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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I am, but is my friend being a bit crap?

42 replies

waitingforsomething · 13/12/2016 01:58

I have a very old friend, we've known each other almost 20 years. We live about 30mins away from each other, although I am currently abroad for a year as my husband is on a secondment. This is about to finish and we're heading home, and I'm just not sure I want to spend time on this friendship with her anymore.

She has been exceptionally crap at keeping in touch, For full info she is a SAHM to a toddler and a school age child. I really honestly don't expect her to be messaging me all the time, but I have dropped her a few 'how is it going' e-mails, 'how are the DC' and 'happy birthday to the DC' facebook messages and she's not responded once. She def goes on facebook as she does 'like' the odd photo and she has seen the messages. She doesn't ask after my DC, or ask how things are going ever, even though I have told her in messages I have been quite homesick. Additionally, my DHs dad died very suddenly a few months ago, we were back in the UK, so I let her know what had happened and that we were going to be home. ' but in the two weeks we were back, she didn't ask after DH, or drop him a text (she's known him 10 years and her DH and he are friends) - I just thought it was a little thoughtless.

a year ago, I got married and I asked her and one other good friend to be a bridesmaid. My other friend told me, afterwards, that she had not helped with any organisation of my (low key) hen party, hadn't helped message other friends or do anything at all to help sort anything. She also didn't even come to the hen in the end as she said she was ill - I didn't say anything to her about any of this and I understand these things happen.

I know people are busy, I do know that and I don't expect to be anyone's focus or in their thoughts often. But, for a supposedly 'best' friend, who I have been there for through all sorts, I feel she has been really distant and not really been much of a friend in the last year or so.

Now I have written it down it seems really petty, so probably IABU but would like to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:
user1480946351 · 13/12/2016 02:21

Maybe she has got her own shot going on. It's not all about you.

MizzEmma · 13/12/2016 02:21

We moved abroad earlier this year (for a few years only it's not permanent)

A very good friend of mine has responded to only one message since I've been away. She appears to be ignoring texts, WhatsApps, FB messages and emails. She likes my DH's FB posts but not mine oddly enough. Her DH has kept in touch with mine.

Before we moved another friend who has lived abroad said "you'll be surprised who keeps in touch, it won't be who you think" and she has been proved right.

People I thought I wouldn't hear from for 2 years have gone out of their way to send messages and even snail mail but my close friend who threw a lovely farewell dinner for us seems to have cut me off.

I'm sad about it, mostly because I feel our relationship has now changed permanently so even when I'm back living in the same street we won't be close friends any more.

I'm not terribly demanding. I've made friends and settled in well here, I'm not lonely. I was expecting to hear from her once a month or so though.

I'm disappointed rather than angry.

user1480946351 · 13/12/2016 02:21

shit

bummymummy77 · 13/12/2016 02:32

My best friend did this. I moved abroad and it was ok. Had ds and that was it. The few times I have spoken to her since she's been hostile. She's been very upfront in hating kids, not sure if this is why.

It hurts like fuck but you do get over it slowly.

Smartiepuf · 13/12/2016 02:34

Yanbu.

I have (should say had!) A friend like this. Never going to work out long term as she sounds very much like she is only there to take from you but not arsed about being there for you in return.

Smartiepuf · 13/12/2016 02:37

Shit 'friend'

Only there when she wants you for something but does abolutely fuck all for you - not even helping when asked to be a bm at your wedding....

She has already cut you off by the looks of it, by not replying or making any effort.

Really, i wouldnt waste anymore time on that one.

Glastokitty · 13/12/2016 03:26

This is definitely a thing that happens when you move abroad. I was also told that I'd be surprised who would keep in touch and who wouldn't, and it couldn't have been more true. The most unexpected people have kept in touch, and some of my best friends didn't bother at all, it was a total eye opener! I have absolutely no idea why, but its happened to everyone I know who emigrated, so I suspect this might be what happened to you.

MizzEmma · 13/12/2016 04:00

Interesting that this is so common Glasto

User is of course absolutely right that people have their own stuff going on. But this isn't about expecting to be the centre of anyone's world. It's about expecting a friend to behave like a friend.

With the technology available these days it's really not that difficult to take 5 minutes to drop a friend a quick text/email/instant message.

I'm trying to be philosophical about it and chalk it up to experience.

Atenco · 13/12/2016 04:05

Mea culpa, I have been that sort of friend, though in the days before emails. I had a hard time getting the stamps, addressed envelopes and letters to the Post Office. I was fortunate enough to return many years later and find that my friends forgave me and have been lovely.

In the end, demote her from best friend status, but see how things turn out.

misshelena · 13/12/2016 04:14

OP - what has this friend done for you that have earned her the spot of your "best friend"? If she couldn't even get excited enough for your wedding to help organize your hen party, then why is she your "best friend"? Doesn't surprise me that she couldn't take 2 minutes to reply to your texts. I say you should leave her be and bestow your affections on more deserving pp.

GnomeDePlume · 13/12/2016 04:18

Agree with what PP have written. We are down to annual Christmas cards with people who used to be close friends.

A lot of it is to do with life experience. Living abroad you will probably have experienced finding that everything you learned as a grown up is now wrong. From bank accounts to shopping to language to how you spend your leisure time.

A lot of friendship is about shared experience. Going through school together moving into adult life but something like moving abroad is such a huge life experience that for the friendship to survive there does need to be an enormous amount of empathy.

