Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have Christmas my way?

87 replies

CherryCokeFairy · 13/12/2016 23:19

So up until a few days ago we were having a small low key Christmas with my partner, Granddad, dad & a friend from work - The Christmas plan was to drink lots of wine, Eat a good meal, Snack on good cheese and basically relax. Unfortunately (understatement of the year) my Granddad died a few days ago so in all honesty we're not feeling very festive at the moment. But we still planned to have the Christmas we planned and honor the promises we made to Granddad (making a home made rice pudding using his mums recipe etc)

This is now not the case...

My partners family have invited themselves for Christmas after their plans fell through (they were meant to be going to my partners sisters for Christmas but she split up with her partner a few days ago. I have absolutely no problem with them joining us, but they are absolutely oblivious to pretty much everything. For example we told them several times that we had my dad & a friend coming over for Christmas - they assumed that when they announced they were coming that they would be here on their own - why? I have no idea...

So now we are beginning to hit problems... partners Mum has had a tantrum because I said we won't be playing Facebook games on Christmas day - in her words: "sorry but no one gets to tell me what to do". She then states that she will set up her laptop in the small bedroom and play up there... When I explained that the room was already spoken for by someone who told us their plans 4 months ago she got shitty wanting to know where she would be sleeping... I explained she would be on the (pretty decent and comfortable) sofa bed downstairs and she's not happy.

I'm obviously pretty emotional and upset about my Granddads passing right now and am honestly finding it quite hard to cope with everything including Christmas... I've tried to use Christmas as a distraction so since they confirmed the days they are coming I've altered my food orders with the butchers & vegetable van and have also bought more plates (I only have 6 matching and I like my tableware to match especially at Christmas) I've had to buy more Crackers, a meat alternative as his sister is an almost vegetarian, and generally just adjust my plans for a child being in the house too (along with the 7 dogs - one of which they are bringing), We have also changed our rather rude games (cards against humanity & exploding kittens for 2) to child friendly ones.

But they have said they won't play board games, they don't want starters, etc... If you are invited to someones home for Christmas surely you don't dictate what is or isn't happening? Is it unreasonable to have the Christmas I planned? I'm all for adapting to other people but I'm getting really upset at having to change my plans when they have invited themselves and won't compromise on things we had already planned... and getting shitty about little things like not having a laptop on the dining table when we are all conversing and trying to enjoy each others company....

Think this has just turned into a bit of a rant to be honest.... but usually I would talk to my granddad about this kind of thing and he's not around anymore and I know my partner is as frustrated as I am... I know its stupid but I don't want to uninvite them (partner has offered). They are all living under the same roof at the moment without a dining table or much space... I'd like them to share a lovely Christmas with us - especially our nephew who I would LOVE to spend Christmas with.

OP posts:
Billben · 14/12/2016 06:48

And as for the "no one tells me what to do" comment, in my house you might be a guest but you do as I say (if I end up having to say it because you are too inconsiderate/thick to click on your own) or you bugger off.

7SunshineSeven7 · 14/12/2016 06:53

Could you turn the wifi off for the day?

TheSparrowhawk · 14/12/2016 06:56

Why are you dealing with any of this??? Your grandad has just died and they are not your family. Why isn't your supposed DP dealing with it?

greenfolder · 14/12/2016 06:58

Dont get it. Are they elderly or infirm? Why cant they do xmas at their house with their daughter?

DownTownAbbey · 14/12/2016 06:58

How on earth do you fit a laptop on a dining table at Christmas lunch? Is she planning on chucking her plate on the floor? In many ways it's probably best if she spends 90% of Christmas Day immersed in Facebook so she'll be too occupied to say anything annoying. Unbelievable! Your Christmas sounds lovely. You sound lovely. Your DH needs to be vocal and help you smooth this over. If they don't like the sofa bed, they need a designated driver or a B&B. How dare they say you can't serve starters! Please be a little bit selfish. I know your PIL etc feel they've had their Christmas thrown into disarray by SIL's break up but if you're lovely enough to step in you get to call the shots Flowers

shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 07:18

I opened this thread expecting to find someone being inflexible about Christmas. Instead, you sound like the loveliest person, who is still trying to please everyone in spite of being obviously grief-stricken.

I would stop all this madness now. Get your DH to send his family a simple email: 'Dear Mum and Dad. I'm sorry to say that cherrycoke and I are going to have to alter our plans for Christmas. The recent death of cherry's grandfather has hit us hard, and we're really not up to socialising this year. I'm sorry if this message disappoints you, but we really need to regroup and have a quiet time to process everything that has happened."

There is no way that people who are this socially insensitive will allow you to have Christmas in a way that is sensitive to your feelings- so I can see little option other than a. be miserable or b. cancel their visit.

ClashCityRocker · 14/12/2016 07:24

Shame your wifi's broken....

QuiltedAloeVera · 14/12/2016 07:25

If your partner 'offered' to uninvite them, then he probably doesn't want them to come either.

Send shovetheholly's email.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 07:33

WTH who even needs to be told not to play Facebook games on their laptop during christmas dinner especially when they're a guest in someone else's home?! Is she 12?

