To not want to bloody 'just forget it' again.

[Iusedtobecarmen]

DP and i have been bickering a lot lately. We kind of ignore each other for days and i will try and broach whatever has caused the row and discuss it. He hates this.
His approach is say "come on lets forget it" and all is resolved. Yes sometimes this works but not this time.
He hasnt been bothering much with me lately. Had my hair done and he didnt mention it. We havent had a night out in ages but he doesnt seen massively bothered.
We havent so much as kissed on the cheek past couple of weeks. I feel really sad. I want to just sit and sort the resentment but if i try he gets very arsey and says im causing another row.
So im not saying anything but my stomach is churning with both anger and upset.

I suppose im waiting for him to think enough is enough and want to make up. Double blow is hes going on a work night out sat. Hes not normally a big socialiser but he seems quite excited. I feel unusually jealous that not only is he going out when ive got no nighjts out planned and sensitive to the fact hes going to see lots of attractive women when we have no intimacy right now.
Know that bit sounds strange but hes normally very affectionate with me and complimentary.
I know this all sounds jumbled. Just getting my thoughts out.

It really helps with pent up frustration...

I know, it sounds stupid (or like a humble brag) but once you've found the right sport for you (something you genuinely love) it's just awesome.

I also like to just listen to music and do some reps. Shrug.

horatioi ve had a bath. Im having some wine. Gonna paint nails and catch up on telly. I do love time on my own just not when we have fallen out!
choc i wont contact him. He hardly goes out so not gonna be a drama queen. It would be nice if he texted me but unlikely.
Judd im desperate to go out but no opportunity. Working all weekend.
I live miles from work mates so nearly always miss work events
My sister who im close to is super busy.
One best friend has a very busy social life and does lots with her dh. I do see her but lately i feel like im just squeezed in.
I love going out and getting dolled up. Looks like its not going to happen.

I dont work out but love walking. Walk miles(while talking to myself😀)

Great, that sounds good.

Can you be proactive and make sure you have plans next week? Or after Christmas?

Or just get dressed is tomorrow or for Sunday, even if you do work? Looking smart can really improve my mood :)

*dressed up

Men and women argue differently.

www.independent.ie/style/sex-relationships/men-and-women-argue-differentlyno-they-dont-yes-they-do-no-they-dont-they-damn-well-do-26328692.html

horatio
I always dress up!i always make an effort. I dont slob about
Im off work monday and taking dc out. I will focus on that. Chrismas day i go to town with clothes and make up!

I didn't mean to imply you're a slob. I personally have to look professional for work. But there are still days I make a bit of extra effort.

Do you think you are being a drama queen OP? it sounds like he has conditioned you into thinking that you are if you express something that's not to his liking/he wants to talk about. I don't think you sound like one rather, you sound very upset about stuff that needs airing ASAP rather than adding it to other stuff that's been festering.

Oh god i know you didnt mean i was a slob! I came across wrong.
I meant i make an effort on daily basis, but days off work etc i make am extra effort. Im not the type to sit in my pyjamas unless its bedtime.

Yes he is controlling. You are definitely not the boss if he dictates what can and cannot be talked about. His stance is toxic, your relationship cannot flourish until he learns to communicate.

luse

I'm totally that type. Well, not a pyjama, but workout clothes or something comfortable.

I suspect you're better at looking smart than I am :)
But I do think you have to talk about this and you certainly deserve recognition!

You obviously need to talk. It's just ridiculous to ignore each other for weeks. It's really awful for the children too!

I would tell him "we need to talk, I don't want to argue, I just think we can't go on not talking to each other for weeks on end".
If he refuses to talk to you I'd suggest counselling, if he still refuses then you've got no option but to separate. You cannot live with someone who "makes your stomach churn" on a regular basis.

Honestly? The big issue you have here is form both of you stonewalling each other when you have an argument.

So you end up not talking to each other and then he wants to forget about it all (DH would do that - he has had enough of the atmosphere and wants to go back to a normal routine) and you want to talk about it again (to clear things out but from his POV it means potentially more arguments and more time not talking to each other).

