AIBU to be so upset?

[kerchow]

This is going to be a long one but bear with me!

DH recently lost his job. Both our DC have birthdays in December & with Christmas coming up it's obviously an expensive time.

For the last three Decembers we've done a trip to a Christmas market abroad with two other couples. Last year we went to Amsterdam overnight but one of the couples dropped out on the morning of the trip as the DH has a fear of flying & felt he couldnt cope with the flight. Because of this this year we decided to do a UK market & booked to go to York for two nights. DH & I know the city well as I went to university there so we booked the hotel & made suggestions for restaurants & activities.

We told the others about a month before the trip that although we're not yet on our arse yet we couldn't justify spending money on a trip at this time of year. We've also lost DH's company car so had no way of travelling up there. They all responded sympathetically but confirmed they'd still be going & asked for all the booking info. I was a bit disappointed with this & was hoping that one of them would suggest rearranging the trip to another time or moving it to a more local or cheaper venue. We live near London & there's obviously 1001 festive things to do nearby at this time of year. I know that is selfish of me to think that but even if they'd suggested that & then still gone it would have hurt less.

My best friend of the group explained that as it was her DH who dropped out of Amsterdam last year he was "determined" not to let her miss out again. She said that it really upset her seeing our photos of last year & that she didn't want to miss out either. The DW of the other couple had suggested cutting the weekend short & meeting us for a day out somewhere today but none of them actually wanted to do that so they were carrying on without us although it would be "weird."

The trip was this weekend & i'm sitting here looking at photos on Instagram of them & feel gutted. They are supposed to be our best friends but bearing in mind our circumstances they haven't toned it down at all. They've posted everything they've done, gone to all the places I suggested & look like they've had a right old time.

Now i know not to believe everything I see on Instagram, especially as despite all the smiling group selfies I know that neither couple see each other unless we're there & one of the couples has told us that they don't really like the other & only really see them because we've known each other so long & it's become a habit. It's really hurt me though. I thought these Christmas trips were about spending time together. I also thought that good friends would be more considerate about our situation & not rub our noses in it, deliberately or not

One of the DWs has text me tonight asking if i've had a good weekend! I literally don't know how to respond to it! DH says that none of it's deliberate & it's just one of those things but I feel so bitter. Please tell me IABU & to put on my big girl pants & move on!

Thanks for the replies. I am happy to accept any grips that are passed my way. I know that I sound like a brat. DH losing the job & the car & everything that goes with it has just been the icing on a particularly shit year.

I have a lot to be thankful for, not least two lovely DC who won't give a stuff about their birthdays or Christmas not being exactly how I imagined! I haven't just been staring at Instagram all weekend btw. We met up with cousins for a walk along the Thames yesterday & took the dog for an extra extra long walk today & stopped off for tea & cake on the way back.

I am just going to reply to the text as some of you suggested. In the grand scheme of things it's not important & of course as others have pointed out going forward it won't matter at all. There is a massive backstory to the DF/Amsterdam saga that is probably colouring my view but as Trying2bgd said you can't control other people's behaviour only your reaction & it's me that needs to think differently.

It's understandable that you're upset to be missing out 💐

I hope your DH can get another job soon, it's a scary time.

However, you are being extremely selfish & childish expecting them not to go and do everything you'd have all done & FB/instagram as always. So nt fall out with them about it - ok! Pull on your Big Girl Pants, slap on a smile and at least fake being happy they had a good time.

I'm pissed off I can't go this year either. Work have really buggered about re time off before & over Christmas. I missed a couple of good Christmas events in Nov too, that I never miss, because I was really ill. I might be able to squeeze a day in London in next weekend, but that'll be about it. Not quite a week in Europe at fab markets. Sigh. Still, I suppose I should count my blessings that we're all (relatively) healthy, have food, heating etc. I know I should, but...

OP I feel for you, when everything is plastered on Instagram it makes it harder. Because at least prior to social media, what you didn't see, didn't hurt you.

