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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I am, but is my friend being a bit crap?

42 replies

waitingforsomething · 13/12/2016 01:58

I have a very old friend, we've known each other almost 20 years. We live about 30mins away from each other, although I am currently abroad for a year as my husband is on a secondment. This is about to finish and we're heading home, and I'm just not sure I want to spend time on this friendship with her anymore.

She has been exceptionally crap at keeping in touch, For full info she is a SAHM to a toddler and a school age child. I really honestly don't expect her to be messaging me all the time, but I have dropped her a few 'how is it going' e-mails, 'how are the DC' and 'happy birthday to the DC' facebook messages and she's not responded once. She def goes on facebook as she does 'like' the odd photo and she has seen the messages. She doesn't ask after my DC, or ask how things are going ever, even though I have told her in messages I have been quite homesick. Additionally, my DHs dad died very suddenly a few months ago, we were back in the UK, so I let her know what had happened and that we were going to be home. ' but in the two weeks we were back, she didn't ask after DH, or drop him a text (she's known him 10 years and her DH and he are friends) - I just thought it was a little thoughtless.

a year ago, I got married and I asked her and one other good friend to be a bridesmaid. My other friend told me, afterwards, that she had not helped with any organisation of my (low key) hen party, hadn't helped message other friends or do anything at all to help sort anything. She also didn't even come to the hen in the end as she said she was ill - I didn't say anything to her about any of this and I understand these things happen.

I know people are busy, I do know that and I don't expect to be anyone's focus or in their thoughts often. But, for a supposedly 'best' friend, who I have been there for through all sorts, I feel she has been really distant and not really been much of a friend in the last year or so.

Now I have written it down it seems really petty, so probably IABU but would like to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 13/12/2016 07:27

With the technology available these days it's really not that difficult to take 5 minutes to drop a friend a quick text/email/instant message.

It can be hard. I've been there. Once you have left it a bit too long, you know that you should have been in touch, you know that you've not been a good friend, that really you owe an apology. You think about the friend, but it would be rude to just send a quick text because you should really give them a call and an explanation but you're exhausted and it's too hard. And anyway, you know that you've been a craps friend, so they won't really miss you, will they? Yes, clearly I've got my own shit going on, with depression and anxiety etc. But it isn't always 'easy' to drop a quick text.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 13/12/2016 07:28

My best mate from uni did this. I assume she has her reasons that she doesn't want me as a friend anymore. It made me really, really sad and I was never brave enough to actually confront her about it, just after many ignored calls and cancelled meetings I left the ball in her court and said to contact me when she wasn't so busy (three meet ups cancelled because she had too much work). I haven't heard from her in 4 years. I just have to accept she didn't want my friendship anymore. Sad times but it happens.

ShastaBeast · 13/12/2016 07:39

MrsKCastle, I get that and feel similar. Depression can be a cause of people falling off the radar for many reasons. Face book can even make it worse because everyone presents their perfect happy lives and someone feeling at odds with that will avoid people. Hurt, abandoned, lonely, depressed, marriage breaking down (I had a friend go awol for that reason, she perceieved our marriage as very good but we've had tough times in reality), infertility, jealousy...all potential reasons for feeling off with the friendship.

228agreenend · 13/12/2016 07:53

You probably find that when you return, it will be like old times. Some people simply are not good at communicating.

We moved 75 miles, and it's amazing how quickly people lost contact, and as others have said, it's the ones you least expect that still send Christmas cards etc.

Bagina · 13/12/2016 08:38

But why should the op allow it to be like "old times"? She's been no friend. The old times were also shit according to the op; she couldn't really be arsed to be her bridesmaid.

Original poster

waitingforsomething · 13/12/2016 09:23

Thanks for all your thoughts. It's entirely possible I suppose that she's just not a great communicator by electronic device and prefers face to face, I didn't really think about this.

Nevertheless, whether AIBU or not, as someone upthread posted she's not been available for any life event in the last year or so. The hen party//wedding stuff I can forgive but actually to not be in touch with DH when his dad dropped dead out the blue is not nice, and not in any way thoughtful. I wouldn't dream of not being in touch if the tables were turned.

Of course perhaps she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, for whatever reason. I think if you're going to cut somebody off then you could tell them why though !

