About DH's kicking/screaming nightmares?

[Shortfusedmolly]

DH as long as I have known him has had PTSD nightmares where he screams and cries and lashes out in bed. We've been together six years and I've been very sympathetic, but he refuses to talk about it in daylight hours and will not go for help for the PTSD.

We also now have two v young DC who wake up at the sound of a pin drop, and DH is not the one who has to get up with them.

Last night DH had an 8/10 nightmare on the scale. It starts with shaking and crying so I get woken up. Then he lashes out in bed, like a kick or something. I then start saying "shhhhhh" and I reach over and try to hold his hands, then he starts punching and kicking through the covers and high pitched shouting and yelling. I am at this point defending myself with my hands in front of my face, and speaking loudly at him to stop or it'll wake the children.

Once this is over he gets very upset with me and says I don't care, all I care about is waking the kids and I don't care about him anymore. He's now not speaking to me this morning.

I resent the idea that he wants me to tolerate these violent nightmares and rock him back to sleep like a baby night after night, and never try to get help for it himself.

AIBU?

I have tried to get it under control when I hear it starting, because it has a build up. And I am always a bit half awake so I just repeat the same thing and it actually makes him worse because he cannot seem to tell the difference between the nightmare and reality, so he thinks that I am the person attacking him, or that he is being cornered or something. So interception actually makes it worse.

But then just letting it play out wakes everyone up, puts me at risk and really upsets him.

I recorded him once (the noise, not the lashing out) and he got very angry with me for recording something where he sounded so vulnerable.

He is in big denial, basically.

When he and I argue, or during stressful times, the nightmares get louder and more violent. So I feel always like I am treading on eggshells and that he is the victim and I don't want to feel like that.

Good grief it sounds awful Molly. I have no suggestions but just want to sympathise. Xx

To be honest, I doubt he could stop the nightmares. They are subconscious and any form of therapy would most likely make it worse before it gets better. So really you need to look into practical solutions starting with sound proofing the kids bedroom.

EMDR has a good reputation for helping with PTSD, and is not retraumatising when you do it, I believe. It isn't as intrusive feeling as talking therapies, and doesn't need you to be particularly articulate. I'm not an expert, but that is what I have been told. Can you keep gently suggesting that there is help out there, when he wants it? I think I'd go for a separate room though, if you can reorganise it that way. Can you sleep in with the kids? You wouldn't be listening out for him in the same way, and could reassure them if they do wake up.

Chewie not arguing with you, just pointing out it's unreasonable to call the OP 'fucking selfish' for seeking advice to help her family. Your rage sounded a bit extreme to me which is why I wondered if it was very personal to you in some way. Sorry to offend- didn't realise the word 'triggering' was unacceptable.