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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lazy hubby

35 replies

awsome · 17/02/2007 14:47

is it just mine? my hubby has become so lazy, he goes to work but thats it,he doesnt help around the house or with the kids unless i make him feel guilty,i am sick of picking up after him,i dont know what to do

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 17/02/2007 14:49

Message withdrawn

DizzyBint · 17/02/2007 14:51

i think it depends what your set up is.

how old are the kids? what hours does your dh do? has he never helped at home? do you go out to work?

obviously you aren't happy. talk to him.

fireflyfairy2 · 17/02/2007 14:58

Mu dh leaves for work every morning at 6.40. He's home again about 5.40. If I am in the middle of dinner, he helps me out, or sorts the kids out. I am full time at university, although it's not a paying job, I am not at home every day. I am at home more hours than he is though, which means I make sure he has a tidy'ish home to come home to. At the weekends he helps get the kids sorted.

TBH I learnt a long time ago to speak up if I was unhappy with whatever the situation was. People treat you the way you let them treat you... if you don't let him treat you like a skivvy then he won't

Tell him you need/want him to do a, b & c.

RedLorryYellowLorry · 17/02/2007 15:01

I agree, tell him what you're not happy about. Dh works long hours sometimes 7 days a week but that doesn't mean I'm his skivvy.

lazyline · 17/02/2007 15:16

What I have gathered over the years is that generally, with men, you have to tell them what you want. You can't just seethe inside and expect them to pick up on it. They don't. You have to be forthright. I assumed that because I can pick up on the moods of others, he could too. Not the case.

suzycreamcheese · 17/02/2007 15:17

everyone should help in a house...also bad example for kids etc.. if you dont wont to be picking up for all of them in time then its time to change..

margo1974 · 17/02/2007 15:20

My dh makes me laugh, we want to put our house up for sale and we have a few things to do before it's sale ready. As he is off this weekend I have asked him to do some sorting out (i.e. the cupboard ynder the stairs)

The next thing I know, he's gone to wash our car! Erm, how does that help to tidy the house?

Maybe I should ask him to wash the car and he will help me tidy the house!

Original poster

awsome · 17/02/2007 15:36

i do work but only about a week out of a month altogether,i dont mind doing the house work or looking after the kids,i would just like him to bath the kids once in a while or read them a story,put them to bed or feed the baby while i cook dinner.i have asked him but most of the time he says hes busy or in a min but never does,it just seems that he always has an exuse he only works from 830 to 430.

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 17/02/2007 15:40

What does he be doing when you are trying to make dinner with one hand & feed the baby with the other?

Sounds to me like he needs a good kick in the goolies.

Or, just hand him the baby's dinner & shove him in the direction of the baby

LowFatMilkshake · 17/02/2007 15:40

I would ask him for more help.

My DH works 4-1, takes me to work (when not on mat leave) comes home and deals with children and does some housework. I prep dinner but he cooks and serves depending if I get a bus on time. He baths DD while I deal with DS and get PJ's ready tidy rooms etc. In the evening when children are in bed that's when we both get to relax and do stuff we want to do!

LowFatMilkshake · 17/02/2007 15:41

thats 4am-1pm!

WideWebWitch · 17/02/2007 15:42

Don't do it, absolutely. Go off for a few days on your own so he gets an idea of just how much needs doing. Make sure you leave the fridge empty.

Pann · 17/02/2007 15:45

Potential big problem www - it assumes he would notice things not being done!!! High risk strategy, IMHO.

Can only commend the "ABC" approach. And then after a bit, the ABC approach repeated...and then after a further bit.....

Aloveheart · 17/02/2007 15:55

That sounds exactly like my ex h.

Tell him before you end up resenting him.

fireflyfairy2 · 17/02/2007 15:58

I just can't understand what he is doing when he sees you run off your feet. I have 4 sisters & none of their hubbies would act like that either... so it's not a problem with men in general... you definitely need to sort it out.

AdelaideS · 17/02/2007 15:59

I'm with lazyline...spell it out. You can do it quite nicely in the first instance, more likely to get results ime.

Pann · 17/02/2007 15:59

What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

On a drum machine you only have to thump in the instructions once.......

