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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DD needs help.

73 replies

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:03

I don't want to drip feed but I also don't want to reveal DD's identity either.

Dd has been through a lot,her dad dying,bullied and had to move secondary school 3 times ,living with a relative for a year,she told us she had been sexually abused from the age of 4 she thinks(15 now).

Since she was about 8 she has struggled with her eating but she is not underweight now . She skips breakfast and lunch and when she does eat she usually has a vegetable smoothie and that is it for the day.

She's been self harming since around 10 years old,she says she has nightmares and gets flash backs of the abuse where she can hear his voice,smell him etc . She can't stand loud noises,being too close to people,she can't even sleep in her own room as she's scared that he will come. The person has admitted to sending her dirty messages to the police but the case did not go any further as dd didn't want to talk about what he did.

Camhs have said they cannot help her as it is not 'severe enough',I've tried private therapy but she refuses to talk in these sessions.

She is very withdrawn all the time,never looks happy but GP and camhs are saying she is just being a typical teenage girl .

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 11/12/2016 15:05

That sounds very sad. Do either of you still see the person who abused her? She clearly needs help - how can CAHMS not consider it serious enough if she's suffered sexual abuse and is self harming?

fairgame84 · 11/12/2016 15:06

Are there any services in your area that help abuse victims? Could she access other therapies such as art therapy or play therapy until she is ready for counselling?

TheSecondOfHerName · 11/12/2016 15:09

EMDR (eye movement desensitisation & reprogramming) can sometimes help. It sounds a bit alternative but there is some clinical evidence that it helps PTSD. It is difficult but not impossible to get on the NHS (one of my children had a few sessions via CAMHS).

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:10

There have been two family parties recently and we were told the person who abused her will not be coming but he was there. Apart from that (the abuse stopped last year) she doesn't seem him.

There was a lady who came into school to do art therapy but she refused to engage and said she was fine. She does have a diary where she writes her feelings and draws a few pictures but she won't let anyone near it.

OP posts:

Vulty · 11/12/2016 15:10

Try going through womans aid they are for woman and children. I know they have their own counsellors. Another place you could call is barnardos, from a very personal family experience they are brilliant. There is also the Moira Anderson foundation which is fab.
www.moiraanderson.org/

I wish your daughter all the best. I know how hard it is to see a family member in this state.

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 15:16

Can the school support?

Either in terms of accessing support services directly (massively varies according to area) or with getting the school nurse (if they have one) to refer to CAMHS?

Or, actually, if the self harm and eating issues were reported to me as safeguarding person, I'd refer to children and young people's services - that might trigger some support. PM me if you'd like some more info about this.

Sounds like a shit situation.

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:18

It was the school who referred to CAMHS,the GP did as well although she thinks dd is just being a teenager . There isn't a school nurse.

OP posts:

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 15:20

Have you spoken to the school safeguarding officer?

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:27

School safeguarding officer keeps referring to other agencies that can help but no luck so far. Whenever something is found,dd refuses to engage.

She tries to talk to dd about how she is feeling,especially when other students or teachers notice dd is very down but dd doesn't talk.

OP posts:

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 15:28

Is there a SAF in place?

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:30

No. what is a SAF?

OP posts:

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 15:35

If you are in England (just seen your username!) it's a way of monitoring support for vulnerable youngsters - the "standard assessment framework" - it ensures regular meetings by any professionals involved, action plans etc. Schools often lead on this - it would allow the safeguarding officer to build evidence for other agencies (e.g. CAMHS) to pick it up. If referrals are made and DD doesn't engage, it is all monitored and builds a picture of a YP who has some big challenges and no support that is working yet.

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:38

I am in England. move here just before DD was born . There are meetings every so often with the school safeguarding officer,myself and other professionals like counsellors . All that I ever get out of those meetings are if dd doesn't talk or she doesn't want the help then no one can help her until she is ready

OP posts:

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 15:42

Ok, so it sounds as though the school are on it and recognise she needs support?

Unfortunately, there is truth in what they say - does your DD say she wants help?

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 15:48

She goes from saying 'mammy please help me', to 'leave me alone,everything is fine'

She wants help but is finding it hard to tell other people how she is feeling

OP posts:

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 11/12/2016 15:51

Can you contact a local rape crisis centre to ask how you can support her?

Hellochicken · 11/12/2016 16:01

I really don't have experience and advice for helping her. I imagine she would need stability, counselling and to know that there are a "core" of people who believe her, support her and try to protect her.

I just wanted to say it was painful to read that her abuser was at 2 family events where she attended. This makes me wonder what her wider family feel towards the abuser? Maybe they don't know?

Also just wanted to say (as you know) her behaviour doesnt sound like typical teenage.

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 16:02

Does the school have any pastoral staff? Mentors or similar?

thethoughtfox · 11/12/2016 16:09

Do the rest of your family know about the abuse? Why is this person still welcome?

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 16:14

Pastoral staff at school have been fab. Dd doesn't talk to them but will sometimes open up about self harming and eating to them and they have always been so supportive.

The family know,some have openly said they think DD is sick in the head and that she is making this all up for attention. Others have said nothing to her about it but continue to welcome this person. The man even tried to make conversation with DD,we had to leave both times.

OP posts:

DeepanKrispanEven · 11/12/2016 16:15

In a way I can see where the school and others are coming from. I was going to suggest counselling which was really helpful to my DD, but there's little point organising it if she won't go or won't talk to the counsellor. I suspect that what she needs ideally is a group for young survivors of abuse so she can see she's in no way on her own - is there anything of that nature in your area?

bumsexatthebingo · 11/12/2016 16:17

You say she told you she was abused rather than she was abused. It doesn't sound as though you believe her???? I'm assuming wider family don't know if they have hosted him at parties. I would be inclined to avoid any family occasions where there is even a chance of him being present. Your dd shouldn't have to be faced with him.

bumsexatthebingo · 11/12/2016 16:19

And considering he has admitted to 'dirty messages' I would be inclined to avoid any family who know about this and still welcome him.

Original poster

MummyEire · 11/12/2016 16:19

Yes I agree. It still feels so recent since she told me,it was last year,I find it hard to accept that this was happening to my dd but I believe her .

OP posts:

Boundaries · 11/12/2016 16:21

Great. Good she engages with pastoral staff - because they are there all the time they are most likely to catch her at a time she wants to talk. It may be that this is all she and handle right now. It leaves the support under her control a little, and might move her towards wanting to engage with counselling etc in the future - unless she will engage CAMHS is pointless.

You have to make your own decisions about your family's attitudes...

What do you want in terms of support for her OP?

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