How unreasonable was I to have told DH about his sister's 6k debt?

[NameChangeGhosty]

In a nutshell, SIL told me she's being kicked out by February due to landlord selling up and because of her being on housing benefit, it's harder to get a landlord to take her on. So, what she's doing is offering another 6K on top of the initial month's rent in advance, which will be hard for a landlord to let pass if it's his best offer.
Money is being borrowed by Nan.

DH and family know (common knowledge), that she's having to move by February.

DH did not know she was borrowing the £6K from his Nan. It came about that I told him because he wondered how she'd offered to move so quickly and I said "She's borrowing 6K from Nan to help move".

The day later DH told his Mum "By the way, if Molly asks for money don't give her any. She's getting 6K from Nan". Her reply was "there's nothing you can tell me I don't already know Micky " I was given quite a stern look...

That same evening SIL came round with DN and was acting a bit off with me... not horrible but didn't seem as chatty.

How unreasonable was I to have told DH?

Should I have known to keep my mouth shut even though she didn't say "between you and me"?

I didn't think it was that big an issue at the time since she told me about the money like she was listing what was for Christmas dinner

1hor because she spent more than the borrowed amount elsewhere for that year - on luxuries

It's tricky.

You weren't to know that you shouldn't tell your DH. It seems it was common knowledge in the family, and so why would you not realise you shouldn't tell your DH?

If they had asked you not to tell, then you certainly should not have told your DH, but under the circumstances, I can see why you didn't think you couldn't.

Why did your MIL want to keep it from him?

Sorry , xposted.

Hard She didn't want to keep it from him? At least I don't think so. As you say, it's a tricky situation because it's like it's common knowledge but not common knowledge at the same time

I said it as a fleeting comment sort of thing, MIL didn't mention it to him but why would she have if SIL didn't come up recently?

Dh does sound very judgemental, from the sound of it he quite enjoys his position of looking down on her

NameChangeGhosty I'm unsure how to word this so I'll just go for it.

You sound very judgemental and PA about your SIL.

Making sure you drop in choice words to describe her poor spending choices and lifestyle decisions, while pretending to just be giving explanation of your family's dynamics.

I think you also secretly judge some of your SIL's choices and weren't exactly innocent when telling your DH. So it's disingenuous now, in an 'aibu to have told dh', to turn it around to 'I thought I could trust dh but he obviously doesn't approve of sil' to shift the blame or focus.

Accept that you knew your DH would not be impressed that his sister was borrowing 6k from their nan, accept that you knew he'd roll his eyes and tell their mum not to give her more money on top of that, and let him worry about his actions while you are honest about what you did and why.

lauren I dropped in said 'choiced words' to show DH does have background to what he's thinking, it's not just him being an utter twat. She does admittedly spend unwisely and we all know that but I wouldn't choose to say that to her/family, or even DH really

I did admittedly know DH wouldn't be too impressed but I said it in fleeting because he directly asked "How can she possibly afford to move?"

It sounds like everyone else related to your husband knew not to tell him his sister's business for her sake. So it's difficult to see why you felt it was necessary. You do admit that you knew how he'd react - you can't possibly think that telling him was entirely neutral and disinterested. So I think it was unreasonable. You were stirring which is never reasonable.

She is giving the landlord £6k? Why? And why is the nan borrowing £6k or give to her?

Chuck she's giving the landlord £6K because she's on housing benefit and many landlords won't take her. So, if she offers that much upfront it'll be harder for them to resist.

Nan is borrowing it because she hasn't got it

Chuck- I think the OP is using "borrow", as many do, as a dialect word for "lend"

So your SIL and her DC are about to be homeless and your DH is shitty because her nan is helping her? Presumably he has a roof over his head no?

he directly asked "How can she possibly afford to move?
That doesn't make sense - she is being evicted so she has no choice.

I find the attitude that "I tell my dp everything" really pathetic. A confidence is a confidence. It doesn't mean it's fine to tell your dp.
Completely agree.

I'm assuming the nan has all her faculties... then it's her money and her choice what to do with it.

YANBU - it wasn't a secret.

But DH comment about not lending anymore was.

