AIBU to have Christmas my way?

[CherryCokeFairy]

So up until a few days ago we were having a small low key Christmas with my partner, Granddad, dad & a friend from work - The Christmas plan was to drink lots of wine, Eat a good meal, Snack on good cheese and basically relax. Unfortunately (understatement of the year) my Granddad died a few days ago so in all honesty we're not feeling very festive at the moment. But we still planned to have the Christmas we planned and honor the promises we made to Granddad (making a home made rice pudding using his mums recipe etc)

This is now not the case...

My partners family have invited themselves for Christmas after their plans fell through (they were meant to be going to my partners sisters for Christmas but she split up with her partner a few days ago. I have absolutely no problem with them joining us, but they are absolutely oblivious to pretty much everything. For example we told them several times that we had my dad & a friend coming over for Christmas - they assumed that when they announced they were coming that they would be here on their own - why? I have no idea...

So now we are beginning to hit problems... partners Mum has had a tantrum because I said we won't be playing Facebook games on Christmas day - in her words: "sorry but no one gets to tell me what to do". She then states that she will set up her laptop in the small bedroom and play up there... When I explained that the room was already spoken for by someone who told us their plans 4 months ago she got shitty wanting to know where she would be sleeping... I explained she would be on the (pretty decent and comfortable) sofa bed downstairs and she's not happy.

I'm obviously pretty emotional and upset about my Granddads passing right now and am honestly finding it quite hard to cope with everything including Christmas... I've tried to use Christmas as a distraction so since they confirmed the days they are coming I've altered my food orders with the butchers & vegetable van and have also bought more plates (I only have 6 matching and I like my tableware to match especially at Christmas) I've had to buy more Crackers, a meat alternative as his sister is an almost vegetarian, and generally just adjust my plans for a child being in the house too (along with the 7 dogs - one of which they are bringing), We have also changed our rather rude games (cards against humanity & exploding kittens for 2) to child friendly ones.

But they have said they won't play board games, they don't want starters, etc... If you are invited to someones home for Christmas surely you don't dictate what is or isn't happening? Is it unreasonable to have the Christmas I planned? I'm all for adapting to other people but I'm getting really upset at having to change my plans when they have invited themselves and won't compromise on things we had already planned... and getting shitty about little things like not having a laptop on the dining table when we are all conversing and trying to enjoy each others company....

Think this has just turned into a bit of a rant to be honest.... but usually I would talk to my granddad about this kind of thing and he's not around anymore and I know my partner is as frustrated as I am... I know its stupid but I don't want to uninvite them (partner has offered). They are all living under the same roof at the moment without a dining table or much space... I'd like them to share a lovely Christmas with us - especially our nephew who I would LOVE to spend Christmas with.

Change your network name to something rude.

Ifyouconnectiwillspitinyourgravy

DontBeSoAntisocial

Joininyoufuckers

Am I allowed to swear on this website????

I'm so F*KING ANGRY... and upset.

We spoke to my partners father this morning about staying in the motel and they asked for details of the place at the very least... positive we thought! Nope... We got a phonecall after we had just got back from town buying everything none perishable we needed for Christmas basically saying - We'll come to you on Christmas day before 12am after we have opened all of little ones presents as we don't want to load them all into the car. We tried to explain on phonecall that that wasn't how we wanted things to happen.... (the pleasure of seeing little one open his presents is one of the best bits about Christmas) they weren't having any of it. My partner hung up as he got too annoyed... and we swapped to typed messages in a group family chat.

So it started off with my partner explaining that the motel suggestion was only for mum and dad (and the dog) - the sister kept on going on about how she would need to load the presents into the car the night before and how that's a huge problem... We then explained that it feels like they want to enjoy the magic of Christmas without us and then turn up here for food - we were told that was a stupid thing to say and "have we thought about (little one) in any of this?" *!?@£&^"(!

My partners response was this: How dare you... He's the one we've tried to arrange everything around, he's the reason we offered to have you all here, he's the reason we've opened up our home to allow you to come and enjoy a christmas morning with us

I'd had enough by this point - and gave them an ultimatum: Basically - no, no deal. You either come here for all of Christmas Day and do Christmas with us or you don't come. Have you thought of US is this at all - all we have thought about is (little one) in all of our plans here!

Partner: we've bent over backwards for this. You made it clear coming here wasn't an option for most of the year so we made plans. Then we've changed those plans to try and keep it nice for (little one)

Dad: That's it Christmas is finished i will not be spoken to like that end of

Partner:oh right, so no-one asked, be we offered, and were told that's okay. but when you change your mind.. fuck us? right

Sister:I was quite happy having Christmas here. And no its not fuck you at all at no point have we said that

Sister:Forget it I won't bring my son under a God dame black mail

Partner:and there we are

Partner:Whatever, we've got enough to think about. We've been messed about enough as it is.