I also think that today the issue has nothing to do with him going out. But everything to do with you feeling invisible and unloved (but then how can you feel loved if you aren't talking to each other - obviously the feeling unloved must be running both ways there too).

Tbh, I would NOT talk about whatever the problem was.
But I would propose some time together, making an effort to be extra nice to each other etc... And then learning how to communicate better (counselling, courses, whatever works for both of you)

Remember he can't control you but you can't control him either.
He can't tell you not to talk about stuff that is upsetting you. But you can't force him to talk when he doesn't want to. Or you can't force'him to solve this an issue the way you think is the best and not his way (as you said it yourself, sometimes, letting things be means they solve themselves anyway)

Also remember that you have no idea if your idea to 'talk' might well be making his stomach churn too. He might well have problem sleeping at night or feel invisible if you aren't talking at all.
He might be very ressentful of you bringing the same issue again and again just to have an argument again.

I'm not trying to tell you he is perfect and it's all your fault.

But from what you have said so far, you both have issues communicating and it will have an impact on both of you.

He is stonewalling.

Not good.

Marjorie.i think you have it spot it. Totally.
However. choc i am a slight drama queen. I willl admit that.
Thanks everyone so much for your comments and support. Its really helping..
He is a decent man but hates any kind of discussion. He definitley gets it from his parents who would absolutely do anything to avoid confrontation. Im the opposite.

Im sorry to have resurrect this thread but i need support.
It has totally 'gone off'again tonight. We have been kind of ticking away ok ish all week. I tried to have a talk,only for him to look super exasperated again. And he made it look like im picking a row. He said i made him tired for work by going on again.
So fast foward tonight. He was discussing something tonight(in a patronising way). I basically had to make the choice in my head whether to sweetly agree with what he was suggesting or be 'awkward' and disagree.
I tried to disgaree nicely only for him to say im being negative again! He said i need to just back off a bit as im doing his head in.
It seems lately i have two choices-either dont rock the fucking boat and make myself miserable or say what i think and make him seriously pissed off.
Cant take any more.

Anyone pleeaase

And it will continue like this until one of you decides to grow up. And, as you cannot control him (although clearly you both try to control each other), you would be wise to do some growing of your own. First of all you need to accept what it is, a dysfunctional relationship. Second you need to let him know that you are not prepared to continue in this way - you either leave or he leaves. You can, if he agrees, try to work on it, but it will not work unless you leave. If you both stay in the house, you will continue in this mess. That's the way it goes.
Sorry to be so blunt but like we've all been telling you, your relationship is very unhealthy and nothing will change until you change it.

I think you need counselling together so you can find a better way to communicate.

It's very hard to know for what you are posting if the issue if him always being negative, you maybe not being as nice as you think or if it's just an issue of a downward spiral which means that each and every time you disagree, he will take it as a confirmation that you are real pain(self filling prohecy because when he reacts like,this, your u are likely to react as well and be 'difficult' iyswim).

In the mean time, the only thing you can change is your reaction.

You can try to be very non commital when he is breaching a subject that you dont agree with. Neither agreeing but not disagreeing with him.

Don't systematically broach a subject that you disagree with so that you 'can talk about it' and then 'sort it out'. I know this is against the usual advice, to solve a problem you need to talk. Except that not everyone can do that or can cope with it. My own DH absolutely can NOT do a 'let's talk to solve a problem'. He is worried about arguments (he can't stand them in any shape or form). It's at the point that he will say YES to anything, even if he doesn't agree, just to then not to do what he has agreed with or will get a huff.
In that case you need to be creative and find other ways to raise issue wo raising them.

Avoid the 'YOU' sentences (YOU always do xxx) and try 'I' sentences (When we have little money on the account, I feel scared and worried. I much prefer when we always have £100 there) as well as any judgemental comments etc...