OP posts:

Northend77 · 13/12/2016 09:30

This happens sometimes with friendships as you grow older and not always just when people move abroad. My best friend (known each other since age 11 and now both about to turn 40) have drifted apart over the last 5 years and we only live 3 miles apart! She lives in a quiet little village and only really socialises with the other mums in the village. My children (aged 2) are quite a bit younger and don't know hers at all (think they have met twice). I know that life as a parent is busy, we both work full time and spend all weekend with our kids but her social life is totally with these other people now and I wouldn't see her at all if I didn't arrange something

On the flip side, I chat online more with my friend (who I've known from birth practically) since she moved away to New Zealand. It's only really social media messages but I know more about what's going on in her life than the person I was closest to throughout my school and early adult years. I've shed many tears over the whole situation as I find it very sad that she doesn't seem bothered by it at all. She has missed important events in my life and even ignored my twins' 2nd birthday (I have never missed either of her girls' birthdays or Christmas). I've just had to accept that these things happen and move on and not keep putting all the effort in myself

MizzEmma · 13/12/2016 14:08

I think out of sight out of mind is probably a contributing factor, although I wonder that still holds true when with FB you aren't really out of sight any more?

I think it's also true that it's up to the person who has left to do the running and I have. I sent my friend messages for the first 5 months we were abroad. There's only so long you can keep sending things when you aren't getting a reply.

YelloDraw · 13/12/2016 14:47

The onus is totally on the person who has moved away to make the most effort to keep the relationship going.

OP has tho - never gotr a response from her emails etc.

TBH OP sounds like she is an 'out of sight' kinda person and give it up with her.

SquinkiesRule · 13/12/2016 16:03

MizzEmma your friend is right. We moved after many years and I had two friends I was closest too, and if I had to put money on it I'd have picked the wrong way round as to who kept in touch.
OP she's really not that bothered with being your friend, cool it, send Christmas cards and leave her to it.

MizzEmma · 13/12/2016 16:25

It's quite sad Squinkies.

I wonder what'll happen when we go home.

Atenco · 13/12/2016 16:51

I think if you're going to cut somebody off then you could tell them why though

I agree, but are you going to cut her off and tell her why?

Original poster

waitingforsomething · 13/12/2016 23:50

Atenco no I'm not going to cut her off. I won't spend any more time trying to be in contact with her as it doesn't seem worthwhile, but I'll wish her and her DC happy birthday and send her an xmas card.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 14/12/2016 09:19

MizzEmma We did move home, so I have one foreign friend left, she'll be the one invited to free UK holidays, her oldest Dd already came as had one.
Back home, not one of my old school friends bothers with me even when I have put in the effort. Only a few of my of new neighbors I've known through my family for years are now friends close enough for last minute cup of tea invites, but are lovely (can you tell we live in a small village)

Chandlerbing1997 · 02/05/2017 08:15

oh I would love to have a chat with you about this as experiencing something very similar and cannot help thinking I am being extremely childish for being peed off!

TheInimitableMrsFanshawe · 02/05/2017 08:30

I moved not abroad but to the other end of the country just after my a levels. Best friend and I were going to uni in the same town but she hardly got in touch at all, despite my efforts. I should have seen the writing on the wall but nearly 20 years later (and her being the only attendant at my wedding, I bent over backwards to make sure she was comfortable on the day) I have got the message that I'm not that important to her.

The death nell seems to have been when I had children; I got one text after DS was born and she hasn't once asked after him since. She didn't even offer congratulations when DD was born three years later. I get that some people find others' pregnancies difficult but she doesn't seem to have the same trouble with mutual friends of ours.

myusernameisbob · 02/05/2017 09:03

I echo exactly what MrsKCastle said. I too am the same and I know that I have jeopardised friendships as a result. There will always be people out there (see PPs above as testament) who will automatically judge me as a sht friend because for whatever reason (shyness, low self esteem, not wanting to burden others, whatever - I'm still trying to work it out myself) I find it difficult to communicate if not face to face. This is so far from the case. I am perhaps sht at getting it right but it doesn't mean I couldn't care less; far from it.

Re your DH's dad - death is a tricky one - so personal; so difficult to know what to say/ when/ how to say it...especially if your friend hasn't been in touch for a while...might feel as if she doesn't have the right....?

Please don't write her off until you've spent some real face to face time with her.

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