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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my friend keep something my dad wants back?

54 replies

cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:23

I have known my best friend for about 25 years. She is like a sister to me.

About 20 years ago, she was helping me move out of my family home and I gave some stuff away to her. One of these things was an unusual statue that my dad used to have displayed in a shop he owned some 10 years before that. It ended up in my room and so I just thought of it as mine, and gave it to my friend - although, looking back, I totally should have asked my dad first. But I was a selfish teenager and not particularly on good terms with my dad at the time.

When I gave it to her, I told her if she ever wanted to get rid of it, to let me know first as I'd take it. She has kept and cherished it all this time, and as it's so unusual people often comment on it and she gives them the back story.

Last weekend I stayed her house, and sent a photo of it to my dad saying "remember this guy?". I'm sure I've mentioned it at some point during all these years but he seemed genuinely surprised.

He then asked if he could have it back! He feels it's a part of his history. His sister has a matching one, and he says every time he sees it he feels like asking if he can take it home.

I apologised to my dad but said I couldn't, because I'd given it to my friend (I think she's had it longer than he did!). He said he understood, but said he would pay a good price for it.

I feel terrible about the whole thing, and my friend is upset too. She really doesn't want to give it up as it is a part of her home but now feels obliged to. I think especially as my dad has had a serious illness recently which has made him a bit more sentimental than usual.

I know I could probably make her give it back and make my dad happy (especially if he gets ill again and his time here is limited) but I feel that the rightful owner is my friend. AIBU in letting her keep it?

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:41

SpotTheDuck yes I understand what you mean, although I do think of her as family. She is like a sister to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:43

Thanks all, I can't believe how inconsiderate I am being. I will get it back to him. That's another thing...it weighs a ton, and I don't drive! They live about 2 hours apart!

OP posts:
CaraAspen · 14/12/2016 13:47

"cakedup

sonjadog I did think of that but..I don't like to think like that iyswim. He is 75. He might get ill again and not have much longer or he could live to a hundred like my gran did."

That is a despicable thing to write or say. Are you for real?

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:47

I just text my dad (he is abroad at the minute) apologising (again) for giving it away and that we will arrange to get it back to him. Just now need to let my friend know Sad

OP posts:
CaraAspen · 14/12/2016 13:49

And yes, your father deserves to be given HIS property back. Did you "really" have to ask?

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:50

CaraAspen I really don't know what you mean. Someone asked me how old my dad was with regards to letting my friend have it after he's gone. I don't know what twisted meaning you gave to that, but I'd want my dad to live forever if he could.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 13:50

Surely he can't have been that attached to it if it was stored in your room, vanished for years without a trace, and has only recently been missed??

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:51

You'll notice I said I don't like to think like that iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 13:55

shovetheholly it was probably bad timing I sent the photo actually, he is staying at his childhood home at the moment so I think he is feeling particularly sentimental. But as I said...he has loads of stuff, much of which is from his old businesses. He has given me loads of bits and pieces in the past and I've told him I don't have any sentimental attachment to things and that I'll just sell them on ebay which he was fine with.

OP posts:
HeddaGabbler · 14/12/2016 13:58

I think OP is being given a really hard time here. I have loads of stuff still in my possession from my teenage bedroom that's mine (furniture etc). And mine to do with as I pleased. So I can see how OP finds herself in this situation. it's a mix up; OP didn't kill anybody!

QueenofallIsee · 14/12/2016 13:58

Its your Fathers, you are doing the right thing by returning it. Why don't you ask if he would specifically will it to you when the time sadly comes?

