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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's kicking/screaming nightmares?

29 replies

Shortfusedmolly · 12/12/2016 11:09

DH as long as I have known him has had PTSD nightmares where he screams and cries and lashes out in bed. We've been together six years and I've been very sympathetic, but he refuses to talk about it in daylight hours and will not go for help for the PTSD.

We also now have two v young DC who wake up at the sound of a pin drop, and DH is not the one who has to get up with them.

Last night DH had an 8/10 nightmare on the scale. It starts with shaking and crying so I get woken up. Then he lashes out in bed, like a kick or something. I then start saying "shhhhhh" and I reach over and try to hold his hands, then he starts punching and kicking through the covers and high pitched shouting and yelling. I am at this point defending myself with my hands in front of my face, and speaking loudly at him to stop or it'll wake the children.

Once this is over he gets very upset with me and says I don't care, all I care about is waking the kids and I don't care about him anymore. He's now not speaking to me this morning.

I resent the idea that he wants me to tolerate these violent nightmares and rock him back to sleep like a baby night after night, and never try to get help for it himself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thisjustinno · 12/12/2016 11:10

Has he been diagnosed with PTSD?

Original poster
Shortfusedmolly · 12/12/2016 11:12

No but he grew up in a war zone and all nightmares are flashbacks.

OP posts:
BdumBdummer · 12/12/2016 11:38

You know he needs help. PTSD almost destroyed my life. It's not a sign of weakness to get help.
To be utterly frank, I would leave if he refuses to seek help. I don't say that lightly.

c3pu · 12/12/2016 11:45

He needs professional help, this is well beyond the remit of a well meaning partner to deal with.

someonestolemynick · 12/12/2016 11:49

I can see where you are both coming from. It's a difficult situation to unpick involving practical concerns and emotional ones.

It's difficult if he doesn't want to discuss it with you. He might not want to deal with his dreams again during the day and he might also be ashamed of having these dreams.

I think at the moment you might come acrod's to him as more concerned about your/ the children's sleep than his trauma. That's why he re-acts defensively.

Having said that, your and your dc' s sleep is important. You need to realise that even if your DH seeks therapy these dreams might never stop. He might be aware of this and might use this as another (possibly unconscious) barrier to seeking help.

First of all you need to ensure your kids get a good night's sleep. So you might have to sound proof their room if they are to young for ear plugs.

Then you need to seek a discussion with your DP (easier said than done). I would try to be as accommodating as you can. Would it work if you gave him some notice. "Darling, there's something we need to talk about. Can we do that after dinner?" Or maybe he finds it difficult to have am actual conversation and would find it easier to speak over e-mail.

Also, please bear in mind(rationally as well as emotionally) that he is not waking you to be inconsiderate. If you treat it like an inconsideration he will most likely continue to be defensive.

And finally, look after yourself. You can do that and still look after yourself. You need to sleep, so do what you have to. But ear plugs, sleep in a different room whatever it takes.Flowers

YelloDraw · 12/12/2016 11:55

Honestly? I would give an ultimatum re sleeping on the sofa or getting help for his MH issues. I can not stand people who have issue than severely impact of their family but they won't seek help for them. #fuckingselfish

Soubriquet · 12/12/2016 11:59

Actually I'm with Yello

Ok so he has these severe problems, but with his refusal to seek help that is impacting on those around him, he is being incredibly selfish.

Rixera · 12/12/2016 12:05

I have PTSD nightmares a lot. I am getting help but that has worsened the nightmares.
Honestly, it's so hard to talk to a partner about it because it puts you back in the space of a child, with all the vulnerability you felt at the time, and to do that with a partner, someone you're supposed to be a peer to, is really hard. And maybe these dreams are not going to stop, since it's all done by the subconscious which holds and releases those memories in sleep.

What helps me is to wake and change something to have a kinetic and visual reminder that it is a dream. My partner wakes me, I continue to freak out, then I grab the torch I always have under my pillow and switch it on. It's no longer dark. I've changed it, because I'm an adult, with my hands on a very solid very real torch lighting my own safe bedroom. That's a grounding technique there. I sit for a while, because sitting also changes it, and then when I'm a bit calmer I lie down, then switch off the torch.

