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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so upset?

42 replies

kerchow · 11/12/2016 23:17

This is going to be a long one but bear with me!

DH recently lost his job. Both our DC have birthdays in December & with Christmas coming up it's obviously an expensive time.

For the last three Decembers we've done a trip to a Christmas market abroad with two other couples. Last year we went to Amsterdam overnight but one of the couples dropped out on the morning of the trip as the DH has a fear of flying & felt he couldnt cope with the flight. Because of this this year we decided to do a UK market & booked to go to York for two nights. DH & I know the city well as I went to university there so we booked the hotel & made suggestions for restaurants & activities.

We told the others about a month before the trip that although we're not yet on our arse yet we couldn't justify spending money on a trip at this time of year. We've also lost DH's company car so had no way of travelling up there. They all responded sympathetically but confirmed they'd still be going & asked for all the booking info. I was a bit disappointed with this & was hoping that one of them would suggest rearranging the trip to another time or moving it to a more local or cheaper venue. We live near London & there's obviously 1001 festive things to do nearby at this time of year. I know that is selfish of me to think that but even if they'd suggested that & then still gone it would have hurt less.

My best friend of the group explained that as it was her DH who dropped out of Amsterdam last year he was "determined" not to let her miss out again. She said that it really upset her seeing our photos of last year & that she didn't want to miss out either. The DW of the other couple had suggested cutting the weekend short & meeting us for a day out somewhere today but none of them actually wanted to do that so they were carrying on without us although it would be "weird."

The trip was this weekend & i'm sitting here looking at photos on Instagram of them & feel gutted. They are supposed to be our best friends but bearing in mind our circumstances they haven't toned it down at all. They've posted everything they've done, gone to all the places I suggested & look like they've had a right old time.

Now i know not to believe everything I see on Instagram, especially as despite all the smiling group selfies I know that neither couple see each other unless we're there & one of the couples has told us that they don't really like the other & only really see them because we've known each other so long & it's become a habit. It's really hurt me though. I thought these Christmas trips were about spending time together. I also thought that good friends would be more considerate about our situation & not rub our noses in it, deliberately or not

One of the DWs has text me tonight asking if i've had a good weekend! I literally don't know how to respond to it! DH says that none of it's deliberate & it's just one of those things but I feel so bitter. Please tell me IABU & to put on my big girl pants & move on!

OP posts:

dontbesillyhenry · 11/12/2016 23:20

Sorry but just because you can't afford it you expect them to 'tone it down' not go or cut their trip short?
What world do you inhabit exactly?

MommaGee · 11/12/2016 23:24

Sweetheart you do need to put on your big girl pants but sending a hug anyway. Did you tone it down last year in Amsterdam and not post pictures? Get off Instagram of its upsetting you. It's not in your face, you don't have to look. Tis sucky tho

Guitargirl · 11/12/2016 23:25

Am sorry your DH has lost his job, especially at this time of year.

But YABVU about your friends' trip. Presumably you are not their only friend. Their Instagram account is not solely for your eyes. They are more than entitled to go wherever they want and do whatever they want without having to 'tone it down' because of your finances.

Am really hoping this is not another bloody reverse post because am struggling to believe someone would be so self-absorbed tbh.

Redlocks28 · 11/12/2016 23:26

Crap that you are broke, but they are still allowed to have fun.

Pancakeflipper · 11/12/2016 23:26

I don't see this a reflection of them dismissing you.
Seems they wanted to do the going way tradition. Last year 1 couple pulled out. This year you aren't able to go - did you want them all to cancel?

Your bestmate has her own issues about the Christmas trip ( that they pulled out). The other friend offered to cut short but then again why do that when they are paying hotels etc.

I really wouldn't let 2 days away eat you up friendship wise.
You might feel like they have gone off and having the time of their lives and enjoying it better without you. But reality is they have gone away, you can't make it. They will miss you. They will come home and all will continue as normal (unless you make a drama).

Hope your DH gets another job soon.

HermioneJeanGranger · 11/12/2016 23:27

Did you tone it down or offer to switch location last year when the other couple pulled out?

marie200 · 11/12/2016 23:28

YABU, think of it this way, you didn't 'tone it down' last year for your best friend who couldn't go, so why should they for you? Presumably they work all year and look forward to your trips aswell, so to begrudge them that, you are being unfair.
Sorry, but yeh, move on, and get over it. Yes be jealous as hell, but you didn't go for a good reason. You were sensible staying at home considering your financial situation, but your friends are obviously not in that position, so let them have a nice time. I'm sure you will make up for it next year xxx

corythatwas · 11/12/2016 23:30

If your friend was upset by seeing your photos last year, that does perhaps suggest that you never thought of toning down the photos for their sake. So perhaps it is a little unfair to expect them to have that thought now. They are only being bad friends now if you were a bad friend last year.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/12/2016 23:30

You really are being U. Massively so.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 11/12/2016 23:33

Yes, sorry you're in this situation but your friends really haven't done anything wrong here

m0therofdragons · 11/12/2016 23:34

Wow, why would you not want them to have a good time? Sorry that you're going through a tough time but we all have them at some point so let them enjoy their good times even if you can't.