Your friend crying over it is a bit daft, its an inanimate object

Benedikte2 · 14/12/2016 14:01

OP ask you DF if he's ok with friend having the statue back when he no longer needs it -- then put a sticker underneath with friend's name on it.

bumsexatthebingo · 14/12/2016 14:01

I think it is you that needs to put this right. Your dad needs his property back but I can see that your friend is going t be a little disappointed that you have given her a gift and are now taking it back when she has thought of it as hers for years. You owe them both a big apology.

shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 14:03

caked - Yes, it sounds like that's the case. You caught him at a bit of a vulnerable moment. I would maybe wait and speak to him and gently ad diplomatically explain that your friend loves this thing and that it's going to upset er a little. It may be that this is terribly important to him and he insists, or it may be that he simply says "Oh, I was feeling a bit soppy, honestly just leave it, it's fine and nice to know someone else is treasuring it".

I think people have very different attitudes and attachment to "stuff". My PIL are incredibly attached to everything and thus (by definition) attached to nothing at all because all objects are really levelled by this overburdening with sentiment. My parents are attached to almost nothing, but if you did take away the one or two things they are genuinely sentimental about, they would notice straight away and be really upset. I would not necessarily return the statue to the former, but I would to the latter - because in the latter case it would be irreplaceable.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/12/2016 14:03

Yabu give it back to him. No excuse can change the fact that it's his, you had no right to give it away so just kindly explain to your friend.

Completely agree.

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 14:08

Thanks HeddaGabbler.

QueenofallIsee everything will go to just me and my sister (and she definitely won't want it). I can't bear to mention his will to him.

bumsexatthebingo yes I do and have apologised sincerely to them both. I don't have a lot of things with sentimental value but I'm going to have a look around and see if there is something I have to give to my friend instead and make sure it never belonged to anyone else in the first place .

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 14/12/2016 14:10

It's his. You should never have given it away

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 14:14

shovetheholly that's a really good way of putting it, both my dad and even my friend is like your PIL. I have a tendency to give away things people like of mine...however, there are a few items that I really cherish. I will however, give one of those items to my friend as that is the only way I can think to make it up to her.

OP posts:
MsMims · 14/12/2016 14:14

You're doing the right thing OP. I would be mortified if I was your friend and give it straight back, so hope she is understanding and doesn't make you feel guilty.

FearandLoathinginLasVegas · 14/12/2016 14:15

Your dad had clearly forgotten about it.

Your friend has cherished it.

I would let your dad off the money if he has it, but wouldn't get your friend to give it back.

As a teenage you don't think about things like that, clearly it was wrong, but don't beat yourself up about it too much.

Gazelda · 14/12/2016 14:16

It seems to me that it was an unfortunate mix up. You shouldn't have given it away, but you didn't do it maliciously!

But I think your friend might be being a bit stubborn here. Its an ornament (I think). It has no function or purpose. She won't be out of pocket if it goes back to Dad, she won't have to replace, and surely she can see that Dad has a more sentimental attachment to it than she does? It was in his shop for 10 years. Yes, he's not known of its whereabouts for decades, but its a memory for him.

I hope your friend gives it back.

Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 14:19

I know she has cherished it so I always felt reassured over the years (when I had slight moments of regret) that it was in a good home iyswim.

I do feel terrible about the whole thing but it was easier to deal with because in his eyes I can do no wrong. When I apologised to him about it he said "It's ok darling, I know what generous and soft-hearted person you are." That makes me feel even worse!

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedup · 14/12/2016 14:22

FearandLoathinginLasVegas she would never take the money. And you're right, I really just didn't think about it at the time. I've certainly made worse decisions as a teenager!

Gazelda you're right, but equally, my friend has 20 years worth of memories living with it!

OP posts:
tigermoll · 14/12/2016 14:23

I'm not sure it is "clear your dad had forgotten about it" as some people are suggesting.

When I was about twelve, I was given a silver bracelet, which got lost. I looked for it, but couldn't find it. I haven't been going on about it in the intervening decades, or periodically asking everyone if they know where it is, because I assume it is gone forever. But if I found out that someone took it 20 years ago and still had it, I would expect it back. And if they said "Oh, but I really love it too and clearly you didn't care about it, so I think it's mine now" I would not be very impressed.

RainbowJack · 14/12/2016 14:24

cakedup Can you find another statue for your friend online, as a Xmas or Birthday gift?