I've had to decline several activities and one holiday with one friend in particular because of finances (I'm a single parent just making ends meets), then see them all over Facebook etc. Sigh. I try to keep positive and make my own cheap fun!

We live near London & there's obviously 1001 festive things to do nearby at this time of year.

Go and do a few then and put the cheesy photos on instagram and dont invite them along.

This is about point scoring isnt it?

Think about all the times you were lucky enough to go. I've not been on holiday like that for over 15 years and been single a long time so no one to go with either (apart from kids and a caravan!), you are having a bad year and most of us have to see other people enjoying themselves when we can't too. It's a bit pitiful I think you need to indeed put the big girl pants on and just suck it up!

Am sorry but your being utterly ridiculous you didn't cancel the Amsterdam trip last year when one couple pulled out so why should they cancel their trip this year just because you can't go your acting like a bit of a spoilt child by doing the whole well if I can't go neither can they routine that just makes you look immature so stop throwing the baby out with the bath water and get off instagram.

For me, the only slightly 'off' thing was asking if you'd had a good weekend. It might be what you'd normally say, but come on, this weekend? It's a bit 'my weekend was considerably better than yours'.

Comment nicely and forget the photos.

All good wishes for the New Year, OP.

These things feel like a personal slight because you are stressed and worried, but they will pass, and when they do you will be very glad that you kept your feelings under your hat.

Of course its ok to be upset, but not ok to expect everyone else to change plans/miss out because of your difficulties.

Sorry OP that is a bit shit hope things pick up soon Look on the bright side imagine you somehow had scraped together the cash to go right now you'd be feeling guilty and remorseful about it. And the social media stuff mehh I get that too it's probably all for the showy off aspect! For all you know behind that cheesy perfect snap one of the couples had a blazing argument that morning and someone in the group had rampant pmt/cramps. Not saying this to wish this on them just to put it all in perspective. Your weekend sounds lovely so try not to let it get to you though that text would childishly bug me too!

you didn't cancel the Amsterdam trip last year when one couple pulled out

OP was already airside at that point, so I can see why she didn't cancel.

I agree the text was the off bit, and guess the OP might not actually have felt quite so bad if that text hadn't arrived.

I'd be upset too OP

I can totally understand you feeling upset but I imagine it looks totally different from their perspective. You all went on trips abroad knowing it might be difficult for the DH who had fear of flying. You all posted pics of the trip when the other couple had to drop out last minute. I imagine this wasn't the only opportunity to spend time together as couples so they probably don't feel like they're choosing the trip over spending time with you.

Hopefully next year will be an easier time!

It also sounds like the DH with the fear of flying felt awful that he ruined the trip and his wife had to miss out last year so he would have been very reluctant to cancel this trip. So some extra pressure there for the trip to go ahead as planned.

I don't see the text as off at all, more they are at least thinking of her and wanting to check she's ok.

Op, you know this isn't about your friends, it's just your own feelings about not being able to go and join in, as others have said they have done nothing wrong.

I'm also a bit unsure about your comments that last year you only posted pics of canals and clogs , as you say your friend was really upset seeing them,,,that would be kinda unusual over just seeing scenery shots? 🙄

I don't understand why you had to wait for them to suggest rearranging the trip? Couldn't you have made the suggestion?

Sympathies OP, it sounds like it's just been the 'final straw'. You seem to have done incredibly well in being practical, cutting back etc, still trying to keep things going/normal (iyswim) and something was going to give at some point. Redundancy is horrible, even if you're not in immediate financial dire straits, it requires a big readjustment and all the time there's that little nagging voice mumbling about the need to get another job. Christmas is an extra bugger as you can't help but look at last year when things were different and the little voice makes you wonder about next one as well.

Have a bit of a rant to us, swear, collapse in a big sobbing heap for a bit and then hoick up the infamous MN big girl pants, take a deep breath and keep on as you were. You know you are BU but it is VU (understandable) to anyone who has been/is in the the same situations.