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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to bloody 'just forget it' again.

50 replies

Iusedtobecarmen · 15/12/2016 19:11

DP and i have been bickering a lot lately. We kind of ignore each other for days and i will try and broach whatever has caused the row and discuss it. He hates this.
His approach is say "come on lets forget it" and all is resolved. Yes sometimes this works but not this time.
He hasnt been bothering much with me lately. Had my hair done and he didnt mention it. We havent had a night out in ages but he doesnt seen massively bothered.
We havent so much as kissed on the cheek past couple of weeks. I feel really sad. I want to just sit and sort the resentment but if i try he gets very arsey and says im causing another row.
So im not saying anything but my stomach is churning with both anger and upset.

I suppose im waiting for him to think enough is enough and want to make up. Double blow is hes going on a work night out sat. Hes not normally a big socialiser but he seems quite excited. I feel unusually jealous that not only is he going out when ive got no nighjts out planned and sensitive to the fact hes going to see lots of attractive women when we have no intimacy right now.
Know that bit sounds strange but hes normally very affectionate with me and complimentary.
I know this all sounds jumbled. Just getting my thoughts out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 15/12/2016 19:13

I guess im.wondering how to play this out. Do i just think fuck it. He will come round eventually. Or do i lose the bloody plot?

OP posts:
ohyecannaeflingpieces · 15/12/2016 19:16

YANBU

I hate the idea of fudging an issue like that. If it's important to you to talk about something, he should have the courage to do it, even if it feels uncomfortable for him. People are so afraid of conflict and it's such an important thing to do well.

gamerchick · 15/12/2016 19:22

I'd be asking him if he wants to split up. Bring the whole thing into the spotlight.

Laiste · 15/12/2016 19:35

Same as gamer really.

I think you need to knock this pattern of behavior towards one another on the head and by the sounds of it the best way to do that right now is to treat it with deadly seriousness.

Tell him you need to have a proper talk or one of you will be moving out.

1horatio · 15/12/2016 19:48

I agree with gamer and laiste.

I think you should definitely talk.

YeOldMa · 15/12/2016 19:54

YANBU, you can't resolve things if you don't discuss what the problem is. It's one thing to have an argument about leaving the lid off the toothpaste and then not discussing it because in future the lid goes straight back on but quite another to leave things simmering until he decided he's ready to forget it. That sounds quite controlling behaviour to me.

If it were me, I'd want to have the conversation about how committed he is to making the relationship work. If he is, that means he has to talk openly about what is wrong and you have to do the same. Maybe professional counselling would be the way forward to stop the rot before the marriage slides into the divorce courts.

ThisThingCalledLife · 15/12/2016 20:07

Well he obviously has communication issues!

Whether that trait is down to nature or nurture is what you need to clarify for yourself.

My ex was like that, 'let it go' meaning 'my feelings/wants/needs are more important than yours', and never being held accountable for his actions; which means Groundhog day for that aspect of your relationship.
Some of it was down to nature as he had SEN, most of it however was due to his conscious decision to act in a selfish and self centered manner.

Well there was no point staying with someone who didn't really care about me or the relationship.

So he became an ex.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 15/12/2016 20:20

DP does this. Apparently it's how his parents handled things. They've now been divorced for 15 years.

keepbreathinginandout · 15/12/2016 20:29

YANBU. the longer you leave this to fester, the worse your resentment and sadness will get. stand firm if he tells you to forget it/let it go/just leave it. you need to open up a discussion where you, and your DH feel like you are both being listened to. ((hugs))

and thanks to ohyecannaeflingpieces i now have the jeely piece song rattling round my heid!

