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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my friend keep something my dad wants back?

54 replies

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:23

I have known my best friend for about 25 years. She is like a sister to me.

About 20 years ago, she was helping me move out of my family home and I gave some stuff away to her. One of these things was an unusual statue that my dad used to have displayed in a shop he owned some 10 years before that. It ended up in my room and so I just thought of it as mine, and gave it to my friend - although, looking back, I totally should have asked my dad first. But I was a selfish teenager and not particularly on good terms with my dad at the time.

When I gave it to her, I told her if she ever wanted to get rid of it, to let me know first as I'd take it. She has kept and cherished it all this time, and as it's so unusual people often comment on it and she gives them the back story.

Last weekend I stayed her house, and sent a photo of it to my dad saying "remember this guy?". I'm sure I've mentioned it at some point during all these years but he seemed genuinely surprised.

He then asked if he could have it back! He feels it's a part of his history. His sister has a matching one, and he says every time he sees it he feels like asking if he can take it home.

I apologised to my dad but said I couldn't, because I'd given it to my friend (I think she's had it longer than he did!). He said he understood, but said he would pay a good price for it.

I feel terrible about the whole thing, and my friend is upset too. She really doesn't want to give it up as it is a part of her home but now feels obliged to. I think especially as my dad has had a serious illness recently which has made him a bit more sentimental than usual.

I know I could probably make her give it back and make my dad happy (especially if he gets ill again and his time here is limited) but I feel that the rightful owner is my friend. AIBU in letting her keep it?

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 14/12/2016 13:24

It wasn't yours to give away OP. You should feel awful.

sonjadog · 14/12/2016 13:25

How old is your Dad? Could he have it back with the agreement that when he is gone, she will get it back again?

Costacoffeeplease · 14/12/2016 13:26

How is your friend the rightful owner?

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 13:26

Where did your dad think it was all this time?

user1471545174 · 14/12/2016 13:26

YABU and so is your friend.

SpotTheDuck · 14/12/2016 13:26

Yes sorry I think yabu. You say it "ended up in your room" but to me that doesn't mean it actually belonged to you. It was a family item, that obviously had some meaning to your father and his sister as they had matching ones.

It wasn't yours to give away (as you acknowledge) and as your friend now realises this she needs to return it to your father.

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:27

sonjadog I did think of that but..I don't like to think like that iyswim. He is 75. He might get ill again and not have much longer or he could live to a hundred like my gran did.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:29

MinesAGin he hasn't ever mentioned it! He has moved house countless times and has a LOT of stuff, loads of knick knacks from his businesses etc.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 14/12/2016 13:31

Is this a reverse? I'm struggling to see why you are being so casual about giving away your father's property. How would you feel if something you loved but thought had lost forever turned up in someone else's house, but when you asked for it back, was told "well, they've had it for so long, I feel like it belongs to them not you"??

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:31

To be honest, we've never really had a 'that's yours, that's mine' mentality at home. More 'what's mine is yours'. That doesn't excuse me giving it away though. He didn't mention it at the time it went 'missing'. I could literally go to his house now, pick up any item and ask if I could keep it and there is no way he would ever refuse.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2016 13:31

As much as I agree you should not have given it away, I'm curious as to why your father never asked where it was all these years, he must have known it was gone. So maybe it wasn't so important to him?

Personally, I would let her keep it. She's had it a long time, longer than him and it doesn't seem he cared enough to enquire when it originally went.

Milklollies · 14/12/2016 13:31

Yabu give it back to him. No excuse can change the fact that it's his, you had no right to give it away so just kindly explain to your friend.

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:32

No, not a reverse.

OP posts:

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:33

tigermoll I'm not being casual about it, I feel terrible about it.

OP posts:

CanandWill · 14/12/2016 13:34

Give it back to him and your friend is being ridiculous.

NotAPuffin · 14/12/2016 13:34

It wasn't yours to give. Give it back to your dad.

Arfarfanarf · 14/12/2016 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NathanBarleyrocks · 14/12/2016 13:34

YABU & your friend should feel terrible for even considering keeping something that actually belongs to your Dad. It shouldn't even be up for discussion. Shame on your friend.

SpotTheDuck · 14/12/2016 13:34

You say there was a "what's mine is yours" mentality - my family is similar, but that means that family items may move around within the house/between different family houses now we're older. It doesn't mean you can give something away outside of the family, I would always check with the rest of the family before giving away something that wasn't originally or definitely mine.

You've acknowledged that you should have asked your dad before giving it away, and were being a selfish teenager. So you know you did wrong at the time, and now you need to make it right.

CanandWill · 14/12/2016 13:35

And your friend should feel obliged to. It was only lent to her. I love would be mortified if I was her.

SpotTheDuck · 14/12/2016 13:36

And I don't find it surprising at all that he didn't ask about it - if he has a lot of knick knacks and has moved house, he's probably assumed it got lost somewhere on the way. He wouldn't necessarily have remembered it was in your room last. He's obviously remembered it and misses it though as he commented on always wanting to take his sisters.

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:36

Ok, I think I might have another conversation about this with my friend, now that she's had a chance to get her head around it. She did feel terrible about it as well, but just that is has become hers after owning it all this time.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/12/2016 13:38

You and your friend are being unbelievably selfish.

Your dad has been seriously ill, too?! And you don't want to give him back HIS statue, which you gave away to your mate without even asking him?

Christ. Ok. If you genuinely want to know what the right thing to do is, it is this:

Retrieve the statue.
Give it back to your dad with apologies.
Don't steal anymore of his stuff.

HTH

tigermoll · 14/12/2016 13:39

I know that he hasn't had it for 20 years, but that doesn't mean he somehow "doesn't care about it". He probably assumed it had been lost in a movie, or was still in the house somewhere. He is unlikely to have assumed that you gave it away to a friend without asking. When you sent him the picture and he realised it was neither lost, broken or in the house, he very naturally asked for it back. Just because he hasn't been banging on about it and how much he misses it for 20 years doesn't mean he has forfeited ownership.

Original poster

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:39

Arfarfanarf I thought about that too. But not only is it highly unlikely to get a copy (it's very very unusual!) both my friend and my dad are attached to it's history (it was a well known shop).

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