Dont forget though that empathy needs to go both ways. She needs to empathise with you and you need to empathise with her. You have been through a lot of change in a very short period of time and maybe she hasnt or maybe she has and you havent seen it.

Not saying YABU more putting a different perspective on it. We moved abroad for a few years. Looking back I probably did become a bit of an expat bore yada yada yada about this amazing experience and not seeing that my friends were also experiencing life as well.

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 13/12/2016 05:02

User of course she may have her own 'shit going on', but it would be difficult for me to find out and support her if she doesn't respond to me at all. In this day and age a quick response wouldn't be so hard, in my opinion, especially when fb shows she is online quite often.

We are friends from the beginning of secondary school, and we remained good friends when we had our first babies within a few months of each other and supported each other. I guess just a 'best' friend because she is one of my oldest friends.

I'm not 'heartbroken' over this, I'm a little hurt but I actually have a lot of great friends and am very lucky, I just valued her friendship and hoped it would continue and I guess I'm a bit surprised I've been dropped just for spending 1 year abroad. But it's not meant to be; you are all likely very right that things change when you move abroad, people change etc. I agree that I've been very surprised by some of the people who have stayed in touch.

OP posts:
ShastaBeast · 13/12/2016 05:16

I wonder if she feels abandoned and hurt by you leaving and is withdrawing for that reason. Also some people are crap at connecting by phone or email. I have friends I'm not often in touch with but if they visit we are excited to catch up. Her FB posts are general chatter to no one specific so don't count in the way a private email message would.

Ethylred · 13/12/2016 05:33

Things change.

Peanutandphoenix · 13/12/2016 05:35

OP your 'best' friend sounds more like a high days and holidays friend and less of a best friend and your only good enough to her when she wants something not the other way round I would seriously be thinking about just dropping her altogether and find other friends.

Flum · 13/12/2016 05:41

I am a bit of an out of sight out of mind friend too. Have moved a few times. Not great at keeping in touch, I am still good friends with the people who are hardy enough to cope with rare contact but who you still have a great time with when you see them. For the day to day friendship needs I try to find someone locally to bond with. That is easy with kids.. Will be harder now they are older.

Ditch her if you feel let down, but if you still like her just take her as she is and enjoy the time with her when you do get to see her and do something else the rest of the time if you can. Tough to be homesick though, so I do get that.

PitilessYank · 13/12/2016 06:23

Is she the kind of friend who is more comfortable with in-person interactions? I have a few friends like this-great in person, but very poor at responding to texts, emails, etc.

PitilessYank · 13/12/2016 06:24

We generally just pick up where we left off when I see them, no hard feelings...

SabineUndine · 13/12/2016 06:47

I think a lot of people are simply selfish and are happy to keep up a friendship if there's no effort needed but will drop it's soon as there is.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2016 06:55

When you're back, I bet things will pick up. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. I went abroad and my mates were way too busy to contact me and I was incredibly lonely. Got back and everything was back to normal.

Bagina · 13/12/2016 07:01

She sounds awful. Big life events and three times now she's not been interested. Wedding, death, moving abroad...where was she? What's the point of her? Not enquiring after your children settling in to another country?? She's not a nice person imo. I really wouldn't bother anymore. I've got old friends that I don't really see but when it's the big stuff they are there like a shot.

burdog · 13/12/2016 07:04

I think it's funny SabineUndine because replying to Facebook messages or emails etc is the least effort a person can put into a friendship tbh. OP, some people simply operate on an 'out of sight, out of mind'.

I lived abroad for a while and none of my friends bothered to keep in touch. After that, my friend moved an hour away and then never bothered to keep in touch. When my partner and me arranged a big meetup of lots of friends and included her she spent a lot of time griping about how she had no friends!

Another friend who never bothered to contact me when I was living abroad has since moved abroad and complained to my face that everyone has forgotten about him.

I think you should bring it up with your friend tactfully and take it from there.

BalloonSlayer · 13/12/2016 07:08

It sounds ridiculous but I have found it to be true, but when you "move away" - move house, move jobs, especially move countries, the people left behind feel on some level abandoned, not good enough, left behind.

If you asked them to say how they felt they would say "oh good luck to her," and never admit it because it's a bit pathetic, but people do feel like that deep down.

The onus is totally on the person who has moved away to make the most effort to keep the relationship going.

I know it shouldn't be! (Don't shoot the messenger!) But that's the way it seems to be.

As for the lack of contact with your DH when he lost his Dad... I have found that people just don't get it until they have lost a parent of their own. My DH lost his Dad at a youngish age. He always sends sympathy cards to people and I thought for years that was a bit OTT . . . until MY Dad died and I realised what a comfort it was to receive sympathy cards. Now I do it too.

MysticTwat · 13/12/2016 07:21

Yes I'very had this too, we didn't even move abroad.

Very close friends, but not close enough to answer the phone, reply to texts or emails.

But somehow managed to tag me in old photos claiming how much they miss me with little crying emojs.

The tagging upsets me the most, fine if you want to cut me out, but then don't milk your own pitty with how sad you are.

HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 07:25

Maybe she has got her own shot going on. It's not all about you.

If she has time to "like" photos on Facebook she has time to send a text to commiserate with OP's DH when his dad died. She sounds like she just can't be bothered with OP at all. I'm pretty scatty and I could let a message go unanswered but to never answer, never ask after OP, put minimal effort into the wedding send a pretty clear message.