BeachyKeen · 15/12/2016 21:56

No frigging way would that shit fly here.
If someone is not grown up enough to sort through issues, and can't handle facing problems, they need to be single

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 22:34

Well if he continues to bury his head in the sand you r resentment will just grow and it will slowly kill any remaining love and respect you have for him Sad. If you take gamerchick's advice (and I would, it's good advice) then at least there's a chance of rescuing the relationship. Otherwise it's going to end up in terminal decline. Might take years to finally die, but die it will.

strawberryletter23 · 15/12/2016 22:45

My stomach is churning reading this. His behaviour is dodgy. Don't feel bad broaching it with him. Either something is happening or not - asking about it in a ' casual' way should give you your answer, at heart.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 15/12/2016 22:55

Sorry for delay. Ive been to my sisters.
Hes deffintely not controlling. Im the boss!
Hes not a big talker. I am.
I think he thinks im upset over nothing so nothing serious to discuss. Thinks just a normal falling out.
This time though im upset. Butvibthink he thinks its just a moan.
He will just say hes happy with me so whats the issue.
Im at work all day tomorow and then hes out Sat. So no opportunity to speak!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 16/12/2016 19:14

Anyone give me any words of wisdow.
His work night changed to tonight due yo some collegues not able to make tomorrow..So he came home eagerly getting ready like he cant wait to get away from me(probably my imagination). No chance to talk of course and its not even on his radar anyway.
I kept conversation neutral as nonway wasni going to have him accuse me og moaning or starting a fight. Forgot myself for a moment and wentnon aboutbsome trivial matter. He looked exasperated.like i was a child.
Anyway,he goes out and im both fucking furious and got tears in my eyes.
I havent been out for yonks either with him or friends. I love going out and getting glammed up. I dont begrudge him a night out as his social life worse than mine. I feel sad hes happy to be going out (to quite a young bar)while i sit at home feeling invisible.
When he does (rarely)go out im used to jokely saying "dont eye up any nice girls"
For him to say "no one nicer than you"
Sounds cheesy but its a joke and he always paid me lots of compliments. Tonight he doesnt give a fuck.
I hate to play silly games but i have no opportunity to go out and make him feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 16/12/2016 19:18

Excuse typos

OP posts:
Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 16/12/2016 20:12

Anyone?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 16/12/2016 20:16

I think you're totally overthinking him, going out. When groups of men go out, it's to have a laugh & unwind, not to chase women.
Do think you need a bit of a chat about your future though.

1horatio · 16/12/2016 20:17

Not sure what to say.

You don't deserve this and it sounds like you're too good for him.

Have an honest, open and calm (!!) talk. If nothing changes you probably need to leave him for the sake of your own wellbeing and sanity.

Take care

1horatio · 16/12/2016 20:18

But I don't think he's necessarily going out to cheat on you.

But you seem to be very unhappy with the situation and negatively affected by it.

So, something has to change.

Original poster
Iusedtobecarmen · 16/12/2016 20:53

No i dont think he is going out to cheat. He is such an easy going guy normally. Reliable. And we have been together many years. Im feeling a bit fragile as hes gone out when we are not on good terms.
I feel a bit crap about myself.

OP posts:
1horatio · 16/12/2016 21:03

What would make you feel better? A workout? Bath? Chocolate? Music? Candles? Meditation (that one really works for me)?

Can you treat yourself?

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 16/12/2016 21:03

Are you able to go out this weekend and meet up with friends, even for lunch or a drink?

Chocness · 16/12/2016 21:05

Can you message/phOne him and tell him you are really upset about things and need him to come home at a reasonable hour and in a reasonable condition to talk to him about it? It sounds like you really need this and if he cares then he will compromise on his evening in some way or at least suggest an alternative to give you the time to talk about what is upsetting you.

bunnylove99 · 16/12/2016 21:08

Go and pour yourself a glass of something, run a bath and try and relax. I think you are over thinking things too. Everyone is stressed out at this time of year and things which wouldn't be an issue become one. It's possible he's cross because he thinks you are making a big thing out of very little (in his male eyes!), on the one night a year it's his work Christmas night out. I really hope you get it sorted tomorrow.

bunnylove99 · 16/12/2016 21:10

1horatio- a workout?? I wish I was that kind of woman.....lol Grin