Toxic mother and the nativity... Wwyd?

[cheekybean]

My mother is the most relectant granny ever. Everything i do, because its not the way she did it, is wrong. Breatfeeding causes cancer, babies need bread and milk at 8 weeks, i allow the kids to do far to many after school clubs (swimming and 1 other per child) etc etc, you get the picture?

She lives 20 minutes away and yet has not been to see us in 4 years, my house gives her bad vibes. Its tidy and a new build! She lives in a 300 year old shithole!!!

Anyway to the point, my uncle, her brother is 80 and he and his wife wanted to come to my kids nativity ds is 6 and dd is 4. Uncle is brilliant with them. Just like a grantparent should be. My mum hates this because kids slways want to see him and not her. If they go to see her, she refuses to not smoke in front of them, i also have a 14 week baby. I end up putting them in another room with the telly on until we go. So technically she doesnt see them! She is also very nasty to my daughter, dont know why but everything the kid does is stupid, wrong and mainly pathetic.

Uncle wants to go to nativity. He mentioned this to mum and i got him some tickets. After speaking to mum he rang me to say he had a nasty cold and wouldnt be able to make it. This wast last monday, play is tomorrow. He also said mum was upset because she hadnt been invited and she knew nothing of the play. Utter crap, she helped me make the bloody costumes!!

Basically she didn't want uncle to come but she doesnt want to come either. She came two years ago to ds 1st nativity. She sat on the end of the row with dad making nasty comments about everybody in her whispering voice that just isnt!! Five minutes before the play ended they stood up and left "to avoid the rush". She left my two children sobbing their eyes out in the school hall.

I know im not unreasonable to be annoyed but what would you do? She makes me so unhappy all the time. I could write a book about her nasty and unreasonable behaviour and i dont think anyone would believe me.

You don't have to go completely nc, just keep contact to phone calls, birthday card etc. Don't let her near your children unless you are prepared to challenge every nasty comment. "Did you call my DD a name? That's not acceptable so we are leaving" etc etc

You need to cut contact and save your children from her criticism and nastiness
Your DD will be picking up on the comments, and it will be starting to dent her esteem. She doesn't deserve that...

If she is going to speak to your MIL, you need to have an honest conversation with her about how toxic she is, and how much it is affecting your family. I'd be amazed if she hasn't already noticed though

breastfeeding causes cancer I am just at your mum....

she sounds remarkably like my mother, so you have my sympathies.

Phone your uncle - tell him that you will hold on to his tickets in case he feels well enough, because teh children would love to see him there. Let him know that your mother was well aware of it in advance and chose not to come.

Jesus ! The woman is poisonous . I believe you Op and I bet you'll be surprised how many others do to .

A person with this amount of venom in them would have a hard job keeping it all contained so I expect others have been on the receiving end of it too.

Explain the situation to your uncle.

Get your DH to explain the situation to his parents (with numerous examples)

Cut all contact.

I had a Grandparent like this.

She was the most evil, spiteful, vindictive, egotistical, manipulative, narcissistic effer on the face of the planet. She cause trouble with my parent, me and my siblings, her neighbours and everyone who crossed her path.

I wish my mother had kicked the ould tw@t into touch instead of letting her destroy our family (because she did, playing one off against the other - though publicly she was such a "sweet old lady" no-one would believe it of her.

Don't put your children through the angst, and ring your uncle and tell him you M didn't want to go, so if he can't use the ticket it'll be given away or binned.

I would be cutting all contact. It puzzles me why a little why you are exposing your children to the damaging effects of this relationship just because shes your Mother, but I do realise that years of emotional abuse has affected your thinking. It has to stop.

Just the smoking alone would be enough to make me go NC.
How fucking dare she?
Don't let your children think it's OK to accept this level of control from anyone (because it is control).

I didn't invite my mum to the school performance this year for exactly the same reason OP!
She went the last two years, moaned during it about my ds1's performance or his fidgeting, really loudly. Then she kept looking at her watch. Arrived late, left early and didn't say a word about it to ds afterwards.
I was sad for him the first time and kicking myself that I bothered to invite her again thinking that it would be different last year.
So this year no invite. Which I'm feeling nervous about and not sure how it will go down. But she doesn't know about it so maybe it will pass her by. I'm sad that my dad won't get to go either by default though. He enjoyed it.

I think my dad is probably like your uncle and the one's most affected by the fallout, but I don't think you can do anything really. Let him know hes still welcome to go, but don't try to cause ructions.

Beginning to wonder if you're my sister actually, my mother won't come to my house (10 minutes from her) for similar reasons.
She really dislikes the grandmother role but quite enjoys cuddling a small baby. but once they grow/wriggly about/eat/poop/run around, she just can't wait to get away. She never converses with them or even listens to them. She just tries to discipline as she thinks I'm too soft. Her words are harsh and frighten them. Which she thinks is funny sometimes.

As the parent, its my job to protect them from her so we are now very limited with contact. Its short and not that frequent and usually on neutral ground where we can both leave when we want to. I wouldn't say the relationship is better now. Its more formal and I never expose any of my or my children's weaknesses or vulnerabilities as a mechanism of self-preservation.

