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Original poster

Toxic mother and the nativity... Wwyd?

52 replies

cheekybean · 12/12/2016 22:20

My mother is the most relectant granny ever. Everything i do, because its not the way she did it, is wrong. Breatfeeding causes cancer, babies need bread and milk at 8 weeks, i allow the kids to do far to many after school clubs (swimming and 1 other per child) etc etc, you get the picture?

She lives 20 minutes away and yet has not been to see us in 4 years, my house gives her bad vibes. Its tidy and a new build! She lives in a 300 year old shithole!!!

Anyway to the point, my uncle, her brother is 80 and he and his wife wanted to come to my kids nativity ds is 6 and dd is 4. Uncle is brilliant with them. Just like a grantparent should be. My mum hates this because kids slways want to see him and not her. If they go to see her, she refuses to not smoke in front of them, i also have a 14 week baby. I end up putting them in another room with the telly on until we go. So technically she doesnt see them! She is also very nasty to my daughter, dont know why but everything the kid does is stupid, wrong and mainly pathetic.

Uncle wants to go to nativity. He mentioned this to mum and i got him some tickets. After speaking to mum he rang me to say he had a nasty cold and wouldnt be able to make it. This wast last monday, play is tomorrow. He also said mum was upset because she hadnt been invited and she knew nothing of the play. Utter crap, she helped me make the bloody costumes!!

Basically she didn't want uncle to come but she doesnt want to come either. She came two years ago to ds 1st nativity. She sat on the end of the row with dad making nasty comments about everybody in her whispering voice that just isnt!! Five minutes before the play ended they stood up and left "to avoid the rush". She left my two children sobbing their eyes out in the school hall.

I know im not unreasonable to be annoyed but what would you do? She makes me so unhappy all the time. I could write a book about her nasty and unreasonable behaviour and i dont think anyone would believe me.

OP posts:
adornorising · 12/12/2016 22:23

I think more of them would believe you than you realise.

Something tells me she's a narc and you don't get anything useful from confronting her.

What about calling your uncle and telling him there's been a confusion because she helped make the costumes. Don't let her away with this.

You may find some of Susan Foreward's books interesting.

LilQueenie · 12/12/2016 22:26

I would be grateful she isn't coming tbh for yours kids sakes.

Coffeeisnecessary · 12/12/2016 22:28

This sounds so sad, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If I'm honest I would probably avoid all contact with her, and try not to care about stupid things that are said behind your backs, but I know that's probably an emotional issue as she is your mother. Hope someone with some experience can give you some guidance. I have a toxic MIL and I think as a family we'd be much happier with NC but I think it is my husbands desicion as she is his mum, it's so hard when someone is being so unfair and nasty. But ultimately only you can make the decision!

Original poster
cheekybean · 12/12/2016 23:12

I cut contact at the beginning of the year after a huge fallout over my pregnancy announcement. She asked if it was for insurance purposes incase my other two children die!!!

I felt so bad about it, i ended up caving in. She makes me miserable and i apologise!! Stupid arent i?

Mum ended up ringing mil to see what problem was but she never once rang, text, emailed or visited. She just made me look really bad with my inlaws who are really lovely people and who couldnt belive i could be so horrid!!

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 12/12/2016 23:21

She left your kids crying? That would have been it for me. I'd avoid all contact, her being in your life doesn't sound healthy for you or your DCs.

baconandeggies · 12/12/2016 23:27

I'd cut contact, completely. You owe her nothing after emotionally abusing you all so terribly.

adornorising · 13/12/2016 08:01

If you had to cut contact with her, there was a very, very good reason, because nobody ever does that lightly. Forget what other people say or think, because I'm betting she's lively to them!

If you felt guilty and got back in touch, that's EXACTLY why you needed to have no contact with her.

Yura · 13/12/2016 09:02

Don't let her come /get into your children's life! she sounds like my grandmother - the best thing my mother did was to kuck her out of the house when i was about 8. i still can remember her nastiness- wish my parents had kicked the evil b*** out earlier!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 13/12/2016 09:11

I had a really nasty gp, their words still sting, years on. Definitely keep her out of your dcs life. Who calls a 4yo pathetic?Confused

TheWitTank · 13/12/2016 10:10

She sounds dreadful. I wouldn't have any further contact with her at all. I know it isn't easy, my DH went through the same with his toxic father, but he NEVER regretted his decision and was so much happier as a result. His "dad" is now dead, but DH still feels at peace with his choice to go no contact. I doubt she is going to have an epiphany and change her ways sadly.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/12/2016 10:21

I wouldn't invite her and I'd avoid her like the plague.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/12/2016 10:22

Actually the plague would be better than seeing her.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/12/2016 10:25

I wonder if you uncle's cold is diplomatic so his ticket can be passed to your mother?
I would speak with him again and see how he feels when he knows your mother isn't going.

2boysnamedR · 13/12/2016 10:26

I belive you.

DeepanKrispanEven · 13/12/2016 10:39

Did your uncle make up the "cold" story to placate your mother, because presumably if he had a cold last Monday he would be better by now? If so, I suggest you contact him to ask him to come anyway and make an agreement that neither of you will let your mother know. And frankly, if I were you I would cut go NC with your mother immediately.

1horatio · 13/12/2016 10:40

I know im not unreasonable to be annoyed but what would you do? She makes me so unhappy all the time. I could write a book about her nasty and unreasonable behaviour and i dont think anyone would believe me.

Nope, you're feelings sound quite reasonable.

1horatio · 13/12/2016 10:41

Oops. Misunderstood that...

Uhm. I'm not sure what to say. Except that it really really sucks.

Soubriquet · 13/12/2016 10:55

Seriously cut her out of your and your kids lives

Why on earth would a child want to be around their grandparent who calls them pathetic?

No!!

Do it now!

Make sure your uncle knows, that your mother is faking ignorance about the play

scampimom · 13/12/2016 10:56

I find that the only way to deal with people like this is to think of them as some sort of two-legged natural disaster rather than as a person. They just ARE that way, and you'd do as much good trying to get them to see reason as you would arguing with a tornado or kicking the sea. Just get away from the danger zone, because you can't change it.

scampimom · 13/12/2016 10:57

And if anyone called my daughter stupid, wrong or pathetic, they'd be served their own arsehole to eat.

Kr1stina · 13/12/2016 11:00

Why are you allowing this woman to make your daughter unhappy by being very nasty to her and upsetting her at the nativity last year ?

Why are your exposing both your children to cigarette smoke?

You are their parent and it's your job to protect them.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 13/12/2016 11:00

That's a great comparison scampi. Get out the danger zone op.

Kr1stina · 13/12/2016 11:00

Or what scampi said more succiently!

SeaEagleFeather · 13/12/2016 11:01

She is also very nasty to my daughter, dont know why but everything the kid does is stupid, wrong and mainly pathetic

Ultimatum time for her: either she stops that -right now- or she ships out.

your in laws must have some idea what she's like? if not, then I'm afraid it's a burden you''ll have to bear for the sake of protecting the most important people in your life: your children.

Does your partner support you at all? He must see and realise how miserable you are after contact with her.

As others have said, it's a blessing she's not come to the nativity, not something to be disappointed about. Suggest you keep contact with the good people in your life - your uncle, your in-laws- and quietly step back from her.

AgathaF · 13/12/2016 11:01

Phone your uncle and tell him that you and the DC hope he's now well enough to come, as you are all looking forward to seeing him there. Let him know that your mother did know about it, but didn't want to go. He knows what she's like, I assume. He's trying to keep the peace but really it's not helping. So give him that bit of a nudge.