...but it wasn't a confidence Ritchy. At not point did the SiL indicate this were a secret, or that OP shouldn't have said anything to anyone.

NameChange, can you clarify if Nan has this money and is lending SiL her own money, or if Nan is actually taking out a loan on behalf of your SiL ? Because I think that will make a difference to quite a few pwoplw's responses.

Im going against he grain here sil has history of not been able to met the rent she is now borrowing a large sum off an elderly relative for a house, that would be concerning for me especially if it's possible she doesn't repay what she's owes. There is an old lady who could be potentially financially abused. This could be money for her pension,care or even funeral.

Back I can't say if Nan is getting a loan or already has the money in her account because I don't know. She seems to live comfortably but is by no means rich or even well off.

I agree that it is completely my Nans money and her choice what to do with it, but SIL's precious loaning and not paying back history makes DH's response understandable (the response he gave to me, not the rude one to MIL about SIL).

If I was MIL I would be turning a blind eye too in her case. What are Mums for?

He is being an utter twat. It sounds like the 'people he loves' have a bit more compassion for someone who is clearly struggling. Your DH however wants to use a traumatic situation she won't have much choice about to score points.

What does he want her to do? Take your DN and go into a homeless hostel for years on end? Do you know what those places are like? You have an entire family stuffed in just one room as their entire accommodation sharing filthy, broken bathroom and kitchen accommodation. Your children go to sleep every night hearing women being beaten up, abuse being shouted, people drunk, people fighting. They'll often see other children being mistreated and neglected. Their parents will probably be frightened and intimidated and have their stuff stolen out from underneath them. Often mothers are sexually harassed by other residents. And it's almost impossible to get anything done about it.

But, hey, sure, his family should see DN go through that just so your DH can feel smug about his better fortune and enjoy his sister's moral punishment like some sort of Victorian workhouse boss.

Making an issue out of a loan given to help her avoid homelessness just shows he has an incredibly selfish uncompassionate outlook on life.

Is this a reverse?

It is a reverse isn't it? You keep referring to 'my Nan'. But if you genuinely are who you say you are she's not your Nan, she's your DH's.

Bill I've been in a hostel a few times in my life, once a few years back and also a few times as a child.

Was in a scummy area of London and mum made it an adventure - I have no bad memories of it. As an adult it was tough but nothing at all like you describe. I understand that can happens but definitely not always

P.S, I don't deny SIL this money at all and I think if I had that money I'd lend it to her. My only issue is her possibly never really paying the full amount back, but that has to be overlooked right now since she could end up homeless and I don't want that for her or DN

Bill it's not a reverse - I call her 'Nan' in person, DH also calls my Nan his Nan

Namechange- I really don't want to sound like a smart arse. But it would stop people being confused if you used borrow and loan in more conventional ways. Usually, people borrow money from - and lend money to. I know in some dialects it's different, but I think it's making it hard for some people to understand.....

Bert oh right, sorry about that. Thank you for the heads up

Ah. So homeless hostels are a nice adventure for children now are they? If that was your experience you were lucky. I would say that your experience was exception rather than the rule. Have a Google of the effects of homelessness on children. It stunts all aspects of their development including emotional, physical and behaviour and damages their attainment at school and their future life chances. It's not a fun little adventure, it's a damaging and traumatic experience.

So you and your DH think that her family should hang on to their money and watch his sister go homeless? I think his family are the ones who are behaving normally and compassionately here. What do you want his Nan to do? Go on a cruise while her grandchildren are in a hostel? It sounds like you both want to see her punished.

Bill if you bothered to read my last reply to you, you'd know that's not what I want for SIL at all - as I said, even if she won't eventually pay it back, it's a loss family are (rightly) willing to take for the sake of DC

I didn't say hostels are adventures for children but not all of them are that hideous. I've been in more than one myself. However, even if the hostel wasn't that bad, we'd never allow my SIL to go there - DH wouldn't allow it either despite his very petty comments

Chuck- I think the OP is using "borrow", as many do, as a dialect word for "lend"

Thank you for explaining. I was thinking the OP's husband was mad at the SIL for lending money to her uncle. Very confusing.