In short, I think she's a bully and although I don't fully understand the reasoning behind trying to undermine my child, I think it is a sign of narcissism. I'd love to know more about why she is the way she is. There are layers of complexity there.
My own grandmother (her mother) had so much pride and love for us. I adored her and her company. I thought my children would have the same

Anyway to the point, my uncle, her brother is 80 and he and his wife wanted to come to my kids nativity ds is 6 and dd is 4. Uncle is brilliant with them

Don't let your Uncle or your kids miss out because of your nasty Mother. Phone him and tell him she didn't want to go, but the kids still really want him to come. He must know what she is like.

Secret hopefully your mum won't find out but if she does and asks why she wasn't invited ,take a deep breathe and just tell her straight 'Because you spoilt the last two , that's why' . You will feel so empowered , trust me .

I'd enjoy saying that, but probably would chicken out.

Just because she's your mother, that doesn't mean she gets free reign to treat you and your children how she wants.

My paternal GM was like this and it ended with my parents going NC with her. My father was her only child and she didn't even attend his funeral.

She should feel privileged to have her grandchildren in her life and be grateful for time spent with them. If I were you I would put as much space between her and yourself as possible.

Ring your uncle, explain that since your mum made the costumes she definitely knows about it but has chosen not to come. Say you hope he's feeling better and you and the kids would love to see him.

Your mum doesn't deserve a place in yours and your DC's lives. Calling a 4yo pathetic? How awful.

It sounds like you have really tried over the years. How much more upset are you willing to endure? Or would your lives be more peaceful and content without her in it? Unmumsnetty hugs to you, and I hope the play goes well.

Just because she's your mum, doesn't mean she can get away with abusing your child. There is no way I'd let anyone speak to my children like that, and I'm pretty much one of the most laid back parents I know.

My father was her only child and she didn't even attend his funeral

Blimey Gerbil - could we have had the same grandmother?

Mine had had two sons, but one died when he was 22. The other, my dad, pre-deceased her too, and she didn't shift her fat self-centred @rse to go to the funeral, but partook enthusiastically of the food provided for the mourners. Then she decided she was going to move in with my mother (who didn't want her as the two of them had hated each other since time immemorial). She literally just landed with a suitcase one day, unpacked herself in the second bedroom, and refused to move out. She took some shifting, i can tell you.

This is shocking. I am so sorry that you have such a 'difficult' relationship with your mother (i'm probably thinking a different word.)

It is very hard to accept the fact that sometimes the people who we should be able to trust and rely on unconditionally are not able to be or choose not to be all that they should. I have rewritten this to be less emotional and more rational than the first draft. Your mother does not deserve the joy of family if all she does is criticize, hurt and cause damage. Maybe at some point in the future when you have had the time and support to understand the insidious mechanics of such draining negative relationships you may be able to build a positive relationship with your mother but right now I would leave her to it, do not panda to her unkind unhelpful selfish ways and concentrate on being happy with your children. When you are so up close and personally involved in something it is very difficult to see what is happening clearly. From my own experience (Ex H) I just exhausted myself trying to keep him happy. Nothing was ever good enough, he never had a nice word to say about anyone, and everything was always someone elses fault. I would love to save anyone else the waste of time I spent on what felt like trying to move the Himalayas with a teaspoon. Put down the spoon and walk away. Blessings xx

And has been said previously IT IS all about control, emotional abuse and narcissism. Google it and you'll be amazed how much of it is about...

Thanks for all your replies everyone. Its nice to know its not in my head or that i have a unique problem.

Since dd started school in september, mum no longer sees the other two. I only now go across with baby. She has yet to touch him and constantly ridicules all my parenting techniques!

Its easy to say break all contact but my brother was killed in a car crash a few years ago and i suppose i just thought if i was her only surviving child her attitude might change. She treated my brother the same as me tho.

Have googled as suggested by many of you and my mother clearly is narcissistic. Its all about her.

Thank you so much to all of you. Maybe i should have a daily thread on mn about her antics. A toxic blog maybe?

Flappy

We may well be related - my DM and my GM loathed each other too. She always thought that my mum was beneath them as she was NORTHERN!!

Yep, narcissist. Bet you have some 'lovely' childhood stories OP. Keep her the hell away from the kids as much as you can. And I vote yes to the toxic thread!

Gerbil

Your GM didn't model herself on the Queen Mother did she? Mine adored her - tried to talk like her (except when she lost her temper and then she was the foulest-mouthed harridan you could ever encounter - though I suspect the QM might have been the same, actually) and dressed like her, and cut the crusts off her sammiches and everything because she was so refained. She cultivated a tinkly laugh (used it a lot in male company), and never drank because it was "common" (except for medicinal purposes, when she would neck a bottle of brandy like she was on bonus).

One of my greatest regrets is allowing my late mother to remain in my life for so long. She did permanent damage to my mental health with her behaviour which sounds very like that of your mother. If I could go bak, I would have cut her off and gone NC. I am not at all sorry that she died when my eldest child was 16 months old, it means she had minimal time to do him any harm. She already constantly criticised him for his "failures".

Get rid. Get rid. Get rid. She's already done untold harm to you, don't let her do it to your children.

I'm an only kid and my dad died a few years back. I tried really hard to keep a relationship going with my narcissistic mother when my kids were born. But they don't want a normal relationship, they just want a whipping boy to blame for every time they have a bad feeling. We're NC now and life is just much easier.

There's a thread in relationships called Stately Homes where you'd be very welcome... batshit relatives of all varieties are commiserated over...