Sister:Cherry you have no rights what so ever to say that either we come for the entire thing or not at all that is utter bulls hit and black mail. I will do Christmas with MY son how I want to end of story

Sister: Right so funnily enough you're making this all about what you're going through. I know it's shit and that's why I said in the first place it'd be too much for Cherry for us to come down... I have my son to think of and unfortunately you and Cherry do not come before him when it comes to MY thoughts and feelings and actions

Partner: Cherry can say whatever she likes (sister). She's the one that's tried to arrange all of this and make it nice for all of you. And now it just feels like it's all been for nothing. I know you're having a shit time of things, and I've told you you'd be welcome here and everything else.
We've tried to fit everyone in around other arrangements without having to cancel them, but because some people aren't getting their own way we kind of expected there to be a problem tbh.
we're not trying to belittle anyone elses issues or hold anyone to blackmail

Sister:No Cherry doesn't have a right to say whatever she likes when it comes to saying to your fucking family they either come all day or not at all... it's your fucking mum and dad have some fucking respect... ever thought that you should probably be a little more respectful of them and their wishes aswell... I wouldn't dare speak like that to any ones parents let alone a partners it's fucking disgusting end of story

Partner:but it's fine for everyone to talk to her like crap?

Sister:When have I spoken to her like that up until her sending that message exactly...

Me:I didn't blackmail you - I gave you two options - this is MINE and (PARTNERS) house and we invited you to the whole of Christmas not half of it.

Needless to say they are not coming to our Christmas and yet again I'm a sobbing wreck.

I am so sorry to hear it has blown up like that, Cherry - but applause for you and your dh for sticking up for yourselves.

{{{ hugs }}}

Um, it is usual for Father Christmas to go to the child's home with the presents.

Surely he'll be opening ones from you at your house?

That's how we always did it (after the first year) when we went to relatives on Christmas Day.

Were you really expecting him to wait till he got to your house?

No they were meant to be staying at our house Christmas eve. Little one and sister don't really have a home at the moment, they are staying at partners parents house as sister split with her partner and moved them out of their home.

We've already bought all the food for christmas eve, christmas and boxing day for all of them.

Well, the expense of the food aside, you should be bloody grateful the bastards aren't coming - try to see the bright side.

Just block, ignore and let DH deal with it. It's his obnoxious family and you have enough on your plate. I honestly wouldn't engage any more.

What a shame , there is no helping some folk. Sorry you've gone to the expense of feeding guests who have thrown their dummies out of the pram. I'm sure you'll have a more pleasant and relaxing time without them . Look after yourselves at this difficult time. Xxx

They sound like total arseholes. However, I wouldn't want to stay in a motel on Christmas Eve and it seems you'd already given the impression sleeping arrangements might be cramped so they probably thought they were helping by not turning up until the day itself.

I would just write this one off for all of you and accept you're all doing your own thing separately. Both you and sister aren't in any state to put up with family politics with both having bad news in the last few days.

They all sound like a bunch of twats. They were very fucking cheeky to start with and are just showing their true colours.

Go back to the original plan and have a nice time with the people who matter. If you have loads of extra food would you may be think of donating it to a food bank, or some if it?

I'm sorry it's all blown up like that and the loss of your grandad. I lost my grandmother a couple of weeks before Christmas 3 years ago and then my godfather (who I was close to) on the same day a year later. It sucks.

But I'm sorta with them on to when they were coming. Packing everything into a car can be a pain and it sounded like they had a way to make it a little easier on you. While they were initially being totally U, I feel you've now become demanding and U. Why couldn't they come for Christmas day afternoon. Presumably they'd stay that night and you'd have boxing day together? There has to be some compromise there.

I am on side with the turning of the WiFi off or changing the password so they can't access it.

I realize I blew up and because unreasonable.... but in all honesty I've just had enough of them not compromising on anything but expecting us to compromise on all of our plans despite everything that is going on... The thing with the motel is that it was only a suggestion, they could have said no and we still had time to come up with alternative arrangements. We do have air beds for example... we just thought they might have been more comfortable in a real bed.

The other thing is - they would NEVER get here by 12 as they said... they'd need to set off at 9am and its just not fair for them to rush little one into opening all his presents before he comes either... and I serve my dinner at around 1pm... Yes i would delay it if need be (I did last year when only his parents came up on Christmas day, late) but it made Christmas so much more stressful than it needed to be... The other thing is 6 dogs in the house here... they are bringing theirs and so it will take at least an hour for them to actually settle down once they arrive (impossible to cook around my kitchen when their dog visits during the first hour as he doesn't understand not to get underneath my feet, which isn't his fault... but is something to bear in mind when planning to serve food as they arrive....

I'm sorry it might be unreasonable but I've put my foot down on this one. It is mine and my partners (and friends & my dads) Christmas and one that I want to celebrate in memory of my granddad... They don't want to do what we arranged and have paid for - fine. Don't come. We already had plans before they decided to come and they haven't taken those plans into account at all.

