Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SS involvement in Pregnancy

40 replies

HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 10:03

Hello, so I am pretty anxious to know what's going on, sorry if this isn't the place however I know il get replies quite quick on here.

I was referred to SS 3 weeks ago simply because my ex was abusive (mentally), however I've heard NOTHING from SS at all. No calls and no letters.
I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, I did check with the mental health nurse I saw yesterday and asked if it was because they don't get involved until 24 weeks however she said no, that they take referrals from 16 weeks and if concerned will contact straight away, the nurse thinks it's a great thing SS haven't been in contact.

Still bloody worried though, does anyone know why I haven't been contacted yet??

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 10:07

I would trust the nurse that they're not currently worried. If you're no longer in contact with your ex it's probably just a case of flagging the issue with SS so they're aware of it in the future if you were to get back together.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel · 14/12/2016 10:08

I had ss involvement when DD was born, due to past MH issues. I heard nothing until DD was born, then they came to see me at the hospital (I was there a week, they visited on about day 5).

Please try not to worry.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 10:36

A part of me wants to call them myself and check however I worry about "involving" them myself.

My ex and I have absolutely no contact now & as far as i am aware he doesn't want contact come when the baby arrives.

However should he decide to change his mind which is highly likely (you know to look like the doting dad to all his full time father friends) I'm sure he'll make an appearance once he receives a letter from CMS.

I have put things in place and plans should he change his mind.

I.E days and times & places for him to have contact (in my presence).

I have also been advised to ensure I have the above plan and that it is on my terms and solely works for the baby.

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:39

I think it would be a good thing to call and check to put your mind at ease. It could also display to them that you are conscientious about cooperation and working together for the best for your baby. Congratulations and try not to worry.

mouldycheesefan · 14/12/2016 10:41

If he does decide he wants contact it may be better to do it in a contact centre where it's a more managed environment social services may be able to help you with that

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 10:43

I think there's no harm in calling to check what's going on. It sounds like you have everything together and if anything SS could help you in ensuring that if your ex does insist on involvement it's all on your terms and in the best interest of your DC.

Heirhelp · 14/12/2016 10:46

I would give them a ring and say you are anxious and ask them for advice about how to safeguard your baby from abusive ex and organise contact.

NavyandWhite · 14/12/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mungobungo · 14/12/2016 10:56

Contact your midwife or local safeguarding midwife. Often as referrals go through them. The safeguarding midwife may have requested information about you and ex partner from ss but deemed you not at risk and therefore have closed your case at a lower level. Requests for information are common in the initial stages and if nothing concerning comes up, it may not be passed on as far as a ss referral.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 12:18

Just rang SS myself as the woman who said she made the referral isn't in (DV organisation)

SS haven't received anything for me at all, I'm not on their system.

Wtf does that mean??
Did she decide the risk was low and not bother or has she forgot? I literally don't bloody know!

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 12:20

Flowers it sounds stressful, it might well be that she decided that was no risk. I wouldn't worry at all from here on. You're not in the SS system, you're away from your ex, you have a plan already if he attempts to get in contact. You've done everything right and have nothing to worry about.

DearMrDilkington · 14/12/2016 12:24

I'd imagine they didn't think you or baby were at risk so they didn't need to take any action. It's probably because your no longer with him and it wasn't physical abuse(not that it should make a difference).

Relax and enjoy your pregnancyFlowers

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 12:26

I'm going the chase it up with the woman who said she was referring me as I don't want to have a surprise in a few weeks when I think all is well.

However I am hoping that it's a good thing they've not got a referral, as I can't imagine the woman simply "forgot".

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 14/12/2016 12:27

Since you are under MH they won't be unnecessarily worried. I had MH issues before my DS and was under MH team as well as a psychiatrist so no other agencies got involved.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 12:30

I did ask my midwife if SS would get involved because I suffered from depression & her words were "of everyone who suffered with depression had a referral to SS, we'd need more social workers!"

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 12:33

Please dont plan to supervise contact alone. You would be open to abuse. Use a third party to be present or contact centre. Ask ss for advice and support regarding contact when baby born.

Supervising contact yourself on your own is a very bad idea.

Bogeyface · 14/12/2016 12:55

I agree that you shouldnt supervise the contact alone. He is abusive and that wont stop once the baby arrives, abusive men dont change their behaviour in front of their children.

A contact centre would be the best place. Any personal contact between you and him leaves you wide open to further abuse.

Tbh I wouldnt bother replying to anything he sends, it needs to be dealt with via solicitors and if he really wants to see his child then he will have to go to court, where you can apply for a supervised contact order. If he is serious then fair enough, he will do what it takes, but if he isnt then he wont bother pursuing it (fingers crossed). If he does contact you then pass it on to a solicitor and ask them to reply stating that all requests for contact must go through them. Yes it will cost money but it willbe worth every single penny.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 13:14

Oh I agree with all, I will not be allowing him contact with just myself there.

He's made the situation the way it is, he can bloody well deal with it.

I will ensure I have a "mediator" there.

I thought of his family however he's no respect for any of them either so them being there wouldn't help!

I will ensure that if his mum & sister want to see the baby, then they can come to my house alone.

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 14/12/2016 13:14

Sadly I think there is a good chance your DV worker hasn't got round to referring yet. In her mind it may not be a priority as you're not that close to giving birth.
What I will say is that if you're referred then it doesn't sound like there will be a role for them so try not to worry.

Bogeyface · 14/12/2016 13:18

Just let him go to court if he wants to see the child.

Keep all and any texts, emails, voicemails etc to prove your case about DV, and if SS do get involved then they would help and support you in keeping your child safe, they wouldnt want him having one on one with either you or the child.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 13:57

Unfortunately after the relationship ended, I deleted absolutely everything as I wanted him out of my life.

I don't have anything at all that even remotely links us.

OP posts:
Atenco · 14/12/2016 14:19

Just let him go to court if he wants to see the child

This, and if you aren't married, avoid putting his name on the birth cert. Then he will have no parental rights unless he goes through the courts.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 14:23

He won't be going on the BC purely because by the time the baby is born, we wouldn't have spoken in 4.5 months & by that point I will not be initiating any contact at all. As we aren't married, his name wouldn't be able to be added.

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 14/12/2016 19:54

I would not initiate contact in this situation and if you have any concerns about DV, which you do I would make sure contact is in a contact centre as they will be an independent witness should he do something inappropriate/dangerous and you need to prevent him accessing your child.

Original poster
HappyHappyHappy1 · 14/12/2016 20:45

I won't be initiating any contact, he will only be informed when he receives a letter asking him to cough up a monthly payment for his son.

I'm not worried about being alone with him, he isn't dangerous & im not scared for myself around him....he's just very manipulative, knows what to say to hurt me....I don't want to spend this time building my confidence back up only to have him come & shatter it all over again.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.