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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has painted her brother's face.

76 replies

HardLightHologram · 10/12/2016 17:59

Using my makeup.

Doublewear, my Benefit pallet, a Lancôme eyeliner. Etc.

More makeup than I would get through in six months.

A few months ago I found the £40 cleanser I'd 'lost' in her bedroom, empty. As you can imagine, words were had. So it's not like she doesn't know not to use my stuff.

She has just screamed at me that if I don't want her to use my stuff I shouldn't keep it in the family bathroom.

She is twelve.

She has masses and masses of her own stuff but she has just told me she prefers mine because it's nicer. No idea why she felt the need to use my nice stuff as fucking face paint on ds.

I can't even look at her right now. She also tried to blame her brother. She painted his face, but tried to tell us he did it.

Other than keep it under lock and key, how the fuck do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2016 18:41

Oh god, don't take away her Xmas presents and make her pay for it out of that,, that's beyond cruel. This is a child who may have mental health issues according to her mum, some of the suggestions on here are simply cruel.

Punish her, sure, maybe ground her for a week, but Jesus Christ this is a 12 year old. Yes she knew, and yes she did wrong, as most of us have at some point, but moving it into months worth of punishment where she gets no pocket money to pay for it or not giving Xmas presnts to replace it is horrible. There is ways to teach kids and these punishments absolutely do not fit the crime.

Witchend · 10/12/2016 18:44

How old is her brother though? Assuming he's above toddler age he must have had some positive involvement. I wouldn't let him off scot free either.

zzzzz · 10/12/2016 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 10/12/2016 18:47

I think you did well to walk away and not escalate this Wine

I hope you find out a way of helping her deal with the core issue because that sort of goading behaviour is horrible to have to deal with so regularly.

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 18:48

Don't take her Christmas presents away. A reasonable and firm punishment is enough. Go overboard and you will do more damage than the good you do in trying to correct her behaviour.

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 10/12/2016 18:50

Ds is 5. She told him it was her makeup.

Yes there is a backstory where it's all my fault (bipolar alcoholic) but I'm not actuallly sure it makes much difference in this case. She still did something extremely spiteful and wrong and there needs to be consequences.

I won't be taking Christmas presents away though!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 18:51

She did. The backstory doesn't need telling here. Just make sure she knows this is unacceptable without going tit for tat with her.

OurBlanche · 10/12/2016 18:53

You were probably right to let DH talk to her. But have you had any help rebuilding your mother/daughter relationship with her? You can't keep on walking away and letting him deal, she will get a weird message from that.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 10/12/2016 18:53

Seems to me that any child unable to comprehend asking before using someone else's belongings is too young to have her own make up.

NameChangedBecause · 10/12/2016 18:54

id not even bother with the argument other than a simple you've ruined my makeup.... I'd just take all her makeup, hide it, hide my own and let her get pissed off and realise what she's done

OurBlanche · 10/12/2016 18:54

Oh, ad as Trifle said, the backstory is not needed here, that there is one is enough info!

I do hope you can get this sorted, she deserves it, as do you!

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 10/12/2016 19:08

Thanks.

I only walked away earlier to calm down, we'd have been at each other otherwise and that wouldn't have helped.

Dh mediated and we all came to a solution.

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 10/12/2016 19:18

Boundaries. Why is she able to access your stuff without asking?

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 10/12/2016 19:22

She's not! I'm quite firm on boundaries, they're not supposed to go in my room if I'm not in there, no going in my handbag, no helping themselves to food without asking. Out of the three, she is the only one who constantly flouts this.

And it's not just my stuff, she was wearing her brother's socks earlier ffs.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 10/12/2016 19:24

Hiya I thought it was you.
It's very 'your DD' to do this. As you know my DD is very similar and I think there are very similar issues at play despite my DD being 4 years younger.

And it is very much issues with the DD opposed to issues with you so don't be hard on yourself.