Sorry if this has turned seriously ranty but I've had my cry and I find myself thinking "F**k it" - I'm putting me first for once, something I have never done where his family are concerned.

No, don't you apologise to us, you've done nothing wrong, they're being so thoughtless, ungrateful, and unsympathetic to you when you're grieving for your grandad. I'm gutted that you've wasted your money on food. Take back or freeze what you can, and rather than waste the other bits, see if any churches or shelters could use things for meals they're providing. I bet they'd be delighted with it.

Your grandad would be so proud of you, and your partner sounds great. Have a great Christmas playing the games you want to play, and try not to think about these mad people anymore until after Christmas.

Have a lovely Christmas Fairy!

We're opening stocking and presents at home and going down to my in-laws at lunchtime. Partly because it's a pain to get everything and 4 people in the car. And partly because I think my son will be happiest waking up in a familiar bed. I don't think that's so unreasonable. And I guess in all the heat of this the dog-under-your-feet may have not been given sufficient weight in their decision making. But my in-laws are happy to have Christmas lunch at 3 instead of 1 to make time for us to get to them and relax.

His mum's been really rude. But you've fallen out with his sister instead, who is presumably pretty upset already having broken up with her partner and being homeless. Good news is they're not coming. Perhaps time to build some bridges. It comes across a bit like you don't want the adults, you do want the child a lot and you are insisting you get all of his Christmas - for your own reasons and not his and maybe that's coming across a bit.

Cherry sorry to hear about your grandad, my condolences, I lost my mum earlier this year, so know how you feel.

I think you have to stick to your guns, it is your house and your rules. Dont let them bully you.

To those that say staying in a motel on xmas eve is crap - whilst never ideal, sometimes needs must.

We spent last xmas at my mums small bungalow 2hrs away, she was housebound with cancer and not up to being moved to us. As she has only 2 bedrooms, we also booked a room in a Travelodge nearby. DC (18 & 15) elected to stay there and managed to do so without throwing their dummies out of the pram. They understood the reason and were happy to wake up without us and come to the house for breakfast and presents!! No tantrums, just 2 mature teenagers understanding the situation.

Your in laws sound like complete selfish idiots. Just ignore, freeze as much of food as you can and enjoy your quiet Christmas.

I'm so sorry about your granddad. You are being very kind to try and give everyone a lovely day. They sound awful in general.

However, I imagine they thought it would be easier for you to not have them overnight as you had already said the spare room was taken. Plus that little boy has just had to move out of his home, so should open his Christmas presents in what will be here his home going forward. So, I think YABU about that. All over the country (world) people open their presents at home then go to family for food. That's exactly what we are doing. Christmas eve can be stressful enough without having to fill the car with presents without the kids seeing, get them to sleep somewhere else, worry about them waking at 4 etc. It would certainly stress me out - being in an overfull house.

Sorry to hear about your Grandad cherry, what would he say about it all?! You sound lovely and deserve a lovely Christmas. your dh sounds great too sticking up for you both. I cant actually believe people would expect someone recently bereaved to host Christmas to a massively full house plus dogs, and the swearing over the messages is awful. If I were in your shoes they would'nt be hearing from me for a very long time.

Sorry but I think you are being a tiny bit U.
Your nephew is not Xmas entertainment for you. His mum is allowed to do what is best for him at Xmas, not what is best for you.

You gave them a very unkind ultimatum so you can't be surprised if it has fallen apart.

Enjoy your grandad's rice pudding

Book them into the motel. Tell them that you think they will be more comfortable there than on the sofa bed.

Then just get on with doing the Christmas you had planned. If the mother wants to play Facebook games then she can go back to the motel and do so.

Otherwise, let her play them in the kitchen or somewhere. If she is that antisocial she will be no sad loss to the conversation anyway. That way the only rule needs to be no devices at the table and you can ignore her if she buggers off. Just carry on doing as you want to without her.

So sorry for the loss of your grandad. Very hard for you, especially so close to Christmas. Even more reason to just do things as you want or need to.

Time, read the thread. Always one.

Nephew's mum isn't mentioned as the one causing problems here. That would be his grandma, surely!! OP has even said that she will help him make something for his actual mum.

Again, nobody is really in a fit state to be negotiating all this right now.

From their POV it went:

"We're going to come for Christmas."
"Ok. Actually can you stay in a motel the night before as it's short notice/arrangement not ideal?"
"No, in that case we'll come after presents on Christmas Day."
OP explodes re change of plan

From yours it went:

"Are you coming for Christmas then?"
"No. Actually, yes we will but only if we can be our obnoxious selves."
"Ok - you'll be sleeping on a sofa bed. How about a motel?"
"What! Don't be stupid. Fine, we'll just turn up for dinner."

I am not at all saying they are in the right but none of you are going to agree on this one.