When the baby is older I'll tell her the truth. It looks scary but I just have bad dreams. There's nothing you can do about nightmares but they can't hurt you.

baconandeggies · 12/12/2016 12:11

He needs to go to his doctor or you need to have separate bedrooms.

baconandeggies · 12/12/2016 12:12

Oh sorry - I see he's so loud he's waking the whole household. This can't continue...

InCaseWeNeverMeetAgain · 12/12/2016 12:41

I would find his refusal to discuss it at all very very hard after all this time. I get that he is scared/emotions I can't understand, but in waking hours he is an adult, presumably a well functioning one, and in control of his own life. I can see why you are very upset that he won't even try to make life better for himself and his family.

Chewie1986 · 12/12/2016 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CockacidalManiac · 12/12/2016 16:58

I've reported that, chewie.
A fucking ridiculously over the top post.

Chewie1986 · 12/12/2016 17:00

tell me what was over the top. Or was it just too honest.

I could not care less if it's reported.

CockacidalManiac · 12/12/2016 17:01

Or was it just too honest.

I think you meant 'vicious'

Chewie1986 · 12/12/2016 17:03

no, I have no reason to be vicious.

Just being honest.

pklme · 12/12/2016 17:09

The OP isn't complaining selfishly that she can't get a good night's sleep, Chewie, she's saying her DH's nightmares are waking the kids, scaring her, and that he won't/can't talk about it or seek help. She is looking for advice to help her look after her DH and their children. No need to be label her 'fucking selfish'.

It sounds like it's triggering something for you, Chewie.

lalalalyra · 12/12/2016 17:09

Does he realise how bad his physical actions are?

My DH knew he had nightmares, he knew they were bad, but it took seeing a recording of them to realise how physical he got. Then he got help because he was horrified seeing me shielding my face from him and that was the spur for him to get help as he'd never have forgiven himself if he'd ever hurt me.

YelloDraw · 12/12/2016 17:10

Chewie1986 since he hasn't responded to the OPs reasonable request to seek help, I can't see how your suggestion of 'rocking him back to sleep like a baby' is going to be a long term solution to the problem. In fact, that sounds like a bit of a deluded solution.

This isn't something he is going to grow out of, it isn't something he is going to overcome on his own. It isn;t something the OP can fix. He needs real help. And if he isn't prepared to seek that help, that is not something I woudl be able to move past in a relationship.

Chewie1986 · 12/12/2016 17:13

Well Yello, if you bothered to read what I wrote I didn't saying rocking was a solution, I said imagine if that was you, how horrible it must be.

I also said he needs help, but not via an ultimatum.

Pklme, triggering. Good one. Signs you lost the argument because you having nothing valid to contribute.

YelloDraw · 12/12/2016 19:56

Signs you lost the argument
What argument?

NavyandWhite · 12/12/2016 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 12/12/2016 20:15

Fundamentally he is endangering you and the kids if he kicks out and punches - if they came through to you when a older or he managed to knock you out how would he feel. He may not be able to get rid of them but they can be managed and the first step is saying yes to having some counseling - he needs to understand what they are like from your point of view - I would be filming it to be honest to give him a wake up call (and deleting once he has seen it) then asking to sleep separately to avoid endangerment. You can still have empathy it doesn't have to be confrontational

RoganJosh · 12/12/2016 20:18

What happens if you wake him up just as he's woken you and before it gets too loud? I'm thinking that the dream doesn't get a chance to get so bad, he's less upset and the children don't get woken?
Also we use a fan (pointing at the wall) for a bit of white noise to make them less easy to wake. Could that help?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/12/2016 20:33

Have you tried recording or even filming these nightmares? If he hears just how dramatic it all gets the poor bloke may better understand how disruptive they are. I can imagine that from his point of view they're his nightmares. He probably doesn't appreciate that he's sharing them with the whole family.