I agree with PPs that this is for your DP to deal with. Make sure he knows your ground rules and it's then up to him to make sure his parents suck it up

Tuktuktaker · 14/12/2016 07:35

I am so sorry for your loss of your Grandad, OP. RIP. (My mother died before Christmas 4 years ago and it does somehow make things worse.)
No, you are not in the least being unreasonable. If you don't get your partner to tell his family that you find now you are too upset to have them round, I'm afraid you are going to have to get him to explain to them that of course you want them to enjoy Christmas together, but it is "my house, my rules", and if they can't respect that, they are not welcome (sorry if that sounds harsh, but the mother sounds an absolute nightmare, like a spoiled teenager!).
I hope the funeral goes as well as it can, wishing you a happy Christmas in the circumstances.

BrieAndChilli · 14/12/2016 07:37

You said your partner was happy to uninvite them
I would get him to tell them that they either do xmas the way you have planned or they don't come, get him to explain you are doing xmas just like your grandad did so it means a lot to you and if they cause a scene they can just go.

ClarissaDarling · 14/12/2016 07:41

Another for wifi off- serve your starters to those who want, those who don't can wait for them to finish- do it your way!

PossumInAPearTree · 14/12/2016 07:41

To be honest if she goes off and plays fb games it sounds like that might be for the best!

WipsGlitter · 14/12/2016 07:42

I was going to ask the same - what are Facebook games?

Sounds ghastly. Agree turn the wifi off!!

unicorn5629 · 14/12/2016 07:45

What a horrid situation for you. I'm so sorry about your grandfather.

I've not got anything useful to add, only to second what others have said. Keep the original guests if happy and uninvite the entitled ones.

Raise a glass to your grandads memory, I wish you as good as Christmas as you possibly can given the circumstanceFlowers

Ragwort · 14/12/2016 07:54

Who on earth plays Facebook games (whatever they are Hmm) on Christmas Day?

Shovetheholly's message is perfect ....... you could add something like -'we would love to host you for a meal sometime in the New Year' if you want to nice, but honestly, your MIL sounds hard work. As someone who is probably the same age as your MIL, I usually try to see both sides but she sounds totally insensitive and self obsessed.

Deepest sympathy on the death of your grand dad. Flowers

amigoingabitcrazy · 14/12/2016 08:13

YABU for even thinking about pandering to anyone's demands at this difficult time in your life.
Please have the lovely relaxed Christmas you want and deserve. So sorry for your loss Flowers

StayAChild · 14/12/2016 08:23

I'm with PossumInAPearTree. It might be worth rearranging the sleeping arrangements just so that she can bugger off to the small bedroom to play her games, leaving the rest of you to carry on as you wish, concentrating on your nephew who must be upset with the recent separation.

I know it's hard as you want the day to go as you wanted it to, for Grandad Flowers, but in the grand scheme of things, let her do what the hell she likes and completely ignore her childish tantrums. Serve whatever you intended and don't waste a second waiting for her to complain. When she starts, have a plan with your partner to fill up your glasses and cheers each other. Smile

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/12/2016 09:38

If you want them to come get OH to tell them they are welcome for Christmas but they will have to fit in around the original plans, and live by the house rules.

Alternatively they are welcome to stay at home and do their own thing.

He should also tell them with the recent passing of your Grandad he does not want you upset further in anyway.

He should make it clear that he will not stand for any nonsense from them.

AutumnalLeaves38 · 14/12/2016 11:16

CherryCoke,

Your original, low-key day, incorporating personal things which honour your DGD, sounded just right...no pressure, and amongst people who have your best interests at heart.

In complete contrast, your DP's Mother sounds astoundingly insensitive and unfeeling (I'm guessing this behaviour isn't majorly out of character?). Truly selfish. And more concerned with her own damn enjoyment than supporting her son's partner through a bereavement Xmas Shock

You came across as such a compassionate, kind-hearted person on the first thread...you certainly deserve better than this extra stress. I hope the 22nd goes as well as funerals ever can, and that you find comfort from other family members blessed with more tact and understanding...
Flowers

LizzieMacQueen · 14/12/2016 11:21

YANBU, sorry for your loss.

Turning wifi off for the day is genius.

spooniestudent · 15/12/2016 16:06

Wtf, how is no laptops during christmas dinner something that has to be said? Do it your way, she's a guest, and if she doesn't like it it's her problem.
I'm sorry for your loss

Original poster
CherryCokeFairy · 15/12/2016 17:41

My partner suggested turning off the internet (He's offered to stop them coming too. He is just acting on my wishes at this point) the problem is that we have turned off the internet before when they have visited so they are suss to us doing it :( It's not new behavior from his mum no.

I don't have contact with my own biological family because of a bad childhood, (Dad and Granddad are adopted) but I really do consider my partners family to be my own too and it is important to me that I at least try to make our nephews Christmas a good one, he will already be upset from his mum and her partner breaking up - He's lost his home as a result.

I'm doing my starter's, I'm also going to set a place for my Granddad at my table, I'm also gonna leave them doing their own thing in the living room whilst I do some crafty things with our nephew on Christmas eve afternoon (possibly make his mum a present if we get chance) and generally I'm just gonna keep myself busy with the food, dogs and tidying. At the moment I just really don't want quiet.... I want to be kept busy and even with the stress, it does help me cope with Granddads passing.

They can't just come for dinner and leave again as they live a 3 hours drive away. I must admit I am tempted to book them into the same motel as my dad...

OP posts:
Neefs · 15/12/2016 17:52

Motel sounds like a really, really good idea OP.

Mum2jenny · 16/12/2016 20:57

Yes, book them into the motel as it gives you the space and privacy you need