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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i wrong for my dad not seeing my daughter on her birthday

32 replies

user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:25

my daughters birthday was yesterday and i took her past my mums so she could give her a present. my dad wasn't there even though he knew i would be going round. i told my mum straight after school but she told my dad i would be there later. i asked my mum where my dad was and she said he has gone out and i said when is he coming back and she said a lot later but i don't know when. my daughter got the present and then we left. my dad phoned later to say he was rushing home to see her and i explained what my mum said and he then started shouting at me cos he never saw her but i did offer to take her back or for him to come round and he said no. he said happy birthday to my daughter on the phone and got upset cos we were going to my in laws so they could give her the present too. he shouted about that too and put the phone down on me. so was i really wrong for not staying at my mums when she said she didn't know how long or when my dad would be home.

OP posts:
RainbowJack · 11/12/2016 00:28

but i did offer to take her back or for him to come round and he said no.

He behaved like a child.

You weren't wrong not to stay.

Ginkypig · 11/12/2016 00:30

Tell him to grow up.

If he wanted to see her he should have been there it's not like he can say he didn't know when you'd be round.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:32

my mum and dad haven't phoned me today but i haven't contacted them either. my dad said that it wasn't fair as both my in laws would be seeing my daughter and he hadn't seen his grand daughter. my mum was upset as well cos my dad was upset.

OP posts:
IMissGrannyW · 11/12/2016 00:32

can he not come round to yours?????

lorelairoryemily · 11/12/2016 00:33

Oh my god tell him to grow up!! If he had told your mum he was going to be home, she could've told you and you could have waited. Their fault entirely, you did nothing wrong

Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:33

my daughter finishes school at 250 so i was at my mum's house by 320 and my dad didn't come home until after 4 but he knew i was coming round

OP posts:
RainbowJack · 11/12/2016 00:35

it wasn't fair as both my in laws would be seeing my daughter and he hadn't seen his grand daughter.

Well he should have agreed to you going back or him coming to yours instead of throwing his toys out of the pram.

Do they always emotionally blackmail you like this?

Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:35

i did try to tell my dad that my mum told me he was out and she didn't know when he would be home but he told me to leave my mum out of it

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:37

my husband said if he really wanted to he would have come round here when he got home knowing we were there waiting

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Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 00:43

my dad works monday to wednesday so he was off work yesterday

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TathitiPete · 11/12/2016 00:52

No, op, you weren't wrong at all. You have to put DD first and that meant not waiting around for an indeterminate time for your father. I think yanbu.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 11/12/2016 00:56

Your dad sounds less mature than a school age child. If your parents got crossed wires about timings that's not your problem.

hippyhippyshake · 11/12/2016 01:15

You couldn't even stay for an hour to see if he came home? Especially as your mum had told him you'd be there later.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 08:32

to hippyhippyshake
i did stay for 40 mins but i had to go home as well as i had a friend of mine coming round at just after 4 to give my daughter a present

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 08:36

to hippyhippyshake
and even if i had my friend not coming round to give my daughter a present i don't see why i should wait for my dad to come home. my dad wasn't working on friday he works monday to wednesday and he knew i would be round with my daughter after school. so why would my dad wait all day to go out when he knew i would be coming round?

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 11/12/2016 09:27

Its an unfortunate clashing of timing but if people knew you'd be there and they weren't its not your fault. His response is very childish.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 11/12/2016 09:38

i am very very angry at both of them and very upset with them too. my mum knew full well i would be there with my daughter after school and i told her to tell my dad as well. my dad should have been there knowing i would be round with my daughter after school. whether i stayed for a tea or waited/not waited is not the point as the point is they both knew i would be going round. so my dad not seeing his grand daughter cos he decided to go out around the time i would be there is his own fault and not mine. i did offer to bring her round after or for him to come round but he told me no so not much i can do and as for saying my in laws would be seeing her and he hasn't well what can I say? he should of taken up the offer i put up to him. he also as he wasn't working should not have been out at that time he had all day to go out and he decides to go out at the time i would be taking my grand daughter round. rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473872482 · 12/12/2016 15:31

my parents haven't contacted me all weekend and not even today. should i call them even though i did nothing wrong or wait and see if and when they will call me?

OP posts:
Isetan · 12/12/2016 15:47

Stop pandering to their childishness. I'm guessing from your reaction that this type of petulance isn't a recent development. You can't change them but you can and should stop indulging them. Them not calling you is probably a deliberate act to manipulate an apology from you.

Grumpyoldblonde · 12/12/2016 16:04

Are you expected to spend Christmas with your parents? This can't be the first time they have behaved this way, are they often so petulant?

Original poster
user1473872482 · 12/12/2016 16:09

yes isetan u r completely right. them not calling me cos they think i will phone them to see how they r and they will most probably expect a sorry from me too.

grumpyoldblonde i am not spending christmas day with them as i have already made plans to spend it with my in laws but i did suggest that i could come for breakfast in the morning and was told by my mum she will be busy cooking and then i did suggest another day to be told again by my mum she is only doing one day over christmas and if i am not there she is not doing another day.

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Grumpyoldblonde · 12/12/2016 16:25

They sound delightful, I am sorry. So they won't see your daughter over Christmas?
Hardly an effort to have someone round for a coffee and a croissant, I can't understand them saying they will only do one day when you suggested breakfast. Their loss I reckon.

BobbyNoggle · 12/12/2016 16:26

YADNBU
Did your dad offer you any reason why he wasn't there, despite arrangements being in place?
TBH really the phone conversation should have been the other way around; I would have interpreted that as your dad couldn't be bothered to be there.
I think you need to detach & stand back a bit, it does sound as if you're being emotionally manipulated by both your parents - and they seem to want to play top trumps with the ILs. One way around this in future is never tell them anything about the ILs.
I used to find this type of carrying-on very wearying and as if I was splitting myself in two to please / compromise with everyone's wishes.
My advice is leave it a bit to be in contact & be a bit cool with them. Don't share any info about what you're up to as re ILs either. It sounds as if it'll be used against you later.

Original poster
user1473872482 · 12/12/2016 16:42

maybe i might give it until the end of the week and if they have still not contacted me i will give them a phone call but be really cool about things and just do small talk. but if they say anything like oh u haven't phoned us all week what should i say as i don't want to say anything to set anyone off again as it's not long till christmas anyway

OP posts:
BobbyNoggle · 12/12/2016 16:45

If they ask say either:
I've been v busy looking after DD or
Turn it around -well you haven't rung me -why not?