Can't stay can't go, AIBU to think I'm trapped

[aquabluepool]

I can't stay because I don't love my husband any more and I don't think I ever did. But I can't leave because I'd be leaving my child behind and that would ruin child's life. I can't leave and take my baby with me because I don't love the baby and I hate being a mum. And the only thing worse than staying with husband and baby is being with baby without the husband.

OP, everything you say about the baby is how I was. Honestly. I said I wasn't depressed cos I was fine when DH was around. I said I hated being a mum and couldn't do it. I walked out once and almost walked out many other times. I hated being alone with DD.

I had PND. And I got help and things got better.

Please please speak to someone again, or someone different. It seriously sounds like PND from what you've said.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time.
What do you mean you didn't want to be a parent and DH persuaded you into it? Are we talking coercion? Could you tell us a little about your relationship with DH before and after the baby came? If you want to that is.

I have an attachment disorder! Shitty home life makes it hard to adjust.
Counselling makes it so much easier to handle.

Well, whatever you do have is best diagnosed either way to give you another option / avenue?
You're stuck with leaving / not leaving. If you have a condition for which some sort of medical / emotional therapy might assist in giving you a different choice - slant? Why not try it?
Also, your attitude anout work etc - you may feel very matter of fact but it is coming across as very negative (and negative in yourself) which does smack if depression.
I hope you try to explore some options.

sounds to me like you were pressured/coerced into having a baby when you knew you weren't ready.
So your feeling of resentment is valid.
Did you tell your dh why you didn't want/feel ready for dc?

Now everybody expects you to just get on with it.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your dh.
Tell him he needs to take over the primary carer role so you can come to terms with this life change.
Yes, it may mean changes to jobs/income/house etc but your well being is more important.

You've already got the bond with your baby or you wouldn't be feeling so conflicted over whether to stay or go.
I think the anger, resentment and anxiety is preventing you from bonding further with your dc - and also from seeing any sort of 'light in the tunnel'.

I would stay on the meds as they will help stop you sinking further into despair. (no - you haven't hit rock bottom yet)
Be brutally honest with your gp and get on that waiting list to see a therapist.

Don't keep your feelings inside. They deserve to be heard.
Just a shame your dh was too selfish to actually hear what you were saying or take your feelings into consideration.

He won't, ThisThing, he just won't. It wouldn't even be a discussion!

aquabluepool "I'm probably going to be sacked actually, and we couldn't pay the mortgage on just my salary anyway."

Why are you going to be sacked? Are you on maternity leave atthe moment or back at work?

I wonder if there is more going on here, from your past etc. Please do get cousnelling free on NHS, even if there is a wait, even if it is only a few sessions. Find out what you can get for free, please.

Thinking of you.

Can I ask if you or your dh are from a different culture, just trying to get a picture, feel free to tell me bog off!

Being coerced into having a child when you don't feel ready must be awful. I can't imagine it. I still think you might benefit from counselling to give you a clearer idea of how to move one. Attachment disorder is certainly possible in your situation, you seem to have a lot of insight, but you should seek help because attachment disorder will impact on your DC's wellbeing. It doesn't sound as if you are at ease with that happening.

No, we're both white British :)

My mum was an alcoholic and then she died when I was 7. I went into care. Then I met DH.

Just wanted to say that there are some free counciling charities out there so it's worth checking locally. Some offer more sessions than the NHS and some take self referrals x

aquabluepool I am going to put my amateur physicist hat on here (my son is adopted so I know a tiny but about the care system, as it is today), and say what I think.

That is to say I think you have some serious issues from your past and you need to access specialist counselling. Maybe you have had specialist counselling and worked through all this, but the fact you are on anti depressants still suggests possibly that you have not come to terms with your past, your mother being an alcoholic, her death, your time in care and anything else that has affected you.

Please read up and think about whether you could be helped by counselling. I have heard good things about EMDR Therapy, see 'Why Looking Left-To-Right Repeatedly Could Banish Traumatic Memories'

m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/9397670

Or other Counselling, other psychological therapies in the NHS...

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Counselling/Pages/Talking-therapies.aspx

Could you even have some form of post traumatic stress disorder?

See Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Treatment

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

All of these experiences you have had are the kind of things that could make pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, a minefield for you, which perhaps you sensed. But which your dh perhaps overrode?

Please do not give up hope. Your past may have affected you massively and may still be spoiling your present but it does not need to be this way. Things may change slowly, with the right help.

It may even be your little one leads you into a new phase of life. Who knows.

You were not in control as a child, but as an adult now, you can be. Please find a doctor willing to listen to your story and advise accordingly.

My advice is do not stop until you get the help you need...or ignore me.

It is your life and I would love you to be free, free to love your child, or your life or whatever, free from your dysfunctional past.

Are you sure you meant physicist?

Sorry Psychiatrist, , I am dyslexic!

Sorry! Wasn't meaning to take the piss, just thought it was a funny slip!

That's ok salty I do it all the time, I genuinely am dyslexic which means I don't always spot mistakes!

You sound like DSis. Now DN is older and engages more, she finds things easier, but motherhood wasn't something that came easily too her, and she openly hated it for a long time.

Please go and see your GP, you are showing signs of PND, at least give yourself that chance.

How are you feeling today aquabluepool.