KayVeeKayBee · 18/02/2007 00:54

Awsome, it's not only your husband.
I'm coming back from the brink of murder/divorce because mine was (still isn't) pulling his weight around the house. Was actually feeling depressed up until yesterday when I found out that NO, IT'S NOT JUST ME. I called a friend up to pour my heart out and instead she poured her heart out to me - in the end it made us both feel better.

I've decided that I am not putting up with this crap anymore. I can't be winning 49% of the bread and doing 98% of the housework. Operation 'Get Hubby off his lazy arse' began yesterday.

KayVeeKayBee · 18/02/2007 00:58

I'm trying, 'Tell him exactly what needs to be done' first. Don't give him too much to do one time - he's not a woman, he cannot multitask - and don't get fed up and do it for him (that's what he wants).

bambino1 · 18/02/2007 10:12

I have exactly the same problem. I mean don't get me wrong he does work very hard but to be quite honest so do I! I work 30hrs a week+all the housework+care for dd. He doesn't seem to realise how annoying it is when he emptys his pockets filled with rubbish on the side next to the bin but can't be bothered to lift the lid and put it in.
oh there are thousands of things that annoy me but I love him to bits and i'm sure I annoy him quite alot to. Swings and roundabouts really.

lazyline · 18/02/2007 21:49

If you do decide to go down the instructing route, it does have to be one thing at a time. If I give my DH more than one thing to do, he immediately forgets the second one, does the first and then thinks he is done. Lists are good. I thought that he might feel a bit henpecked, but he seems to like knowing where he stands.

Remember though, you can't expect everything to be done to your standards. You have to accept that he has done it. Although this does not allow him to do a shitty job in order to prevent being asked again!

clemsterdarcy · 18/02/2007 22:01

I'm with www.

And for positive encouragement and reinforcement (bit like dog-training really!).

I went away for 2 days leaving him in 'total control' of dd (20 weeks).

When I came back he said, "I honestly didn't realise how exhausting it is being with the baby all day and I didn't really have any housework to do ... I have a much easier time going into an office". He made a point of saying he would make efforts to do those little things that help you with the day like making the bed, making me tea first thing etc etc etc. And totally took over the supper stuff plus ALWAYS let's me have a lie-in Sat and Suns to catch up on sleep.

Infact he said the 2 days alone made him realise what an amazing job I was doing.

I pop the occasional card/note in his pocket to say thanks and remind him that it is the little, daily things that help.

Oh -- and I worked pretty hard at getting the vocab and mindset right ... so when he said "Shall I change her nappy for you" I would respond ... "No, change YOUR daughter's nappy for HER" etc ...

Communicate ... telepathy ain't a man's strong point(or woman's come to that)! If you aren't heard ... a strop, a wander on your own and time out does work.

Judy1234 · 18/02/2007 22:54

Never marry these men in the first place. You need a normal man who does as much as you. They do exist. Don't tolerate lack of fairness at home. He will do what you let him do or don't do so you make him how he is by tolerance or doing those things.

There doens't need to be any shouting, nagging or fighting about it. Just calmly tell him you need his help or you cannot carry on and that these are the jobs - give him a written list, you need him to do each night. It might be always doing the baths of the children or always doing the cooking or the person who does XYZ. Try not to share jobs. Make sure it's 100% his responsibility. Try to make sure it's a job he will have to do like feed everyone so that if it isnt' done he'll have 3 children kciking his ankles screaming for food not some obscure job that could wait like tidying a cupboard.

The going away for 2 days leaving him to do everything is a good plan too.

I always find going back to full time work makes all these things easier too particularly if you can earn a huge lot more than he does.

chipmonkey · 18/02/2007 23:18

Trouble is, Xenia, they're all Valentine cards and red roses before you marry them aren't they? A good thing can be to look at their father. My FIL has always helped out around the house, so my dh thinks it's a normal thing to do. I work Saturdays and I generally come home to a clean kitchen, he's training the ds's in as well!

Gameboy · 18/02/2007 23:32

Hmm ... similar problem here, except that DH THINKS genuinely that he is 'helping' but his choice of 'useful jobs' is dire...

Yesterday he went out and 'cut back bushes in the garden) for 2 hours. When he rolled in at 5.45 m ( 30 mins too late to help make supper for the kids...) he couldn't understand why I was miffed ( I had made cooked lunch alreday that day). His defence is always 'well, YOU can go and cut the hedges if you want....'

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