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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think not every issue a child has needs to be sorted out by parents.

76 replies

Namechangebitch · 11/12/2016 12:08

Every little problem a child has with MIL, school, teacher, friend has to he sorted out by parents it seems. Parents need to wade in to solve the issue. Every problem needs a resolution.

I'm sure when I was young (cliche ??) we were just left to sort stuff out ourselves. Now obviously there were some draw backs to this, bullying, child abuse, being forced to have showers at school.......

But has the pendulum swung too far? Would a little bit of benign neglect do kids the world of good? They might have to solve their own problems. Sometimes everything isn't sorted out in life, you don't get invited to every one of life's metaphorical parties. If you did something wrong and you were told off by a relative/teacher/ stranger and you got upset, so what? Behave.

Not sure I agree with myself totally, but the urge to rush in all guns blazing, all the time can't be good. Just have a polite word with the teacher or just don't?

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 11/12/2016 16:05

I agree with Gnome and Laura and in hindsight I should have stepped in sooner. What i've done is let a 6 yr old get her self esteem well and truly knocked, told the school I think she could do with a bit more confidence and resilience and for it not to be made the other chidrens responsibilty and still other parents are getting their knickers in a twist.
I wonder know if I placed the opinions of others (whose opinions mean nothing in mine and DD's grand scheme of things) and the fear of being 'that' parent ahead of my own child's well being.

Sweets101 · 11/12/2016 16:06

I think our society is at a transition point. We're becoming increasingly aware of the failings of society in the past, but responding too far in the opposite direction can raise a new set of problems.

This ^^

corythatwas · 11/12/2016 16:06

I think it is also helpful for a child to know that they can go home and rant to their parents and it's safe: the parents will have the sense to distinguish between issues that need sorting, issues that need a comforting shoulder and issues that just need a few bracing words.

Children who don't trust their parents not to overreact stop telling them things.

Mine didn't overreact and actually do anything, but they would always assume that I was in the right, and they would remember it afterwards and hold it against people, and even that made me a bit wary.

corythatwas · 11/12/2016 16:09

Afraid I went too far in the opposite direction and failed to react when some really serious things were happening to dd, because I wanted to instil a "the teacher is always right" attitude (pendulum swinging back, yes I know...). I don't feel proud of that, but I think I have learnt from the experience: it's behaving like a pendulum that is wrong.

toffeeboffin · 11/12/2016 16:15

Worked in a secondary school and a parent called to asked 'do we attend the first day of school?' GrinConfused

'Not unless you want to repeat secondary school yourself ' I replied.

No way would they have asked that even ten years ago.

Parents going to talk to employers is mind boggling.

My mum thought she was being OTT when she brought home a job application for B&Q for me to complete! That was 1997.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 11/12/2016 16:18

Gnome

The girl is in year 11, so she is 15. She doesn't like exams and thinks she would do better in a room on her own, it would be less stressful than an exam hall. Nothing from a doctor or MH worker. No MH issues as far as school is aware. Her parent is worried because exams make her cry.

As a teacher with a heavy workload how much time would you spend on this?

OP posts:
brasty · 11/12/2016 16:34

Just because a child is crying or upset, it does not mean that an adult needs to always address the cause of that upset.

corythatwas · 11/12/2016 16:52

For that particular issue, Gnome, I would have a quick chat with the girl herself and explain that exam room on your own is only used for special medical/SN cases so she would need a doctor's note or similar. Suggest she sees school counsellor for techniques on how to calm nerves.

University lecturer here; we are always happy to accommodate students' needs, but not without the relevant paperwork. Which, to be fair, students tend to be very understanding of.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 11/12/2016 17:15

The point being the girls parents are making a fuss because her needs aren't being met. She now feels the school is unfair and 'something should be if she does not do well it will not be her fault. She is being faced with the same exam misery we all face. Hard luck. Get over it.

I look at the amount of self harming. It is a plague. Teenagers unable to cope with life and feeling desperate enough to do this. Why is this happening now when it was unheard of 30 years ago? I know it was happening in secret back then, but the difference in numbers is vast. Do some of these teens lack the skills to cope?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 11/12/2016 17:17

What would be unfair would be to put her in a room on her own without any evidence of medical need without doing the same for every nervous student. Nerves and exam anxiety are very common and unfortunately we can't all have special arrangements. That's why schools ask for medical evidence.

Bobochic · 11/12/2016 17:34

I agree with cory that it is absolutely crucial, as a parent, not to overreact to anything your DC tell you (however shocked you might be) as, if your DC see that you cannot cope with what they tell you, they will stop telling you anything. DC need to be able to process whatever goes on in their lives in a safe space, which ought to be home with their parents. The best way to gain resilience is to understand what is going on so that you can take appropriate steps to solve/avoid problems.

