To think my DD needs help.

[MummyEire]

I don't want to drip feed but I also don't want to reveal DD's identity either.

Dd has been through a lot,her dad dying,bullied and had to move secondary school 3 times ,living with a relative for a year,she told us she had been sexually abused from the age of 4 she thinks(15 now).

Since she was about 8 she has struggled with her eating but she is not underweight now . She skips breakfast and lunch and when she does eat she usually has a vegetable smoothie and that is it for the day.

She's been self harming since around 10 years old,she says she has nightmares and gets flash backs of the abuse where she can hear his voice,smell him etc . She can't stand loud noises,being too close to people,she can't even sleep in her own room as she's scared that he will come. The person has admitted to sending her dirty messages to the police but the case did not go any further as dd didn't want to talk about what he did.

Camhs have said they cannot help her as it is not 'severe enough',I've tried private therapy but she refuses to talk in these sessions.

She is very withdrawn all the time,never looks happy but GP and camhs are saying she is just being a typical teenage girl .

I just want her to feel that she is able to talk about it and not feel ashamed. Right now she thinks it is all her fault and it doesn't help with family not believing her but I rely on family so much I'm finding it hard to cut them off.

When you see her she just looks like she's in a world of her own,she's become so pale and sad looking. I worry that one day she might take her own life

All you can do is keep the channels open so that when she does want to talk, she can.

Why do you have concerns about suicide? Is there anything specific?

I just wanted to comment on your dd not engaging with help. I was raped (many years ago now). The absolute last thing I wanted to do was talk to a stranger with a tilted head and clipboard, taking notes - my first and last experience of counselling. What I needed was someone I could spend time with who believed in me and saw my worth and overtime I knew I could open up when I needed to but I also could not talk about it if I didn't want to. Help doesn't always have to come from outside. Make time for activities you can do together and show her you like her for just being her. Let her know you care and you believe her. Laugh with her and cry with her. Her experiences with shape her future but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. You cannot change the past but you can help her take control of the future.
I'm sure you're probably doing most of that. When she says she needs help, ask her to talk and get her thoughts out. When someone tried to get me help I saw it as them passing my problem onto someone else so they didn't have to deal with me. Someone helping me because they're paid to really didn't help with my self worth (although logically they're qualified and experienced it makes total sense to get them to help, but raped teenage me wasn't very logical).

I should imagine having to go to social events where her abuser is, must feel like agony to her. I do think this needs to be addressed.

I'd be avoiding any family members who take that attitude. I'm guessing that the abuser is very credible and they're falling for it - is there any way of giving them proof of the dirty messages? If they acknowledged that then maybe they'd then see the pervert for what he is. And that in turn might help your DD. Otherwise I'd suggest talking to a rape crisis centre or somewhere similar that helps abused children - they might have a better idea of how to get her talking because it's probably talking that she really needs to do to help her. I feel for you both.

Motherofdragons makes some really good points - I hadn't even considered that involving a third party might be construed as passing the buck...

NSPCC, Rape crisis, Children 1st?

I wonder OP if you would benefit from support too? Organisations like Rape Crisis would also help you.

Her eating is also a big worry if she is only earing 1 veg smoothie a day. You say she isn't underweight though so did she have weight to lose or do you think she is eating more secretly? I agree with others. Let her know you are there to listen but there's no pressure. And try to encourage/join her in as many things she enjoys as you can.

Services for young people who have been abused are a little bit hit and miss. There is no one service who provide a service to all children in all locations but there may be something locally ( CAMHS don't specialise in sexual abuse cases which is why I mention this). In London there is a service called ISVA standing for Independent Sexual Violence Advisor who are funded by different charities. There are ISVAs who specialise in services for children and young people and can point you in the right direction of suitable help or can work directly with her. You need someone who is willing to spend some time getting to know your daughter - even if she's not ready to talk about the abuse. There are also clinics called SARC which can refer to counselling services in addition to conducting forensic medical exams - in London these centres are called Havens. ( there are three). You can usually self refer to these clinics and don't need the police involved if you don't want. Good luck.

Okay. I would make sure that your DD always has access to phone numbers such as Samaritans and Rape Crisis. I would also probably contact Beat <a class="break-all" href="//%5Bwww.b-eat.co.uk" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.b-eat.co.uk about her eating issues. (And get her to take a good multi-vitamin).

As your family I would refuse to go anywhere unless they guaranteed he would not be there. And would leave immediately. But I would also be cutting back contact with people who try to minimise this and socialise with someone like this.

Thank you everyone for advice. I will look into all organisations and charities mentioned.

M0theeofdragons,I'm sorry you had to go through that . I think this is exactly dd feels. A teacher tried to have a conversation with her last week to let her know that she is not alone and it ended with dd shouting in her face and telling her she's only asking because it's her job.

