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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

abusive?

32 replies

Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 01:04

Tonight Dh has been doing a lot of wind ups and spouting off at the TV etc for eg he called a female apprentice candidate a cow. A little later, ds was being grumpy, told me I was being annoying and said' shut up mum' - very unusual as he is quite polite. Not said aggressively but obviously that's rude. At the same moment Dh started laughing and I said why are you laughing its not funny, to which Dh said 'Piss off, you old cow! I can laugh if I want to! ' when I then said that was rude, he said no I was being rude telling him off for laughing.
I find all this really annoying and confusing- surely that's really bad behaviour and not excused by the fact I was saying not to laugh as ds was being rude? Dh may not have been listening to ds and was possibly listening to his I pad and hence some misunderstanding about that part, but surely it's just out of order to say what he said, regardless of his reasoning?

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WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 01:16

Your husband called you an old cow. Hmm Your question should be concerned less about whether you should have told him not to laugh when DS was playing up and more about how to deal with the underlying lack of respect in your marriage. I am sure you love him, but, based on this, he sounds like a knob.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 01:19

I was very shocked about being told to Piss off as well. Surely that's just completely out of order?

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WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 01:23

It is, OP. Is this a new kind of behaviour for your DH? Or has it happened before?

I will be honest with you. Right now, I am more sad that you are asking whether you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. Are you struggling with your own self worth at the moment? I ask because I have been there and accepted (despite being upset by) despicable behaviour from my DP back then.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 01:29

Yes I'm having some problems with anxiety at the moment more work related, but no it's not new, but has been more settled recently and this sort of thing completely takes me buoy surprise. To be honest I am at a loss to know what to do about it- be angry, tell him it's unacceptable( I did) , feel as if with that lack of respect we get divorced etc etc

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WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 01:37

You definitely need to assertively tell him how how behaviour makes you feel. In fact, doing so could actually help your anxiety. You don't need to decide at this stage how far you take it if it doesn't change. Have that conversation next after you have had time to gather your thoughts on what his reaction to the first conversation is. But just be true to yourself about what impact his reactions have on your love for him.

I am sorry, OP. I don't know what else to suggest because everyone's curcumstances is different.

I still can't get my head around the fact he called you an old cow! Awfuk!

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 01:48

He knows I'd find that very offensive. When I told him so, he just raised his voice saying ' hang in, you're the one who said not to laugh'

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 12:31

Yes unfortunately it seems clear to me today that his behaviour is affecting my emotional health, if not one of the causes. Today I feel slightly worried and tearful, even though I know he will have forgotten all about it.
It's difficult because it sets me back when I am already working through some difficult and upsetting things.

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MrsDustyBusty · 11/12/2016 12:35

Nobody needs to be treated like that in their own home. For any reason. You should be comfortable and at ease at home, not watching on while your husband trains your son to speak to you with shocking disrespect. Nobody should speak to their mother or spouse like that.

Could you consider some kind of counselling to help with anxiety and to come up with a strategy for dealing with this?

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 12:36

That's a terrible thing to say and an awful lesson to teach his son. It's deeply offensive. I also think the fact you have to ask if this is ok or not is concerning. You clearly need to tell him how not ok this is and spell out the repercussions if he does it again. He is bullying you and teaching his kids it's good to do so.

Trifleorbust · 11/12/2016 12:41

I occasionally tell my DH to piss off but I'm not being serious - I think comments like that are quite dependent on tone. I think in front of your son and in the circumstances you describe it was completely unacceptable.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 14:56

Thankyou all. It's interesting how this is making me feel today- having been fine last little while, am tearful, worried and stressed. It feels like he is a big part of the problem. It's also shameful- I find it hard to talk about because it's embarrassing.

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Boundaries · 11/12/2016 14:59

Hello!