Bobochic · 11/12/2016 17:36

Exam halls are a feature of modern life. However unpleasant they may be (who actually likes them?) they are best faced up to.

TeenAndTween · 11/12/2016 18:26

re self harming.
I think the pressures are more these days:

  • Way more pressure that exams are very important
  • Social media / being online 24/7 puts tremendous pressure on kids
  • More access to others with a skewed view on life via online forums too, validating feelings and encouraging dangerous behaviours.

Also things go in fashions. I didn't know self harmers, but could have named a few anorexics.

brasty · 11/12/2016 18:49

I knew plenty of people sniffing glue when I was a kid.
I agree that negative ways of coping for teenagers, seems to go in trends.

RebelRogue · 11/12/2016 18:53

I started self harming at 14, I'm 31 now.I didn't even knew it had a name. I didn't knew if anyone else was doing it(though I recognise it as such in the behaviours of some people i knew). It all started from a really stupid attempt to kill myself,but i was too much of a chicken to cut too deep. However, that's when i discovered that it did give me relief,and i could(just barely) cope with whatever was going on. Just saying.

brasty · 11/12/2016 18:56

And there used to be very little places for teenagers to get support except through parents. So I am very mistrustful of any statistics around this.

Basicbrown · 11/12/2016 19:04

Bobochic that sounds like logical, wise advice that I will bear in mind for the future....

GnomeDePlume · 11/12/2016 19:07

If the student struggles more than most with exam room stress isn't it in the interest of both student and school to try to alleviate some of that stress and help her to achieve good results?

Mindtrope · 11/12/2016 19:11

I mostly disagree OP.

I grew up in the 60s. Bullying at school was considered normal, as was mild sexual abuse, groping uncles fondling 12 year olds etc.
I was desperately unhappy as a child by many situations which were considered up to the child to sort out- teachers and parents wrote off concerns as kids stuff.
Children need to be taught and shown how to handle bad situations, and it's up to us as parents to steer them though this.

Bobochic · 11/12/2016 19:20

I don't think it's good for DC to have special treatment for exams unless they have some sort of SN. Life doesn't come with special treatment and key milestones need to be met under the same conditions as everyone else in order to be meaningful. Part of an exam is the conditions in which it is taken.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 11/12/2016 20:03

Gnome students who need a scribe have rooms on their own, students who need a reader have rooms on their own, students who need extra time or who use laptops have special roons, students with medical issues have rooms on their own, students with MH issues have rooms on their own. Exactly how are school's going to cope with students who just don't like it much!

Why shouldn't every child whose parents make enough fuss have a room on their own? Sometimes there is no easy solution and you just have to get on with it.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 11/12/2016 23:25

Another one who grew up in the 60s and I can well remember how surprised I was to find out I wasn't the first person who had thought of self-harming. Bet there were quite a few of my peers who had the same surprise. But we none of us talked to each other.

What I did know about at the time was the eating disorders (at least 3 in the class), glue-sniffing and excessive alcohol consumption. They were less easy to hide than self-harming.

As for my own problems, I could never ask for help, so they did go on affecting my life for decades. But never made it into any statistics. Dd otoh has featured in statistics, but I also think, with the help that she has been given, that she is better placed in many ways to face adult life.

GnomeDePlume · 12/12/2016 09:00

Namechange this may be the one person who has involved a parent but that doesnt mean they are the only person struggling.

Talking with my DD about this she did comment that in her school no effort is made to dampen sound in the exam hall so it is a cacophony of scraping chairs/desks, coughing etc.

Is yours something similar?

This doesnt mean to say you are able to solve it totally but at least acknowledging there is a problem and looking at ways to reduce the stressful atmosphere for all can go a long way.

Many students end up involving parents in issues because they feel that their legitimate concerns are being brushed off.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 09:06

Gnome, I think this is partly what this thread is about: in the case of healthy students with no SNs- are we actually doing them a favour if we try to take all stress elements out of their lives? Won't it come as a terrible shock to them when they walk out into the real world of noise and bustle and unreasonable customers shouting at them?

I do have a child with some MH issues and what I want is not actually for her path to be made smooth: I want it to be just smooth enough for it not to break her but rugged enough to make her feel that she is successfully dealing with some adversity. It's a fine balance, but one where you can help a lot as a parent by not being too quick to react.

BowieFanMk2 · 12/12/2016 09:54

I know what you mean, I'm a teacher and there are times when I do wonder why I have to get in touch with parents.

Take two friends who have a tiff and hit each other a couple of times. Obviously, not good, but I know they'll end up making friends by tomorrow so what's the point in me ringing their parents? When I was at school, they wouldn't ring my parents unless blood was drawn, and even then only at a push.