know and what does it all mean kind of way.

I know that humans have probably pondered this for a long time, it's not something that plagues me often, maybe once every couple of months and sometimes I ask brush it aside and sometimes I reflectfor a while. Is this normal?

I volunteer on a crisis line and a call this week has made me make the link in my head this time, So I know it can be triggered by all kinds of things.

Do we all do this? I mean we all know that it will happen but are we all scared of acknowledging it? Does it get better/worse as we get older, if we do? I'm 28 btw.

Deep for pre 8am! Sorry?!

OP posts:

littlemissM92 · 16/12/2016 08:07

I'm terrified of dying and terrified of losing my mum and dad I genuinely do not know how I would go on without them it's the only thing I'm really 'scared of'
Suppose the unknown

BillSykesDog · 16/12/2016 08:10

I read somewhere recently that people who meditate regularly on their own death lead healthier more positive lives as they are able to view the daily events in their lives with greater perspective. So not necessarily a bad thing.

NavyandWhite · 16/12/2016 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsnotmyusername · 16/12/2016 08:29

I am scared of how I may die, and I worry dying young and leaving my children before they are ready (are they ever? But you have to at some point). Saying that I do not worry about being dead. There have been billions of years gone by in which I wasn't a conscious being so I just presume it will be like that. Like before before birth, nothingness. I find nothingness oddly comforting actully.

wishparry · 16/12/2016 08:40

I think everybody worrys at some point about dying.I'm a Catholic and although 99 percent of me thinks I'll go to heaven to be with our lord and all of the loved ones I have lost,there is still that niggling one percent of me that thinks "what if I'm wrong".
I feel awful saying that as I know my faith should be stronger and I should be certain.but yes that one percent makes me worry about dying.

SloeGinandTonic · 16/12/2016 09:56

I think that one you are in that position it is very different. You are possible to ill to care. It is very hard to describe if you haven't been there.

I have been told that I was likely to die. I didn't. I fought it.

The aftermath of surviving when you should have died is a bit weird though. Survivor guilt.

AuntDotsie · 16/12/2016 10:11

I suffer from health-related anxiety, it can creep up on me until I have a panic attack sometimes. So, for me, the key question is whether you feel OK with these thoughts and feelings.

If you're 'just' being philosophical about everything, wondering what happens, acknowledging your own mortality with a little trepidation but mainly positivity, that's cool. If you're constantly dwelling on it, fearing it, if it's getting you down, then that's not cool.

Original poster

pinkstinks · 16/12/2016 10:43

This is really reassuring thank you.

It's definitely not all the time, I'm not constantly fearful of it. Sometimes it just creeps up and I think, wow one day I won't be here anymore, I need to achieve more things and make the most of it. Or working in the helpline when people talk about suiciden it can feel quite overwhelming To be "left" with people's emotions after they hang up.

Yes I think it is the fear of the unknown, no one knows at all. I do agree it's important to be mindful of it as brushing it all away all the time minimises it.

My grandma is catholic and staunchly resolute in her faith, it brings her a lot of comfort, I am almost jealous that I don't believe. I think it's only natural to question and 99% faith is pretty cool.

Its reassuring to know other people ponder these things, when I mentioned it before to someone they said I was morbid but it's not a fascination, it's a general panic and reminder of our mortality that leads to lots of thought.

OP posts:

LuckyBitches · 16/12/2016 11:56

I think about death all the time! Much more than sex, at least. The 'why are we here?' question pops up in my head all the time. Then I start thinking about the universe, and it all gets too much. I'm seriously considering studying philosophy, which I'm obviously cut out for. But back to death - I still can't believe it'll happen to me, but it will, and it's a sad thing. I don't think I believe in the afterlife. I can see why people do - it makes death more acceptable, and who knows anything for sure? I suspect our lives have a meaning that we can't even begin to fathom - the idea that we go through all this for nothing is completely baffling.

But I think it's good to ponder our mortality, it's the one fact of life.

Kmxxx14 · 16/12/2016 12:05

I've thought about it a lot recently. I've just had a baby and I desperately want to be around to watch my kids grow up. I've just had a smear test too and waiting for the results does make me worried about the outcome. It doesn't worry me too much and I've noticed there are times where I would be down or stroppy about something & I'll be reminded that one day sooner or later I will die so why waste my time feeling this way. I enjoy the simple things a bit more when I've been thinking about dying.

I'm not worried about death. If there is an afterlife then great - if not then I'm also quite happy to be just dead (as depressing as that may seem). No stress, no worry just nothingness. I think I'm ok with that.