You know despite this kind of stuff that your DD is a lovely kind girl and not at all spoiled. There's 'something else' which is just a very small part of who she is.

I know you shouldn't have to do it but I got so sick of my make up being mullered (and rather than being expensive stuff I just can't afford to replace it) that I do now hide it and keep it under lock and key.

Also think it was very wise of DH to mediate. Personally with my DD it was a case of refusing treats to the value of what I had to replace.

BishopBrennansArse · 10/12/2016 19:26

Oh and if it's any consolation DS1 is the same age and he's just vile for the hell of it sometimes.

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 10/12/2016 19:35
Flowers
OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 10/12/2016 20:01

She sounds exactly like DD, no advice, wish I did.

RB68 · 10/12/2016 20:29

I would def say its not uncommon - its about it being Mums stuff - but the fact that she has ruined it is wrong.

My DD is v into make up etc and aged 11, her friend is 12 and her mother has similar issues as you - some of it is attention seeking some of it is a kind of whats yours is mine attitude.

I think my approach would be no make up for one month. Nothing at all remove everything from her and lock yours up. Chores to repay are far ore effective than stopping pocket money and so on. So assign a value to chores that is fair and let her get on with it. If they are not done right then the total doesn't go down. The removing make up from her is about if she doesn't have respect for other peoples stuff then she doesn't get to have stuff either.

DD has better make up than me but that is what she wanted to spend her allowance on. Its not a massive allowance - works out £7 odd a week but she has to get the majority of what she wants out of that, pay for youth club and sweets, presents for friends etc. She tends to use it for bigger things. For me this has stopped her raiding my stuff, but the first time she did I showed her how to use everything and explained why you don't gouge things or press to hard etc, more about not damaging your skin as well as the make up items and I explained that I couldn't afford to replace things so if she ruined mine I would have to have hers!!

Good Luck and don't feel too down about it they do push boundaries at this age, she is not out of kilter with others the same age

ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2016 21:02

Difficult one as it seems her behaviours are part of the wider problems you have.

EZA15 · 11/12/2016 12:51

Has she always been one to flout the rules or only since she started entering the 'almost teenage years'? Could she be being bullied at school and acting out? I only ask because I was a shit at that age but was going through some horrible stuff that I couldn't / wouldn't tell anyone about

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 11/12/2016 13:01

No, she's always been like this since she was a toddler.

I had pnd and then left her twat father when she was two, he hasn't seen her since (his choice). Add to that my previously undiagnosed MH issues and the fact she's a middle child and unfortunately it's all led to her having what we think are attachment issues.

We try very very hard with her. She has input from Young Carers and has a counsellor at school, she gets far more of our time than the boys (who are both very easy natured) and does loads of hobbies.

She is actually much better since she started at secondary, she is a model student and very popular.

We love her so much but it's very trying. It's not her fault though, ultimately, and we are conscious of that.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 11/12/2016 14:21

You know my thoughts, and it's not necessarily attachment. It's just a shame there isn't the diagnostic pathway locally to help both our girls x

Original poster
HardLightHologram · 11/12/2016 15:42

True x

OP posts:
DotForShort · 11/12/2016 16:01

O.K., I think I have participated in some of your other threads. It is really impossible to separate the overall family dynamics from your daughter's behaviour. You can't say, "I'm not actually sure it makes much difference" that she is growing up in a household that is coping with the challenges of alcoholism, bipolar, the consequences of your PND years ago. It does make a difference. If this incident had occurred in a family not facing those many challenges, my response might be different. But all behaviour is communication. She is telling you something here, and the response shouldn't be exclusively disciplinary IMO. Yes, you may choose to have her pay for the makeup. But that could be coupled with a more complex, nuanced approach. Have you heard of BCLC (Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control)? It might be worth investigating.

I really worry that your DD has become the scapegoat in your household while your sons are the golden boys. But her actions sound like confused expressions of anger about the circumstances of her life and the family situation. Listen to her. She is the canary in the coal mine.