He's part of the problem, for sure. X

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 16:13

Hi Boundaries, nice to see you againXx

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 20:05

Just re read my Op : it seems like he was laughing which I thought was out of order as if he was laughing at ds saying shut up, but probably it was at his I pad video or something, then because I told him off, he said Piss off you old cow, when I said he was out of line, he raised his voice saying ' hang on, you were the one who said I was laughing idiotically !' - I did, which I wouldn't normally say but he was really guffawing and I thought it was to ds. So some misunderstanding there, but it is his manner, raising his voice , and his choice of words . The depressing thing is, I knew he was going to say it or something very similar.

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Ahickiefromkinickie · 11/12/2016 20:22

Sorry, OP, but it does sound like he was laughing at your DS and then covering by making you out to be the bad guy.

He should have asked why you told him off for laughing (if he was indeed laughing at iPad) and not told you to 'piss off you old cow'. He should have backed you in telling DS off for saying 'shut up mum'.

No mystery where your DS is learning to say 'shut up' to you.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 21:36

So gutted about this, at the same time trying to keep calm and not dwell on it for my own sake, but so disappointing when things have been going better. It's as if he doesn't realise that would be upsetting? I find it very hard to speak to him as I feel scared he'll be angry, and also it's embarrassing and gives him even more of the upper hand.

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baconandeggies · 11/12/2016 21:47

If you can't speak openly and freely to your partner then there's a big prob. It's telling that his first instinct was verbal abuse. Oh - he knows full well it would have been upsetting - it's language intended to wound.

baconandeggies · 11/12/2016 21:49

You shouldn't have to explain how being verbally abused made you feel... You just have to tell him it's unacceptable and if he's unapologetic or there's a repeat performance then you'll have some thinking to do.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 22:02

Well I told him at the time it was unacceptable, and he countered with how I had told him off for laughing.
I think I need to tell him in the cold light of day. From the heart, little though I want to. But it has happened before and is a uptake typical- he thinks I've provoked him, and he is very insulting.
I had a separate problem today - and this made me cry. Dh called me as I couldn't meet him and on the phone I started to cry and then cried for about an hour. How can I live with someone who could speak to me like that. Not only that, but the problem I had today ( can't say it's a bit outing) for sake of argument let's say the electricity went off because I didn't pay the bill- but he is leaving all of the bills to me, as well as holding down a ft tough job and going through some unhappy stuff at the moment. It's so clear he hasn't a clue. Think he's just come back.

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MrsDustyBusty · 11/12/2016 22:54

Wooly, is there somewhere you could go for a few days? It sounds as though you could really do with some time to yourself.

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 23:16

So he just came back. I have told him in no uncertain terms, what I think. Repeatedly, because I was also slightly challenging to him, I have had to listen to how it was my fault because I provoked him. But I stuck to my guns, I told him he takes it to another level , an aggressive insulting one. I asked him if he ever said that to his own mother. Or his aunts. I asked him what she would have thought if she heard it. I told him he is bullying me and not admitting it because he thinks it's justified and can get away with it. I told him he should take care because one day something could happen like divorce, and he will wonder why, so that is why I'm spelling it out to him today. I cried. He took more notice. I left him in no doubt whatsoever I will not out up with this, that I know it's bullying and it's unacceptable. I don't know why I feel I need to explain and let him have that chance to I dress and it's just the way I am. It took so long to explain it and still I feel as if he thinks it justified as I provoked him.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 11/12/2016 23:36

I hate to spend time on this when I could have enjoyed my day. I think if this happens again, I should get the divorce, because this made me feel really bad.

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Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 12/12/2016 09:16

New day. Things becoming clearer- so many spoilt weekends . When I was talking to him last night he was watching TV throughout. He knows what he's doing very well.

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baconandeggies · 12/12/2016 09:58

Well done for saying your piece Woolly. Was he not apologetic at all?

Original poster
Woollymammoth63 · 12/12/2016 10:13

At first there was a lot of indignation and how it was my fault for provoking him. First there was a sarcastic oh I'm soo sorry blah blah. Then, After my tears, and a lot of reiteration he backed down and said it was something he ' would rather not have said' .

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