MouseLove · 11/12/2016 23:36

Be a good friend and be happy for them. Say you loved the pics but wished you were there. Hope they had a nice time and we should meet up for drinks to celebrate Christmas together.

Do you take your DCs with you on these weekend away? Maybe you could have done something local with them instead this weekend instead of wishing you were elsewhere? Always try to look at the positives. X

Also, why does Christmas and birthdays need to be expensive. It's not about that.

Original poster

kerchow · 11/12/2016 23:41

These are just the sort of responses I need to pull me back from the brink of ridiculousness! I know IABVU but I just feel really hard done by. We've had to cancel other bits & bobs with the DC & were going away for Christmas and have cancelled that too. They know this & if the boot was on the other foot I would have been more thoughtful of their feelings.

Just to answer the questions no, we didn't rearrange the trip last year as we were already airside when they text to cancel. And yes, i did put up photos of the trip but no cheesy group shots, just the obligatory canal & clog photos.

OP posts:

FutureMrsRanj · 11/12/2016 23:43

Just be honest, tell her you're gutted and a bit jealous but pleased they had fun. It's ok to say that, you can't help how you feel but expecting them to tone their pictures down is silly, I hope you get your situation sorted soon though

CauliflowerSqueeze · 11/12/2016 23:47

I get why you're jealous that they had a great time and you could have been there too if only you hadn't been skint.

Text back "had a lovely weekend thanks - looks like you had a fab time in York - glad you got to try out some of my old haunts. Will be saving up for next year's shenanigans don't you worry!"

TinselTwins · 11/12/2016 23:50

I get why it's gutting, and you know YABU.

Best thing to do is comment that it looks like they had a great time, and let it drop down your news feed. Don't keep re-looking through them

Hope next year things are better for you x

foreverandalways · 11/12/2016 23:52

Definitely do not move n until you have told each of them exactly what you have said n here and how upset and hurt you are feeling...as the saying goes...you know who your true friends are when the chips are down...if these are supposed to be your friends I would actually say bollocks to them all and do some crafting and Xmas baking of your own and post that on instagram and hold your head up high shoulders back...merry Xmas and oh by the way good luck to you husband with his job hunting and a new venture...x

stressedoutmam · 11/12/2016 23:52

Me and my DH have to work most of the Christmas holidays. My DH Christmas Day. Let me give you a grip because I've never been able to afford a trip away with friends since I became a parent.

Trying2bgd · 11/12/2016 23:53

It isn't unreasonable to be upset but on the other hand it is unreasonable to expect them not to go or then not to have a great time. I also think there might be some residual bitterness on the part of your BF from last year which explains all the instagram postings. This demonstrates why social media is a factor behind the rise of depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Ditch the bitterness, take it as a lesson in emotional resilience and move on.

Tartyflette · 11/12/2016 23:55

Text your friend back saying you're really sad you couldn't go, and a bit envious that you missed all the fun but you're glad they had a good time (you'll feel better after doing that). Say your weekend was quiet/nice/ok/ whatever.
Then move on. There's always next year.
I hope your Christmas goes well and your DH finds another job soon.

Trying2bgd · 11/12/2016 23:58

And I hope your DH finds a new job soon. I have to be honest and say that if this happened to my BF I would have gone with the day trip idea or something more suitable but from my own experiences not everyone thinks like that! I always believe that you cannot control how others behave, only how you react to it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/12/2016 00:10

It's completely normal to be gutted when you miss out on something fun that you've been looking forward to.

But you ABU to expect them to 'tone it down', let alone cancel.

You're making the mistake of making this all about you, when it's not. It was their fun weekend, which it really was OK for them to have.

Take a couple of deep breaths and forget about it. It's happened, it's gutting, but there's no changing it now.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/12/2016 00:17

Of course yabu. But at least you know that

JenLindleyShitMom · 12/12/2016 00:27

It sucks that you can't go this year, but, you've had the other years and you will have more when finances are better. Life has ups and downs, this is a down, it happens, it's not nice but they haven't created it and they aren't experiencing it so they shouldn't have to cancel their own plans to placate you. You'll join in next year and enjoy yourselves. This won't matter in a few months.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/12/2016 00:35

I think you are just very dissappointed and stressed and are taking it out on them. Its not their fault you are broke and couldnt go. They are not having a good time to spite you.
I do feel sorry for you though it must be awful at this time of year but do try and not project your feelings onto innocent people. Id just try and stay off instagram if its upsetting you. They do have every right to enjoy their holiday.
Hopefully by next year you will have sorted things and will be able to do something all together again. x

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