Sometimes, just let go and resolve not to raise any issue for a while rather than just when it arises. As yu said yourself, sometimes issues solved themselves on their own. So first of all, wait and see if it just solves itself. Think about it and see whether it is a really big issue or not. Let it be for a while. And then, if it is still n issue, try and bring it up.
I suspect you will find that there won't be nearly as many 'issues' that are worth exploring as you think.

Dh and I got into a rut similar to this. I then miscarried a much wanted baby at 13 weeks in January and it all blew up massively. I don't want to go into lots of detail but we got to the point where it was make or break. In fact, I made him leave the family home. He begged me to go to relate with him and I had nothing to lose so we did. It changed our marriage. It was honestly the best thing we've ever done. The councilor helps you to have the talks in a measured way. They don't take sides. It's £40 ish a session and we ended up spending about £500 but it was worth it. Good luck.

Also, if he thinks you are always negative, maybe look at your own behaviour and see if

• you tend to catastrophisme quite easily
• you tend to get scared easily. Fear can be a big factor in seeing everything in a negative light.

I'm not saying you are but I personally know that some subjects do create fear in me (e.g. Finances and earnings). If I am not careful, I can easily barge in with a long list of things that we HAVE to do, imposing stuff on DH that are neither fully necessary, nor adequate (because it might work me but it's not working for him iyswim).

Last word is:
If your DH is a decent man, you changing your behaviour/reaction to things will help him change too. Simply because if he is always stressed out in anticipation by your reactions, and is in effect in a fight or flight reaction, he will NOT be able to make rational decisions. Removing the stress on his side by changing your reactions will help him change.

HTH (and maybe still go and see a counsellor too)

I got into this problem with my ex. He wasn't a big talker and thought when a row was over, that was it and he never wanted to talk about it again because it would end up with one of us being upset/angry which would cause another argument.

I hated leaving things and had to talk things over - in my eyes, if we talked, we could see where we went wrong and avoid it happening again. To him, this was starting the argument again for no reason.

I'm now with someone else who insists on going over old arguments and it now drives me crazy! We rarely ever row, but even if we disagree he likes talking it out. I would rather apologise and move on - my days of arguing for hours are over!

I suspect there is a happy medium somewhere in the middle, but I don't think not wanting to draw out arguments or go over old problems makes him a bad person.

Some good advice here. Relate helped me and DP at a very sticky time.

My relationship with a man broke down because I constantly went on at him to discuss things, get things out in the open, demand to know why he said that or this. He said I was negative, picking at him, getting at him and couldn't we just live our lives rather than discuss every little detail.

He was right - and he was wrong. Happy medium as Hermione said. In the end we split. And it had been six years. There were major issues and we did need to talk more - but he was a nice guy - and I could have just let it go sometimes. He said he felt hounded.

I have been on the receiving end of this too - especially in the early days when kids were young and I was so tired, not really interested in sex and trying to work as well.

DP "What's wrong"?, "You look miserable",
Me - "No I'm fine, just tired"
DP "Are you sure, you seem cross and you have hardly looked at me since you came in "
Me "I'm tired that's all - I just need to have five minutes to myself"
DP "You are always tired - what have I done this time?"
Me "Nothing. I'd just like five minutes peace before I start the cooking" -
DP "There you are, you are pissed off - I knew you were - and it isn't always you who does the cooking. I'm tired too but I don't take it out on you"
Me "I'm fine - can I just drink my tea please?" (Irritated)
DP "Why don't you ever want to talk about it?
Me "About what??!!"
DP "About the fact that you are always off with me, you hardly speak to me when you get in, we never have any fun anymore, - or any sex"
Me " Oh FFS!!!!"

Sometimes it will sort itself out in its own time and we all need a bit of space for ourselves I am not saying that this is your relationship - not at all - I am saying this was mine and I have learnt that not everything needs to be forensically discussed.

If you are unhappy it needs to be resolved but I don't think that forcing him to talk - or "someone will move out" - is going to help matters. I think I'd give him a bit of space, do some stuff for yourself, (go out, see people, get "glammed up" and enjoy yourself), and I think the chances are he will come round. Then there will be an opportunty to talk when it isn't so confrontational and you are feeling better.
Good luck OP.