Kimchi · 16/12/2016 12:05

Just even contemplating death and nothingness for a minute terrifies me. I draw no comfort that I didn't exist for billions of years and didn't know about it. I just push it out of my mind... That is the only thing I can do to cope. And also live each day to the full as best I can

DontTouchTheMoustache · 16/12/2016 12:10

Yes I'm the same OP but think about it very regularly. I wish I could switch it off as it makes things seem quite pointless. Also the fear that it will happen soon, especially now as I'm a single mum to a 10 month old DS and the idea of him facing this world without me scares me more than anything. I also can't get much comfort from the idea that I was essentially "dead" before I was alive because before I was born in was not me, I hadn't existed yet. When I die everything that makes me me is gone so I don't see it as the same

IDismyname · 16/12/2016 12:15

I buried my father yesterday; its made me reconsider all sorts of stuff.

I still have my DM around, but I'm aware of the fragility of life, and how we must make the most of it. I'm also aware of the fact that when the day comes and DM goes, I will have lost 2 of my biggest allies.

One day, I'm going to feel very alone

LaPampa · 16/12/2016 12:34

I have similar anxieties and it's getting worse with small children and getting older. Sometimes manifests itself as an actual panic attack. I am hoping going back to work and having less time for thinking will help (currently on Mat leave).

HotNatured · 16/12/2016 13:06

I don't worry about 'dropping' dead and would much prefer that than dying slowly. I worry more about my loved ones dying and leaving me than me dying.

When I die I won't know anything about it after all

Bearberry · 16/12/2016 13:19

I think about death a lot too. Probably more like once a day at the moment. I've got a 7 month old DD and watching her grow is incredible, but a tangible demonstration of life moving on. My grandad was dying during my pregnancy too, and as one of the closest people too me his death and DD birth have been a bittersweet lesson this year in life and death. I've also experienced some other loses in the last 18 months, having previously encountered no personal grief.

I try not too think on it too long, my worries are more around how quickly we're all moving towards death I suppose. Hand in hand with that goes the fear that my mum and my husband will one day die. I also worry a lot that my DD will die as a baby or a child. In all this death worry I actually very rarely worry about my own death so I suppose my fears are more about life going by to quick and losing my loved ones.

moregingerbreadplease · 16/12/2016 13:25

I have these thoughts all of the time, not about me, but about my family. I get scared when they travel long distances, by plane or car, or that they will get ill and something will happen to them.
I don't know what will happen when they go.
Some days it's not there and other days it is consuming

EmmaWoodlouse · 16/12/2016 15:24

How old are you, OP? I used to get these sudden fears a lot, especially in the run-up to getting married (I think it was because getting married is entering a new "stage" of life so death suddenly felt one step closer), but since I was exactly 40 it hasn't happened once. I've even tried to think myself into feeling it again to make sure I wasn't just in denial, but I just don't seem to be so scared any more. My parents are at a time of life now where they probably won't be around for more than another 5 years at most, and they are both very serene about the thought of their own deaths, so I think maybe it's quite usual to come to terms with it more as we get older.

garbagegirl · 16/12/2016 15:37

I am 34 and I worry about death much more since having my youngest ds (he's 2) and my Gran dying: she was 65. Complained of indigestion for a few weeks, was diagnosed with cancer in the August. Died 2 months later. The shock of that affects me still.
I worry about how my children would cope after I am gone. My family do not have a history of long lives and I need to live a lot healthier than I do now I think but it does worry me immensely. I have 4 siblings and between us there are 14 children. I worry about them all.

I wish I could believe in an afterlife because I could take comfort from that, but I just don't.

Original poster

pinkstinks · 16/12/2016 16:03

to all of you for your losses and also for talking about this and being so reassuring even when it is so raw for so many people.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 16/12/2016 16:07

I am very similar to you OP (but much older - 59 next birthday) - now and then the reality of my own death really hits home.
When it does I think about how I felt before I was born - ie nothing to feel so no need to be afraid IYSWIM.
My head tells me that death is non-existence but my heart believes in a spritual existence after death - but it's a win-win because if there is nothing I won't know about it to be disappointed!

PromisesPromises · 16/12/2016 16:07

Everyone does I think, I get a panicky feeling about it when it hits me the odd time. I remember reading somewhere that the price of consciousness was knowing the reality we have to die. Being an atheist I remind myself I don't remember before I was born and nature wastes nothing.

PromisesPromises · 16/12/2016 16:08

Crosspost with you BW, we think similar

marvelousdcomics · 16/12/2016 16:12

I am absolutely terrified. The fact that I wasn't here for billions of years is NO comfort to me whatsoever. Because although id never been here before, I am here now, and one day that will end. Nothingness is extremely scary. I have panic attacks often thinking about death, and I cant push it out of my mind. I've been this way since about 12, and I have anxiety so that probably makes it worse.

HeirOfNothingInParticular · 16/12/2016 16:13

Pink - your thoughts really resonate with me. I have found though that as I get older I worry about this less and less. I was very ill several years ago, and was in so much pain one night I did not care if I died. The thought of leaving my family even didn't worry me. Come the next morning, the sun shining, pain controlled, I felt different!

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