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AIBU?

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Original poster

Moaning about dh

33 replies

Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:09

So dh has been depressed altho he won't acknowledge this for the last few months, totally changed personality, becoming very verbally abusive towards me and leaving our dc alone in the house to go out drinking with his friends. This weekend he read messages I have sent to my closest friends (they live 500 miles away so we keep in contact through messenger and FaceTime) telling them what dh has done and yes both myself and them called dh a dickhead because of his behaviour. He has gone off his rocker completely saying I have betrayed him and he never thought I would talk shit behind his back and he can never trust me again.

Me and my friends do have a moan about our other halfs it's just how we are and if it wasn't for these friends support I would not have got through the last few months. So my question is wibu to moan to my friends?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/12/2016 11:14

No, not unreasonable.

But the question is, what are you going to do about him?

How old are the kids he left alone and how often does he get verbally abusive?

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2016 11:15

So he can do whatever he wants and you just have to put up with it and say nothing to anyone, ever? I don't think that's fair, though I can see it would be a shock to read that about yourself. I would use it as the start of a serious discussion where you say it was bothering you so much you needed to talk about it because he isn't. And that he must now seek help for his depression and stop the verbal abuse.

NiceFalafels · 13/12/2016 11:16

It's positive to confide in a few special friends about upsetting things. That's what friends are for. To support each other.

No he can't treat you and your kids like shit and expect you to suck it up in silence. Keep his abuse a secret. He should be speaking to you with respectfully.

He's pissed off because other people now about his selfish abusive behaviour. He's been caught out.

He's trying to bully you to silence by saying he can't trust you. But you need all the support you can get right now. You really do.

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:19

Thank you all for the messages just to reassure myself I'm not living in a backwards world where having a moan is somehow a personal attack! He has said he can ever trust me again after this and will be moving out in January. We have been together since we were 16 and have always had a loving happy marriage. I can't quite articulate how angry I am that untreated depression has had this affect on me and my family. And I have given him an ultimatum of going to Drs or leaving before and he has said under no circumstances is he going to the Drs as he doesn't feel he needs to

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DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/12/2016 11:19

You weren't talking shit because you weren't lying. The things he does impact on your life and your family. Best case scenario is that you not keeping his behaviour a secret will shame him a little and influence him to change. Or he might continue to be a dick and blame his reaction on your...

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:23

Decaff he will carry on and blame me. Just feel very upset that I have supported him through all these months where he has been awful and now because I called him a dickhead to my best friends I am now the bad guy

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Butterymuffin · 13/12/2016 11:24

If he's going to be like that, I'd say to him no need to wait till January, go now and you can enjoy Christmas without his verbal abuse.

Joinourclub · 13/12/2016 11:39

Well I for one can understand why he's upset. I'm not one for moaning about my husband to my friends. I might talk to them if there was a situation that was upsetting me, but I certainly wouldn't call him a dickhead. Seeing as he is depressed and vulnerable at the moment it is no wonder that he reacted poorly after reading that. I'm not saying his behaviour is ok, but he's your husband of many years and he is unwell. It's understandable that you're angry, depression is hard on a family, but I think you should apologise for calling him a dickhead. What do you think is the cause of his depression?

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:45

Joinourclub thanks for your perspective. I have apologised for hurting his feelings. When he vents he vents at me and calls me names like dickhead and worse to my face, he says this is better than talking to other people but I would rather not say hurtful things to him when I am saying them in anger and hurt where as he says these things to me and doesn't feel the need to apologise as he didn't mean them.

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Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:46

He has recently started an access course and hanging out a lot with 18-23year olds staying or drinking etc. He has suffered with depression in the past but has managed to pull himself back up but it manifests itself by causing him to despise me.

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Potnoodlewilld0 · 13/12/2016 11:50

Please read depression fallout you can down load it. It was a light bulb moment for me and it gives you massive insight in to the dynamics of having a relationship with someone in the grips of depression.

Just because he is depressed doesn't mean he can get away with being a total dick.

I have two patents with this illness - fucking awful

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 11:58

Thanks potnoodle will do. Smile

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baconandeggies · 13/12/2016 12:05

Why allow him to make your Christmas miserable? Kick him out now.

Mistoffeleze · 13/12/2016 12:11

He has gone off his rocker completely saying I have betrayed him and he never thought I would talk shit behind his back and he can never trust me again.

I would be extremely offended by this. I feel like DH and I have each others' backs. If he were to slag me off to friends then it really would change the way I think about him for the rest of our lives.

The usual suspects will be along (one already has) suggesting that what you did was normal and fair and it's all his fault. There are clearly issues here but what you've done is separate.

"Dickhead and worse". I assume it's much worse for this to be labelled as abusive.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2016 12:14

There is three different things here

1/ his behaviour ,,,,it's not ok. And you need to discuss,
2/ you talking to your friends about it,,,this is ok if seeking support or even just sounding off.
3- you and your friends calling him a dickhead. That's not ok. It's hurtful and I'm sure if you found messages on his phone where him and his mates were calling you a cunt you'd be feeling pretty sore about it too.

SheldonsSpot · 13/12/2016 12:21

Verbally abusive and leaving children alone to go out drinking?

I'm not sure he sounds depressed tbh, more like a common or garden arsehole using the label of "depression" as an excuse for his shitty behaviour.

Won't go to the GP? So not actually diagnosed then.

haveacupoftea · 13/12/2016 12:27

He read your private messages? He needs kicked into touch tbh.

MiniCooperLover · 13/12/2016 12:31

It sounds to me like he's making an excuse of your messages to give him the right to leave and not look the bad guy.

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 12:33

MiniCooperlove that's what I think too. Very sad times

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DailyFail1 · 13/12/2016 12:33

To be honest you're both pretty awful here. It's clear you've lost respect for each other. If you want to make it work then I personally think the next step should be marriage counselling.

ijustwannadance · 13/12/2016 12:40

I'm thinking the same as MiniCooperLover. It's like he's been trying to break you so that you tell him to leave. He's made up finding those messages so you look like the gobshite and not him.

You called him a dickhead because he's been acting like a dickhead. Let him go.

BillSykesDog · 13/12/2016 12:45

I agree with Daily. It sounds like you marriage has broken down and both of you are behaving badly. I imagine if we heard his side of the story without hearing yours you would come off just as badly. It's irrelevant really whether you are using abusive language to each other or to other people. You're both doing it. You should get counselling to try and ensure a constructive break up if nothing else.

Incidentally, IMO diagnosing someone with a mental illness without medical input and when they are adamant there is no problem is abuse.

Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 12:45

Dailyfail1 we are quite a sweary couple and especially when with close friends, and the word dickhead has always been used very frequently between us. Altho I probably was in the wrong to call him that I can't quite concede that I've been pretty awful as his behaviours have worsened over months, and I suppose I have hardened to it and now decided I'm not going to keep trying extra extra hard when it gets thrown right back in my face.

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Original poster
Cuddlequeen · 13/12/2016 12:47

While I am not a gp and don't claim to be I am a hcp and work with patients with depression so I am not making wild assumptions. He was also diagnosed as depressed last year but only saw the gp once and wouldn't go back. His behaviours are now 100times worse.

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gamerchick · 13/12/2016 12:52

I wouldn be letting him stay through the Christmas, why does he get to act how he pleases all the way through while you do the parent thing?

Tell the twat if he's leaving he can go now.

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