She says things like 'maybe the family will have less to worry about if I'm dead' or 'mam,how many people do you think will come to my funeral?', so I worry that she is suicidal.

Eating wise,there was a point where she was baldy underweight and then she started eating as usual. For the last month she has only been having one veg smoothie a day,she has lost weight,I can but I'm not sure if she is underweight. She is already a slim person.

MummyEire Does the GP know she says things like that?

Please DM me if you are in London - I have access to pan-london information on organisation that may be able to help you out - just let me know which borough you are in and which borough her GP is registered in.

The GP does know and as do the school. I will PM you know

Thank you to everyone who has been so helpful. Dd has had a bit of a breakdown. I asked her to come down and have dinner with me and she burst into tears. She told me she's scared that she's going to have to see him again and that he will do something to her. She's scared of the nightmares and flashbacks and that eating makes her sick and she can't stop self harming. She hates him ,she thinks it's all her fault and she feels so dirty,she wants to go to the police but doesn't want to talk to anyone about it.

Poor poor girl.

Your family who do not believe her are worse than awful. Do find a way to show her that they are wrong and you believe her 100%. Never put her in a situation where he might be there or she might fear he might be there. Twice is two timea too many.

If she wants to go to the police, support her.

I don't know if you are at all open to alternative therapies but Reiki might be able to help her. There is no magic solution but it doesn't involve talking and might help her feel more at ease.

If the GP knows she has been abused and is putting her behaviour down to normal teen behaviour, change GPs.

He sexually abused her from the age of 4 till 14. How was he able to do this? Why was she alone with him at 4?

Hi, I totally understand why your dd feels like she can't deal with talking about this as she no doubt relives it every time. Can I suggest you look into going to see a solution-focused hypnotherapist? Unlike other therapists they are trained to look at how she would like life to be and to help her, with baby steps, move towards it. There is no need at all for her to talk about anything that has happened to her at all if she doesn't want to, which she would most likely be grateful for. It can be incredibly effective. Let me know if you are interested and I can point you in the right direction as to find someone in your area.

Mynestisfullofempty Seriously? What an awful post.

OP - Please make sure your DD has the numbers for NSPCC and Samiritans tonight - so she has access to them whilst you are following up on the other organisations I sent you.

Wishing you both all the best - feel free to PM again if you need more help or advice.

He is someone the family trusted and have known from before she was born and he is married to another family member and she saw him at least 6 times a week. Any excuse for him to babysit,send us out to the shops,if she was in her room he would have an excuse to go to the bathroom. She lived with him and his wife last year which is how I found out. I don't know how I never noticed

I never knew reiki is done on humans as well as animals. She won't even let me hug her so I don't think she will do reiki . I will support her as much as I can if she decides to go to the police,though she said she's not sure if she can talk to them about it

Thank you . Lots of you have been so lovely to PM and give me some useful numbers. I have written out a little card of numbers and websites for DD.

bodidly can you PM me please. Perhaps other types of therapies until she feels she is able to talk might be helpful.

Then you need to make it categorically clear to her that neither of you will attend a family event ever again. And mean it. Going to events in the past when he has been there, despite being told he wouldn't be, means you cannot trust them, and by extension she cannot trust you when you say he won't be there.

The only way you can provide that reassurance is to never attend.

Please feel free to send me a direct message. I would be so happy to talk to her, it can be very isolating and knowing someone gets it helps a lot.

I was sexually abused from age 2-18 (petered out from 16) and suffered (still in treatment for) anorexia, self harmed a lot, attempted suicide many times, DID, PTSD, the lot.

CAHMS are shit.

Private charities do therapy. Get signposting from any RASASC type service, NSPCC, gp, etc. She won't want to open up. Opening up is not the point. Feeling happy is the point.
Go with a small goal that she agrees she wants to challenge. Being less of a perfectionist maybe? Something relatable to her age group.
Possibly talk to other survivors, and for you talk to other parents. Trust in the fact that she is significantly less likely to have long term problems as she has a mother who loves her.

Idk where you are in the country but would be happy to meet for coffee and chat if you want.

Just to add something about counselling :

There is absolutely no need for her ever to talk about what happened if she doesn't want to. What she can talk about are how things are now, what she finds difficult and how to come up with coping strategies and support ideas for today, and for the future. It can be more about building resilience and resources and healing going forwards than focusing on the past - sometimes knowing this can make a huge difference to someone wanting to access counselling or not wanting to access counselling.

Please make sure if you access private counselling they are registered with a professional body.

Your poor daughter, of course she needs help. I can't believe CAMHS have said that. Some of the children they see from the school where I work barely have any problems at all (I'm not saying they don't need the help, they do - but it's nothing compared to this.) My daughter sees them for 'just' an eating disorder. Your daughter's got that and so much more. Ridiculous.

This is probably a really naïve question but why isn't the person who abused her in prison?